HER: I notice that your towel stinks after one shower. I worry that if you stink that bad on the outside, you must stink on the inside, like you have a rotten soul. Does that sound weird?
HIM: No, not at all.
HIM: Sometimes I come across women who aren’t as good looking or smart or funny as you, but I wish I could be with them, just because they’re not you. I think it would be okay if they were even cruel or hurt my feelings. It’s like, anybody but you, at any cost. Does that make sense?
HER: Sure it does.
HER: You know how they say couples have heard all each other’s stories so many times they’re sick of them? I’m sick of everything you say now, even stuff I haven’t heard yet. It’s like I hate what you’re going to say even before you say it. Does that make sense?
HIM: That totally makes sense.
HIM: More and more when I’m standing on the train platform, I think aboout throwing myself in front of the train. I think it’s mainly so I don’ t have to be your husband anymore. I know it would be painful, the train grinding me up, but it’s like it’d be worth it just to get away from you. Is that weird?
HER: No, that’s not weird at all.
HER: The other night when we had sex, I could feel your bristly black belly hairs on my skin scratching me, and I wanted to fight back and scream rape. And then I fantasized that Roger from next door would come rescue me and I could cry in his arms and then we’d make love and I could finally enjoy having sex again. And then I felt really guilty.
HIM: Don’t feel guilty. I totally understand.
HIM: It’s Saturday night — woo-hoo! I used to drink and chase girls. Being out on a Saturday night when anything could happen was electric, exciting. Now I watch you struggle not to fart on the sofa, and I think “Go ahead and fart. It couldn’t get any worse.”
HER: You want me not to struggle?
HIM: I do.
HER: I should just fart?
HER: I think what it really is, is that monogamy becomes toxic over time. Plus it’s unnatural and maybe even immoral to begin with. How could I not hate you after 15 years? I’d be sick of Brad Pitt after 15 years, and you’d be sick of whoever…
HIM: Scarlett Johansen…
HER: Scarlett Johansen.
HIM: No, Blake Lively.
HER: Isn’t she kind of young? She could be your daughter.
HIM: OK, Scarlett Johansen.
HER: You’d be sick of Scarlett Johansen. And that’s just the way marriage is. Its only object is procreation and the continuance of the human race. We’re just biological pawns, stuck together in the service of the species.
HIM: Maybe you’re right. So what do we do?
HER: We could retreat further into our corners or get divorced and experience the same failure with a new partner…
HIM: Or I could put a sheet over my belly hair.
HER: Right! And let me get on top and don’t look at me and don’t make any noise and let me call you Roger.
HIM: I love you, Honey.
HER: I love you, Roger.