That’s where the money is. Over there. Just past the mountains, somewhere in the decade coming up, near that cornfield. No, the photograph of the cornfield. The one on the jigsaw puzzle piece that’s fallen under the table. Why would you ask, “periodic table or Louis XIV table?” The water table. That’s where the money is. I can’t believe you can’t see it.

Try this. Look just a little to your right and over your left shoulder, between that stand of aspen trees, way up on Tuesday, near the coral reef, according to the Mayan calendar. Just follow Timothy Geithner’s eyes. See that pack of wolves? They’re flying towards the money at about a 45-degree angle. No, the real wolves, not the ones being used as metaphors for Capitalism.

Okay, close your eyes. Now, take one giant step towards the collective unconscious of Switzerland. Whoops. Sorry! Didn’t see that curb.

Get up. Reach for the moon if you need to—just grab onto something! Move those papers and junk mail and the money should be just behind Michelangelo’s David. You just missed it. More to the left. Out of the temperate zone. Below 27,000 feet. Don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty! Now you went too far. Go south! Click on that motivational speech and download it. The money is somewhere midway. Oh you went past it. No, you can’t go back.

Now, follow the Cinnabon smell and listen for a sonic boom. You are now somewhere in Russia or Hollywood. You will end up at the flagpole. The money is not there.

Turn 180 degrees and lift up that corner of the carpet. No, the other corner. The other one. The other one! You are going to be the death of me. Oh wait, I see the money. It’s inside you. It will just involve some very risky surgery to get it out. You are willing to try? Ha, kidding! Did you think I had X-ray eyes? You should have seen the look on your face.

What you really want to do is find that dot on the horizon. Yes, the one blinking on and off that keeps moving and changing color and size. That’s where the money is. Run towards it! Faster! You have forty years of your life left, give or take, and if you don’t stop for anything else you might make it.