INTERVIEWER: Hi, I’m the most important person you need to meet right now.
ME: Hi, I’m extremely insecure, but I’m going to pretend I’m confident and know things so that you might be fooled and hire me.
INTERVIEWER: Great! I’m going to pretend that I don’t know what you’re doing and go along with your guise of being confident. You pretend really well!
ME: Thank you so much! I’ve been honing my pretending skills for a while. I’ve had several of these interviews and some of them have even resulted in actual jobs.
INTERVIEWER: That’s wonderful, but I don’t actually care. Let’s get started. Tell me about yourself.
ME: You know how much I hate that question, but I’m going to give you a fabricated answer based on what you want to hear… I think?
INTERVIEWER: That’s impressive! Now I’m going to ask you some questions that I think will totally fuck you up.
ME: I thought you might do that. I’ve prepared a monologue from Hamlet just in case you wanted to hear it. Do you want to hear it?
ME: Okay. Now, I’m going to ask you how much you’re going to pay me. I’m extremely uncomfortable about this. Can you tell?
INTERVIEWER: I can tell and I’m so excited that you feel awkward. It pleases me more than I can express on my face. Can you see it through the passive aggressive language I’m using?
ME: I can see it yes. Can I ask you how much you will pay me?
INTERVIEWER: You can, but I won’t really answer you with a real answer. I’ll tell you that we will pay you based upon how much you KNOW. You do know things right?
ME: I know some things, but some of them are not things that help me work in social media. Should I tell you about those things? Animals love me.
INTERVIEWER: Let’s focus on your strengths. What would you say are your strongest qualities.
ME: Decoding bullshit questions like these?
INTERVIEWER: That’s great! Okay, well it’s been great getting to know you. I’m going to pretend like you’ll hear from me, but actually we’re never ever going to call you. Okay?
INTERVIEWER: I just want you to be clear on the fact that you didn’t get this job, but I’m pretending that you got it. You understand?
ME: I think so.
INTERVIEWER: Don’t ever call us.
ME: All right.
INTERVIEWER: You are a great person!
INTERVIEWER: Wonderful meeting you.
INTERVIEWER: See you on the street then?
INTERVIEWER: We might call you. Just kidding!
ME: That’s not funny.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, I think it’s hilarious.