The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Season 99.
BY DAN KENNEDY
In the first episode of season 99, Kybor is sitting out near the pool eating black market baby adrenal glands and burning art. She talks to the camera about her day and we learn that she killed a bum then fed her sister Mogat the man’s eye, apparently expressly for the purpose of once again humiliating Mogat in what has become the one motif of the ninety-ninth season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And, as viewers know by now, Mogat seems to suffer this sort of thing all too gladly in every episode, but as we also know, Mogat’s reward for enduring this sort of thing is that Kybor will let her cut herself then bleed on the middle classer for kicks until Mogat is clearly in a state of arousal. But what Mogat never learns is that for every horny murder she gets to bleed on, there always comes this moment when Kybor likes to remind her sister that she’ll never have what Kybor has; that only one of the two of them still on the A-list after all these years of surgeries and biological renewals have raced past. Kybor’s message to Mogat is clear: “The government issued me all of our families Bio Renewal Rations, I still have eleven Renewal Processes left, and as a result I will live in these hills for another thousand years while you will have gone the way of meat for the lycanthropes in a mere hundred.” It’s true, Mogat remains time’s bitter bitch and there’s no vintage twenty-first century silver in the sack for her. In past episodes, we’ve learned that she didn’t get sperm from a host body in time and she’s on a poor clock for it. Her face now lacks symmetry and as a result, Wealth And Security Admin can’t trace her biological container properly, so she’s essentially cut off from Government Beauty Rations, which has lead to her restricted wealth. Kybor, on the other hand, has one thousand years of undated beauty to consume in her bio renewals; she looks amazing. She still looks thirty but she’s seventy past that for the third time and won’t expire anytime soon. Plus, she’s got the Approved Purchase Clearing and wealth to remove a rib and get her jawbone shattered then narrowed and ground thin, and as we learn this season—spoiler alert!—she’ll do all of that plus afford herself the dignity of sewn front holes. She is one of the rare, the few, the truly beautiful people whose taut and hard California kidneys will be the only way for FedBio to carbon date what wasn’t replaced in Bio Renewals. In the third episode of the ninety-ninth season, we see Mogat sitting in a chair at Kybor’s mansion. She is about to be set aflame under the guise of receiving a Japanese facial fat wrap. The viewer is in on it, we’ve known since last season on the show that Kybor would be setting her mid-society sister aflame. Kybor smiles, sucks in the smell of one of her art fires, while down in the city and out of the hills of privilege, Police mongrels growl, lean and angry, tearing at litter in the dark burnt cold bowels of downtown Los Angeles, dreaming of grease or a nutrient-rich tick full of blood to nourish them for the hour or two it takes to hunt and eat the middle class. The mongrels will have to be happy with what little meat is left on the middles after sleeping their non-renewable eighty years away in crappy motels and apartments, dreaming of better stations in life while breathing the exhaust of the culture crematoriums along South Grand. Kybor knows that the hot towels being prepared by Terry Slave and Keith Slave aren’t being soaked in warm Japanese teen fat at all, but rather, they are, in fact, being soaked in hijacked gasoline. Mogat has it coming, frankly. The line that we’ve seen in the promos for a month now, finally rolls out in full when Kybor tells her burning sister, “You’ve been such a bitch lately, and you hated every party I’ve got you in to. Good luck getting a suicide subsidy to replace this life, because the government isn’t doling out bio rations the way there were back in 2124.” In fairness, it seems all Mogat has ever done is try to ruin what folly remains in the thousand or so years beautiful Kybor has left to live. Keith Slave and Terry Slave apply the towels and the invisible flame burns low and white hot. This is Kybor’s day, and as far as The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills goes, season 99 is finally her season. Some old-fashioned middles will have a problem with this season and call it a moral bankruptcy or a heart-wrenching deficit of humanity, but whatever you call it, you can’t deny that it made for great television. Art is burned, books get the acid barrel, and we get to see Kybor plainly aroused by fire and mortality as she eats teen facial fat alone in a luxury SUV. It’s hard to imagine how the show will top itself in its hundredth year. Maybe a return to classic form is in order, back to simpler times, the way the show rolled out a century ago. A time when open food holes remain unstitched on people’s faces, regardless of their socio-economic status; a time when full lives lasted only eighty or so years with the bio renewal technology of the time; a time when the only form of murder was to pour booze into people compromised by second-hand wealth. It’s been a while since such innocent times, but as audiences, we just might be ready to get back to them.
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