The Game of LIFE:
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas Edition

First, we need the game board. Then the cocaine and the vat of ether. Then two to six Players. Then the other drugs and booze. Then the fucking spinner, and special music, and some Acapulco shirts.

OBJECT: Every now and then, when your LIFE gets complicated, and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals, collect money and LIFE Tiles, and take as many drugs as possible by the end of the game.

SETUP: Attach the game parts to the game board as shown on the Assembly Sheet with the music at top volume. The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real. Buy the ticket, and take the ride all the way to Vegas, where rich dope fiends are busy humping the American Dream. Put the two pieces of the spinner together.

LIFE TILES: Each LIFE Tile carries a secret message only you can understand and a dollar amount that counts toward your total cash value at the end of the game. Do a line of coke and take a pellet of mescaline. Draw four tiles.

MONEY: Choose one player to be the pig woman Banker. The pig woman separates the money into piles by denomination, then gives each player $300.00. Use most of the money for more ether. And the cocaine. And the horse tranquilizers. Not that you need all that for the game, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.

CARS AND PEGS: Old elephants limp off to the hills to die; old Americans go out to the highway and drive themselves to death. Down four shots of bourbon. Carefully twist the pink and blue pegs off their runners. Choose a car and fit a people peg into the driver’s seat (don’t forget to buckle up!). Highest spinner takes their first turn. Pick up a hitchhiker and add another people peg to your Great Red Shark. Offer the hitchhiker some ether, drive erratically, and yell at him. Remove the people peg when he flees.

AUTOMOBILE INSURANCE: What’s wrong with you? Are you goddamn old ladies? Mumble “fuck it” and buy insurance since the pigs insist. Your car is now protected in case of accidents, damage, bats, drunken attorneys, and theft. Take a downer.

GETTING STARTED: Spin the wheel. Eat more mescaline. Masturbate like a chimp in a zoo cage. This has nothing to do with the game, but in LIFE there are detours and there are DETOURS. Remember that when the beasts are gnashing their teeth. Take the number of uppers on the spinner, and then toss the goddamn thing and move on out into the desert.

SPACE COLORS: As you move your car, notice the space colors—they’re important! Here’s what the colors mean:

  • ORANGE Spaces: Buy a bazooka. Most spaces are Orange.
  • BLUE Spaces: Never trust a cop in a raincoat. Spin again.
  • GREEN Spaces: These are Mint 400 spaces. Buy a bale of cannabis. Call your attorney.
  • RED Spaces: Stop and take a Red. Get a room, fake being a narcotics agent, and vomit in the closet. Move back one space.

CAREER SPACES: The symbols on these spaces match those on the Career Cards. Do the ether. DO ALL THE ETHER. Pick a Career Card at random. If you draw JOURNALISM, choose again. Journalism is not a profession or a trade. It is a cheap catch-all for fuckoffs and misfits. The WAITRESS has the appearance of a very old hooker who has finally found her place in life. The COP is a sucker and a pig. LUCY paints portraits of Barbara Streisand.

GETTING MARRIED: We can’t stop here; this is bat country! Call the attorney as soon as possible. Take a LIFE Tile and add one people peg to your car. Then spin and move again, but be careful to avoid the goddamn bats on the horizon.

BABIES: Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals? Add one people peg to your car and drink all the bourbon.

STOCKS: This is a grotesque suggestion that only the likes of Horatio Alger would make. Take a mescaline pellet from the teeth of those who would eat your freedom.

BUYING A HOUSE: You’ll need a compound. Get a tiger. A gold tiger and a box of pills to feed him when his great Mayan Sun God dies and the pigs eat his feet. The atrocities are everywhere. Manson. The murder of Laotians. Eat the rest of the uppers and take the blotter acid before the press table reptiles steal it and feed it to their beastly friends.

RETIREMENT: Take the remaining drugs by the pool at the Flamingo. All your assets are added together, including your LIFE tiles. The highest player wins!