If you cannot decide whether to go to South America or British East Africa because you are getting bored with Paris, drink a full glass of whiskey.

Drink one shot of absinthe if you are waiting to be seated at a restaurant.

Drink two bottles of wine with dinner if you are entertaining a French prostitute.

If you run into someone you know, but they’re only worth about five minutes of your time, have a fine a l’eau with them.

The second you run into someone you know that you see every day, drink brandy and soda continually until one of you has to leave.

If a Greek count gives you one dozen bottles of champagne, send him out to buy more. Drink two before going to the club.

If you are waiting at the bar for your lover and they are five minutes late, have a Jack Rose.

Speed Round: Drink of Choice

  • If you had a bad time in Vienna, drink.
  • If you are about to take a bath, drink.
  • If you are leaving a bar to catch a cab and wait at a different bar for the cab, drink.
  • If you are in a horse cab and see a friend in a taxi cab, drink.
  • If you are on your way to dinner and see a bar, drink.
  • If after dinner you wander into a café, drink.

Let’s take a break. A lunch break. Have a beer.

Finally leaving Paris for Pamplona? Congratulations! Drink an entire bottle of Chablis.

On a bus in Basque country? Pour wine down the throats of peasants, and then drink.

You find out wine is included with the hotel? Drink a pitcher of hot rum punch in addition to bottomless wine.

If you insist on calling tapas hors d’oeuvres, drink a barrel of wine through a leather bag.

If the man you love won’t stop talking about how hot the nineteen-year-old matador is, take a swig of wine from a bag.

If your fiancée is seducing a bullfighter right in front of your face, drink two bags of wine.

If you get knocked out by a man who wants to sleep with your fiancée, drink.

If that man knocks out another man sleeping with your fiancée, drink.

If you are also bankrupt, drink a bottle of Fundador.

Absolutely exhausted from watching other people battle with bulls all day? Have an absinthe.

Realizing that making all your friends go to Pamplona wasn’t a great idea? Have an absinthe for each man your lover slept with that wasn’t you.

Trying to make the most of the last day of a bad vacation? Drink whiskey until no one has any more money.

If you’ve decided to slow things down and stop “fiesta-ing,” go to San Sebastián. Drink an entire bottle of wine at dinner, and have two vieux marcs to top it off.

When you think you’ve got one last shot with the woman of your dreams, after all the other men have gone, drink three rounds of martinis and three bottles of rioja alta, and tell her, “I’m not drunk.” She will believe you.