Kevin Summers
Parents’ Basement, Hometown

I am a desperate young writer seeking any type of job that might grant me respect, less shame, and talking point at five-year reunion.


Liberal Arts College
BA: Creative Writing, Minor: Literature
September 2013-May 2016:

- Engaged in a series of fiction workshops and humanities courses that deceived me into thinking extensive reading and writing might lead to any kind of job.

- Discussed deep social injustices amongst progressive white people en route to massive debt and disappointed parents.

- Maintained strict writing schedule leading towards a doomed grad school portfolio and impressive list of psychiatric meds.

Big State Business University
August 2012-May 2013

- Enrolled in list of gen-eds and business courses that promoted handheld electronics, online courses and promise of a 401K.

- Gazed at tenured professors lecture sea of Greek people while remaining foolishly certain that ones’ knowledge outweighs his network.

Work Experience:

June-August 2016:

- Experienced daily existential crises whilst trudging through a long series of demeaning jobs failing to align with any long-term goals.

- Thrown around by collection of staffing groups that couldn’t comprehend any reason for seeking their services or indecision to come up with any five-year plan.

- Binge-watched number of TV shows in childhood basement while fantasizing of leaving for New York until recalling lack of money or prospects.

September-December 2016:

- Staged as untitled temporary employee on the fourth floor of a nondescript office building for a company which provides services I’m still unsure of.

- Feigned busyness whilst suffering string of anxiety attacks whenever contemplating the idea of this life being permanent.

- Labored over screenplay and essays during lunch breaks that amounted to nothing more than looking like a sociopath who veered too far off the beaten track.

January-March 2017:

- Concluded office buildings and dress pants were the main reasons why I chose to attempt writing and abandoned them to obtain an anti-corporate bar job.

- Grew cocky and convinced that a literary prodigy doesn’t need a silly bar to work at anyway and stormed off mid-shift after declaring I shall be no one’s slave.


Friendly. Delusional. Neurotic. Types Fast. Thinks Faster. Expert Self-Loather. Excellent Procrastinator. Entitled. Neurotic. Self-Absorbed. Neurotic. Unemployable.