STOP WRITING POEMS THAT ARE ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE.

HOW DARE YOU ASK ME TO READ A POEM THAT IS JUST ABOUT A TIME THAT YOU WERE ANGRY, SAD, OR HAPPY.

YOU ARE NOT THAT INTERESTING.

HERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF ONE OF THOSE POEMS:

“Plum Poem”
Once, I looked in the fridge,
And I saw that the plums
Were still there,
And that made me sad,

Because you used to eat the plums,
Cool plump purple plums,
Huddled together in the cold,
And now here is a poem about that.

BOOOOOOOOOO!

EVERYONE LOOKS IN THEIR FRIDGE.

STOP BUYING PLUMS IF THEY MAKE YOU SAD.

DO SOMETHING MORE. YOU SHOULD HAVE A CELEBRITY IN THE POEM.

LIKE THIS:

“Plum Poem”
Once, Tom Cruise looked in his fridge,
And he saw that the plums
Were still there,
And that made him sad,

Because he had a roommate
Who used to eat the plums,
And was also a celebrity,
And now here is a poem about that.

IN THIS UPDATED VERSION, THERE IS AN ADDED ELEMENT OF MYSTERY BECAUSE WE DO NOT KNOW WHO THE ROOMMATE WAS.

SPOILER ALERT: IT MAY OR MAY NOT BE BRAD PITT.

SO THAT IS HOW YOU MAKE A BETTER POEM.

MAKE IT ABOUT SOMEONE FAMOUS OR A HISTORICAL MOMENT.

HERE IS HOW YOU WOULD ADD THE HISTORICAL MOMENT:

“Plum Poem”

On September 11, Tom Cruise looked in his fridge,
And he saw that the plums
Were still there,
And that made him sad,

Because he had a roommate
Who used to eat the plums,
But that roommate, who may or may not
Have been a celebrity, was on a flight.

NOW THAT IS A BLOCKBUSTER POEM.

LET ME BE CLEAR. IT’S OKAY FOR A POEM TO BE ABOUT A QUIET MOMENT.

GREAT ART CAN BE ABOUT THE QUOTIDIAN. HOWEVER, WHAT IF YOU TAKE THE QUOTIDIAN AND ELEVATE IT WITH A BAZOOKA?

CHECK THIS OUT:

“Plum Poem”

On September 11, Tom Cruise looked in his fridge,
And he saw that the plums were still there,
And that made him thirsty for vengeance,
A vengeance that would forever be unquenchable,

Because he had a roommate who used to eat the plums,
But that roommate, who may or may not have been a celebrity,
Was on a flight, and Tom Cruise didn’t know what to do,
And that was the moment when Tom Cruise went to reach for his bazooka.

VOILÀ! THERE IS THE DELICATE BALANCE IN ALL GREAT ART. YOU HAVE THE QUOTIDIAN MIXED WITH THE EXCITEMENT OF A BAZOOKA.

AND, YES, I AM JUST REALIZING THAT IT’S INSENSITIVE TO TALK ABOUT 9/11 IN THIS WAY, BUT LITERATURE IS SUPPOSED TO BE COMPLEX AND MAKE US UNCOMFORTABLE.

WILL OUR HERO GET REVENGE, OR WILL HE BLOW UP THE PLUMS FOR MAKING HIM EXPERIENCE SUCH A COMPLEX RANGE OF EMOTIONS?

NOW I WANT TO SHOW YOU HOW TO TAKE YOUR OWN WRITING AND MAKE IT BLOCKBUSTER.

HERE IS A PARAGRAPH FROM ONE OF MY NOTEBOOKS. YOU SHOULD WRITE DOWN STUPID, HEARTFELT THINGS THAT YOU CAN MORPH INTO AWESOME POEMS.

HERE IS A HEARTFELT THING I WROTE ONCE. BRACE YOURSELF, IT SUCKS:

I’ve just been tired lately, and I have everything I’ve ever wanted. My life is passing quickly. Seconds ago, my kids were babies, and they needed me. Now, they’re getting big. Everything is busy—just the day-to-day. I look down, and five years have passed. I get tired. And when I’m not tired, I’m starving—starving for an experience or shitty, salty, fatty food. My wife and I are always telling the kids to be cautious about what they eat, but I have so little impulse control that I’m eating myself to death, and my body aches more and more, and I fear that my kids will realize that I’m an imposter, that I’m not the man I appear to be. I still feel like a teenager. I don’t know anything more than them. And once they’re old enough, they’ll pull back the mask and see every last bit of me.

SEE WHAT I MEAN? THAT’S HEARTFELT AND RELATABLE. SO, HOW CAN WE FIX IT?

EASY. JUST FOLLOW MY PROCESS.

REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE POEM. ADD SOMEONE WHO THE READER WILL FIND INTRIGUING.

FOR THIS ONE, LET’S THROW IN GENGHIS KHAN.

“Imposter Dad”

Genghis Khan has been tired lately,
He has everything he’s ever wanted,
But his life is passing so quickly.
Seconds ago, his kids were babies, and they needed him.
Now, they’re getting big, riding horses, marauding.

His body aches more and more, and he fears that his kids
Will realize that he’s not the man
He appears to be, and once they’re old enough,
They’ll pull back the mask and see who he really is.

THAT IS MUCH MORE INTERESTING FOR THE READER.

THEY START THINKING ABOUT GENGHIS KHAN, AND NOT ABOUT SOME GUY WHO’S NEVER CONQUERED ANYTHING.

BUT WHAT ABOUT ADDING A BAZOOKA LIKE IN THE PREVIOUS POEM?

“Imposter Dad”

Genghis Khan has been tired lately,
And he has everything he’s ever wanted,
Except for a bazooka. He doesn’t have one of those.

His life seems to be passing more quickly than he would like.
But if he had a bazooka, then he could conquer more quickly
Plus have time for his kids. They’re getting so big, riding horses.

Once they’re old enough, they’ll pull back the mask
And see who he really is. But if he gets a bazooka,
They’ll respect him. And if not, then he’ll blow them up.

THAT’S 100 PERCENT BETTER.

EXCEPT THERE IS A PROBLEM.

WE HAVE THE EMOTIONAL ELEMENT. GENGHIS KHAN IS GETTING OLDER, AND HE WORRIES ABOUT DISAPPOINTING HIS CHILDREN. WE HAVE THE CONFLICT. GENGHIS KHAN DOESN’T HAVE A BAZOOKA, BUT HE REALLY WANTS ONE.

BUT WE DON’T KNOW THE HISTORICAL MOMENT.

SO HOW DO WE FIX THAT EVEN IF IT’S IN AN INSENSITIVE WAY?

“Imposter Dad”

Genghis Khan looks in his fridge,
The vegetable crisper is full of plums,
Cool, plump, and purple,

His daughter leans over him,
She’s gotten so tall,
It’s September 11,

And he really wants to own,
A bazooka. Oh yeah, I forgot,
His son’s there too.

NOW THAT’S A POEM.

BUT WE NEED TO—PREPARE YOURSELF—WE NEED TO SHOW AND NOT TELL.

ALSO, WHAT IF WE MADE THE SON AND DAUGHTER FAMOUS PEOPLE TOO?

THAT WOULD BE EVEN MORE BLOCKBUSTER.

“Imposter Dad”

Genghis Khan looks in his fridge,
His daughter, Frida Kahlo, leans over him,
Reaching for the plump, purple plums.

His son, Dikembe Mutombo, is wagging
One finger, at the screen. Someone has flown
Two planes into the twin towers.

“Do you own a bazooka?” asks Frida Kahlo.
Genghis Khan confesses that he does not.
“Then who will protect us?” asks Dikembe Mutombo.

THAT’S HOW YOU MAKE IT BLOCKBUSTER.

PLEASE REMEMBER THAT EVERY POEM DOES NOT NEED ONE, BUT MOST WOULD BE BETTER WITH A BAZOOKA.

ROLL CREDITS:

“Blockbuster Manifesto”

Tom Halford … Author
Tom Cruise … Poet
Brad Pitt … Poet’s Friend
Bazooka … Author’s Wife
Genghis Khan… Poet
Frida Kahlo … Author’s Daughter
Dikembe Mutombo … Author’s Son