I didn’t really know what I was doing the first time, so it was only natural that things didn’t work out. I guess I should’ve taken the time to learn the event’s history. Maybe talk to those who tried in the past? That way I wouldn’t have crashed through that guy’s fence and into his pool.
The second attempt was all about rebuilding. I was too tired to race because the judge made me rebuild that guy’s fence.
They say the third time’s a charm, but they were probably doing something really easy. That’s why three was a charm for them. But not for me. Three was really difficult and it didn’t work out.
The fourth time I had some mechanical issues and didn’t get off the starting line. I’m not going to get into it, but I smell a rat. There are plenty of people who don’t want me to succeed—my wife, that guy with the fence—but I’m not pointing any fingers. Not until the private investigator gets back to me.
The fifth time I had a stomachache. I scheduled the attempt three months in advance, but also ate an unscheduled pair of tacos fifteen minutes in advance. I’m not one to break a committed engagement, and because of that I didn’t reach the finish before ducking into an Arby’s to use their john.
Funding pulled out just before my sixth attempt. Apparently they needed the cash for a mortgage payment instead of helping to author history. Your house is always going to be there. The opportunity to bolster a hero just passed you by at the speed of me.
The seventh time I thought I did it, but it turns out I didn’t. That’s why it’s always good to have people there to make sure you’re doing it right. Thanks, Ted.
I’m not going to lie to you, I really half-assed the eighth time. What’s that they say about doing something over and over and expecting different results? Don’t do it, because you’ll get bored and half-ass it.
That guy with the fence set up a roadblock in the middle of my ninth try. He said he didn’t want me crashing through his fence again, even after I rebuilt it for him. While I didn’t agree with his tactics and made that clear, the cops did so we were forced to cancel.
After finally finding a new location for my tenth go, some asshole cuts me off. Weeks we scouted. I never saw him coming, but I’m prepared if anything like that happens again. I’m talking to you, asshole. Try me. I’d love it if you did.
Yes, the rumors are true. On the eleventh attempt, I cheated. After ten tries a man gets pretty desperate. You can judge me, or you can see how powerful shame is as an accelerant.
Which brings us to today and ole lucky number twelve. I thank you all for sticking with me over the past two years. There have been ups and there have certainly been downs, but one thing remained constant: your unwavering support.
Yes, it’s raining today… or is it hail? Either way, it brings a joyous tear to my eye to see all of you wearing the “Lucky Twelve” ponchos we had made. The tail is a little long to race in, but it should be fine, right? Mike says it won’t get caught in the gears and Mike knows. Love you, Mikey.
And despite my wife leaving me for the guy with the fence this morning, I’m going to give today’s attempt everything I’ve got. Admittedly, that’s not much, but I’m going to give all of it.
Are those sirens? No?
OK. Let’s do this.