In Which King Gylfi of Sweden
Learns about Thor’s Ineptitude
at Giant Murder.
So thing ‘bout Giant Land is it’s full’ah a bunch’ah fuckin’ retahds. Yah know, it’s like, soon as yah walk through the doohr, it’s—BAM! Fuckin’ retahd right in yah fuckin’ face. Ah mohr like retahd crotch right in yah face since they’re bunch’ah fuckin’ giants but, yah know, whatevah.
Nah, I mean if yah’d evah been there then yah’d know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout…
NO! That’s not what I’m fuckin’ talkin’ ‘bout. What the fuck is wrong with yah?
Yah hee’ah this guy? This guy thinks Giant Land’s in fuckin’ New Jehsey! Come on man, what the fuck?
Look, the only reason I brought this up is ‘cause it’s where Thor n’ Loki ahr goin’ with those two child-slaves I was tellin’ yah ‘bout, okay. So what happens is they sail off tah fuckin’ Giant Land n’ then when they get there they pahk their boat somewhere off the coast n’ then they wade tah sho’ah n’ they staht walkin’ through the woods like a bunch’ah fuckin’ through-hikahs who know the place. But then it stahts gettin’ dahk out right, n’ so now they’re out there in the middle’ah fuckin’ nowhere in a shithole country that’s ovahrun with a bunch’ah fuckin’ mutant retahds, n’ so they see this cabin out there in the woods n’ it’s empty n’ so they figyah yah know, why not just go on in n’ settle in fah the night n’ get some fuckin’ sleep ‘cause it’s late out n’ the T don’t run ‘round the fuckin’ clock.
So they’re lyin’ there now in their bunks when the whole fuckin’ cabin stahts shakin’ like a goddamned epileptic havin’ a seizuah at a fuckin’ lazah show. So they hang on fah dea’ah life n’ they manage tah tough the night out n’ then in the mohrnin’ Thor gets up n’ he goes tah take a look outside tah see what’s goin’ on n’ he sees this fuckin’ giant sleepin’ on the ground right next tah the house that they had somehow missed the day befohr n’ this giant, he’s snahrin’ like a fohrty-foot-long chainsaw on fuckin’ ovahdrive. So now the giant wakes up n’ he looks at Thor n’ he’s like, “Hey Thor, what the fuck’d yah do tah my glove, man?”
Now, I don’t know if he thinks Thor took a shit in his glove ah what, but basic’ly they all slept in his glove, n’ I mean don’t get how anyone’d evah even confuse a giant’s glove fah a cabin but sometimes the Nahse gods, they ain’t too bright yah know. Maybe they just thought it was anothah one’ah Frankie’s cracked out buildings like they got ovah at MIT ah somethin’. I don’t know, n’ it doesn’t even fuckin’ mattah anyway.
Oh good, good, good. Look at that. Chicago just got a penalty. Fuckin’ Oduya, that Swedish prick. Man advantage…man advantage…come on guys…
…but gettin’ back tah the stahry, so this giant’s name’s Skrymir n’ so now he asks Thor if he n’ Loki n’ the two kids wannah join up with him since they’re all goin’ in the same dihrection, n’ Thor’s like, yeah sure, yah know, why not, n’ so they all set off n’ Skrymir offahs tah cahrry all their combined food in one bag, which I guess is kindah nice’ah him but sounds fuckin’ weih’d tah me.
So they hike the whole day n’ then when they get tah where they decide tah stop fah the night tah sleep, Skrymir passes right the fuck out, but Thor gets hungry n’ so he tries to open the food bag but can’t fuckin’ do it, n’ yah know, Thor, he’s supposed tah be like the strongest fuckin’ guy ‘round. N’ bein’ that Thor’s tempah’s ‘bout as stable as a lit fuse on the 4th’ah July, he goes n’ he grabs his hammah n’ he fuckin’ smashes Skrymir’s face with it, only Skrymir hahdly even notices, he’s just like, “What was that, a fuckin’ leaf fall on my face ah somethin’?” N’ then he rolls ovah n’ goes right on back tah sleep.
But now that he got that outtah his system Thor decides he’s gonnah try gettin’ some sleep himself, only the giant’s fuckin’ snahrin’ keeps wakin’ him up n’ so he goes n’ he grabs his hammah ‘gain n’ he takes anothah shot at smashin’ Skrymir’s face with it, n’ now this time Skrymir’s just like, “What the fuck was that? Ahr acohrns fallin’ off the oaks now?”
N’ now Thor’s gettin’ real fuckin’ pissed n’ so he decides that next chance he gets, he’s gonnah just fuckin’ straight up kill Skrymir, yah know, no mohr’ah this weak-assed bullshit…
N’…ah…fuck…speakin’ah’ weak-ass, they just wasted the whole entiy’ah fuckin’ powah play. It’s okay though, we’re still up…
Yeah, so anyway though, so Thor gets his ass up just befohr dawn n’ this time he takes a runnin’ head staht straight tahwahds Skyrmir’s face with his hammah held high up ovah his head n’ he just fuckin’ clocks that guy hahd as fuckin’ he can, but Skrymir’s just like, “Now what the fuck’s goin’ on? Bihrds knockin’ twigs n’ shit outtah the trees?” N’ then he sees tiny little Thor just standin’ their fumin’ like an old fuckin’ smokestack in Salem n’ he’s like, “Oh hey Thor, man what’s up?”
N’ Thor’s just fuckin’ speechless. Yah know, I mean Thor’s gen’rally real good at killin’ people, n’ so he just doesn’t get what the fuck happened just now. So he’s just standin’ there like a dumb, deaf, n’ blind kid n’ Skrymir’s just like, “So I guess this is where we paht ways ‘cause I’m goin’ this way, n’ yah guys ahr all goin’ that way.” N’ he goes on tah advise ‘em not tah go that way cause there’s some guy out there who’s name is Utgarda-Loki n’ he fucks up anyone who messes with him.
N’ then Skrymir sets off fah the mountains n’ Thor n’ Loki bein’ the genuises that they ahr staht thinkin’, “Ah, fuck what Skrymir says. Let’s go mess with that Utgarda-Loki guy, that’ll be wicked fun.”