Wine Tax Credit
There shall be allowed as a credit against the tax imposed for the taxable year with respect to each qualifying bottle of wine purchased but not drunk. Said tax credit shall be equal to the dollar value of the wine at Whole Foods, even if the taxpayer bought said wine at CVS.
For purposes of this section, a bottle of wine shall be considered “purchased but not drunk” if:
a. Said bottle of wine sat partially empty on the kitchen counter for a period of time greater than one night (as consumption beyond that point is technically consumption of vinegar).
b. Taxpayer purchased said bottle of wine for taxpayer’s own consumption, but then ended up bringing it to a dinner party out of obligation and/or the desire to make sure taxpayer was able to drink the kind of wine taxpayer likes at said dinner party.
c. Taxpayer took birth control with said wine, as that wine is therefore medicine.
d. Taxpayer remembers purchasing said bottle of wine but does not recall not drinking it, for whatever reason.
Shower Gift Tax Credit
In the case of a single individual, there shall be allowed as a credit against the tax imposed for the taxable year an amount equal to 20 percent of the amount paid or incurred by the taxpayer for qualified shower gifts purchased during such taxable year.
Such amount shall be reduced by 20 percent of the resale value of all shower gifts received by taxpayer during the taxable year.
For purposes of this section, a “shower gift” shall be defined as:
a. Any and all gifts purchased off a registry;
b. Any and all gifts involving a giraffe or a monogram; or
c. Any gift purchased for an event occurring at a venue with French doors, or where two or more women are wearing Lily Pulitzer.
Note: There is no requirement under this section that taxpayer actually attend said shower or even transfer ownership of gift to the intended recipient. Please refer to 26 CFR 9835.01, stating, “it is the thought that counts.”
For purposes of this section, “single individual” shall be defined as:
a. An individual without a ring on it; or
b. An individual who, despite having a ring on it, is always the one to buy more toilet paper for as long as taxpayer can remember.
Uber or Lyft Conversation Tax Credit
There shall be allowed as a credit against the tax imposed for the taxable year an amount equal to the product of—
(A) the amounts paid by taxpayer for ride shares during the taxable year, and
(B) the percentage of time the taxpayer really carried the conversation or feigned interest in the driver’s life, when maybe the taxpayer really just wanted to look up the lyrics to Little Big Town’s “Better Man” and spend the time committing it to memory, but the taxpayer felt obligated to keep up a conversation about what streets are best for said driver’s illegal street racing because taxpayer is a kind person and/or seeks the approval of strangers.
If two or more persons were present in the ride share for an above-described hellhole of a conversation, the credit described above shall be allocated among such persons in proportion to their respective contributions to the conversation.
There shall be allowed as a deduction of the following expenses paid or incurred during the taxable year:
- Lipstick bought on a whim at Rite Aid that turns out to be a terrible color for taxpayer;
- Lunch that cost over $10, if a richer friend of taxpayer suggested the spot;
- Gas, if taxpayer had to drive somewhere to get quarters for laundry;
- Meditation apps purchased, not used; and
- Any and all cheese.
Automatic Filing Exemption
If taxpayer spends one or more hours writing a humor piece about taxes rather than actually sitting down and doing her taxes, taxpayer shall receive an automatic exemption from filing taxes for the taxable year in question, by way of a letter from the IRS stating “You’re good.” In this case, taxpayer may continue placing important and unopened letters in that drawer with the oven mitts, because of course that’s where important mail belongs.