The preferred candidate has already been hired by us and done the job for several years, then gone back in time to apply for it again at this very moment. Ideally, they’ve already done this several times.

The preferred candidate already knows us and all our personal quirks, and how to get around the areas we refuse to change ourselves in order to keep the facility running in a way that never calls attention to our own insufficiencies.

The preferred candidate cheerfully does all the things we are only sluggishly willing to do. Ideally, he or she does all the things we only pretend to do.

The preferred candidate desires to spend his or her entire life in this position, at this pay scale, and has prepared since the age of three or so for it and it alone. He or she has no hobbies or interests outside of the position, into which he or she dedicates his or her whole self unequivocally. For him or her, it’s not about the money but the sheer joy of the position.

The preferred candidate is willing to do anything asked of him or her, especially if it’s not in his or her job description, as outlined in this ad, and especially if he or she finds it insulting, condescending or superfluous. His or her soul is a wellspring of team spirit.

The preferred candidate must be willing to take any cut in pay or benefits we deem appropriate, and must cheerfully accept that his or her job has been declared redundant when the time comes. He or she must have no sense of reciprocity for his or her tireless dedication to the job, because everyone knows that isn’t how life works. The preferred candidate knows how life works.

The preferred candidate has actually already been chosen by us, but we need to put up this ad to make everything seem “fair.” Your application will be ignored, but you might as well give it a shot because you never know.