“Shy around strangers but will warm up”
It will take six months for your friends to even realize you have a cat. They thought your apartment just smelled like that.
“Treat motivated”
You’ll never enjoy a bagel in peace again. Cats can have a little cream cheese, it’s fine. Cats can lick cream cheese right off your bagel while you’re taking a bite. Cats can run off with the entire bagel, eat all the cream cheese off it, and hide the soggy remains under your couch for you to find once it molds. Look, cat ownership is all about choosing your battles.
“Independent”
Will ignore your existence except for twice a year when he’ll curl up on your lap out of the blue, until you inevitably ruin it by breathing.
“Bonded pair”
This one cat is so great you won’t even notice how much the other one sucks.
“Not good with dogs”
Met one dog and was not happy about it. We’re not sure, but we think he’s trying to assassinate them. Feels vendetta-based. And doodle-specific.
“Mischievous”
Basically, she’s gotten a taste for breaking stuff. Shattering, spilling, toppling, clawing, tangling, shredding, you name it. But sometimes she’ll do this really cute thing where she’ll lick her paw and then use it to clean her ear, so it kind of evens out. Oh, and smashing. She loves smashing things.
“Talkative”
Wails like a ghoul every morning from 3 a.m. to 5 a.m.
“Tolerates dogs”
Will think of your dog as a second-tier pet that you and she own together. (Note: still largely a menace to doodles.)
“Very affectionate”
This cat will sit on your laptop during meetings, your lap during meals, and at the end of your bed during sex.
“House-trained”
She will always use the litter box, except for hairballs, which she will reserve exclusively for your rug. That’s on you for buying a cream-colored rug.
“Resourceful”
This cat knows how to open doors. And cabinets. And the fridge. And windows. And safes. And steel-reinforced concrete cages—oh, god, she’s out again. Code red! She’s loose! Bolt the doors! Double-check your safes! Double-check your lunches in the fridge! She does not respect label etiquette.
“Loves to play”
Loves to utilize seemingly lighthearted gameplay to hone her already razor-sharp hunting skills. Her favorite toy is a feather on a string, and her favorite game is pretending to kill it.
“Kitten”
This cat is honest to god nineteen years old. You people always pass over the senior cats, so we don’t even feel bad about lying. Her elderly owner passed away, by the way. At the delicate age of ninety-two, no less, which coincidentally is also nineteen in cat years. Anyway, that’s why she’s here. Just thought you should know. She arrived wearing a little knit hat. Yeah.
“Smart”
Manipulative.