1. That period of time in March where the weather keeps switching from cold to warm and you can’t tell whether or not you should be hopeful.
2. Shaving your armpits.
3. Shaving someone else’s armpits.
4. Four consecutive blows to the face.
5. Seven consecutive blows to the face.
6. Having to answer “Someone’s in here” when somebody knocks on the door of a public restroom.
7. Wearing period underwear on a day you figured you wouldn’t get any action and then it turns out that your friend Ethan wants to study, but you guys aren’t even in the same major so clearly studying is not his top priority but your panties have a giant maroon stain and a rip under the elastic part, and it’s just not gonna happen tonight so you actually just end up studying at Ethan’s house and awkwardly leaving and he avoids you after that.
8. Thirteen consecutive blows to the face.
9. Watery coffee.
10. Figuring out what to do with your hands while everyone sings “Happy Birthday” to you.
11. The immense pressure you feel to blow out all your birthday candles on one try especially when there are as many candles as there are years in your life. That kind of feels like a metaphor for erasing progress, doesn’t it?
12. Service industry job applications that ask you what you want to get out of the experience.
13. Science. All kinds.
14. Passing a group of inebriated boys walking around on a Saturday night and one of them extends their hand for a high five, and you’re caught between wanting to ignore it and thinking that maybe he’s just genuinely trying to be nice, and being vulnerable for a second and extending your hand out for a high five and he pulls it away and shouts “psych!”
15. Not having an American Girl Doll in elementary school.
16. Debating whether or not you should text your ex.
17. The feeling after you decided yes, you should text your ex.
18. When your roommate is home and you don’t want them to be.
19. When your roommate is away and you don’t want them to be.
20. That five second pause employers take in interviews after you answer a question to make sure that you said everything that you wanted to say, but it feels like they are unimpressed with your answer so you start rambling and eventually end it with “yeah.”
21. When your friend is clearly projecting other emotions onto you but you can’t tell them that because they’d punch you in the face so you just have to take it.
22. Boring people.
23. People that are more interesting than you.
24. Fifty consecutive blows to the face; one for each state and as the person punches you, they say the name of the state they are punching you for.
25. When you hang out with someone one on one for the first time and it turns out you didn’t have as much in common as you thought.
26. Any of the murders from the movie Se7en.
27. Taking off your helmet in space.
29. Projectile vomiting on the petunias outside of your dentist’s office.
30. Not knowing how many avocados you’ll need for the week because you might make guac and you might not.
31. Losing $10,000 in loan shark cash.
32. People who play chess and then challenge you knowing they are better and then keep telling you how bad your moves are, but also not letting you lose. It’s honestly just like ritual slaughter. Seriously, if you are good at chess, join a club or something, quite being a jerk about it.
33. People that say out loud what they would have done in the scenario of the horror movie you’re watching.
34. Getting into to new music.
35. Not being proficient in Microsoft Excel.
36. Being ignored.
37. Getting too much attention.
38. The word “millennial.”
39. A modernized, young adult version of William Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus.
40. Not being a published and respected author by the age of nineteen.
41. Realizing that love is the best part of life.
42. Not being able to make what you’re writing about seem exciting to the person who asked you about it, because there’s not really what you’d call a “plot.”