Welcome to the written portion of the Professional Closed Course Driver’s License Test. Please read all questions carefully and completely, then fill in the circle next to the correct answer on the answer sheet.
1. Filming a minivan commercial, the director instructs you to drive the vehicle out of the cargo hatch of an aircraft flying at an altitude of 15,000 feet. You say:
A. “Will I be jumping with an instructor vehicle?”
B. “A lid for my coffee, please.”
C. “Do I have enough gas to reach the ground?”
D. “I don’t drive minivans.”
2. When in the salt flats driving in giant circles at high-speed, the important thing to remember is:
A. Circles don’t have corners
C. You’re in Utah, so easy on the Mormon jokes
D. If your penis were really small like your ex says, you couldn’t possibly be pulling this off
3. To drive a four-door sedan up a ramp onto the bed of a moving truck takes:
A. Nerves of steel
B. Nerves of titanium
C. Nerves of iridium
D. Nerves of Xanax
4. The biggest difference between jumping 20 school buses in a new Japanese car and a new American car is that the American car is under recall by the time it reaches Bus #6.
5. You’re at the wheel of a black full-size luxury sedan with blacked-out windows rolling menacingly through a desolate nighttime urban landscape among steaming sewer grates, scantily clad women and roving gangs, accompanied by an angry, bass-booming hip-hop soundtrack. What product is being advertised?
C. Honey Baked Hams
D. Mitt Romney for President (attack ad)
6. Which combination poses the greatest danger?
A. Amateur driver on closed course
B. Professional driver on open course
C. Amateur driver on open course
D. Gay professional driver marriage
7. A car used for extreme performance stunts in a commercial is to the car a consumer can actually buy as:
A. Bacon is to soy bacon
B. Lassie is to your dog
C. A double hit of Ecstasy is to finding a penny on the sidewalk
D. An angstrom is to a picometer
8. Helmet = Helmet hair.
9. A European luxury sport coupe is traveling down a half-mile blacktop straightaway at 120 miles per hour toward a stationary camera filming its approach in slow motion at 500 frames per second. When the car is 100 feet from the camera and crew, the driver slams on the brakes and cuts the wheel sharply left. The result?
A. A closed casket ceremony
B. NASCAR fan porn
C. A Guy Ritchie movie
D. Lawyers. Lots and lots and lots of lawyers.
10. To effectively negotiate an SUV off-road, through an old growth forest, across a swift broad stream and up a rocky, uneven mountainside with a 12% grade, the driver must never:
A. Give a shit about the forest
B. Give a shit about the streams
C. Give a shit about the mountain
D. Tell anyone not involved in the ad that he doesn’t give a shit about forests, streams or mountains
11. The single most immense item a full-size American pick-up truck has ever successfully dragged forward is:
B. The moon
D. Donald Trump’s hubris
12. For Professional Closed Course Drivers, the typical disability insurance policy including all applicable riders, exclusions and exceptions is sold:
A. By the pound
B. By the kilo
When finished, turn in your answer sheet and report to the vehicle engulfed in flames outside for the Road Test portion of the exam.