It’s us, your favorite band from high school. We know it’s been a while, but we are back. Again. And we’d like to invite you to the exclusive pre-sale event for our Final Goodbye Tour. The password is FINALFORREALTHISTIME.

Tickets are $500 for nosebleeds, floor seats start at $1,200, and VIP access will require you to take out a second mortgage on your home. This show will sell out, so don’t delay getting your tickets. Just 999 of the 1,000 seats remain at the legendary Small Town Casino, only eighty minutes outside the city and with (paid) covered parking.

Yes, you are correct in recalling that not too long ago, you shelled out a pretty penny for two tickets to our Goodbye Tour and the limited-edition only moderately overpriced cash-only commemorative Goodbye Tour foot cream. But this is it. Our final Final Goodbye Tour—we swear. No more Goodbye Tours after this one. So go ahead, snag your tickets today, and don’t forget the foot cream.

We are touring again just for you, our greatest fan. You looked kind of pathetic at our last Goodbye Tour in that tattered original concert tee. We sensed you missed us even though you claim your musical aesthetic has changed and you actually have taste now, and you only went to the first Goodbye Tour out of pure nostalgia. We know the real truth. Also, our foot cream inventory is overflowing and has taken up the entire spare bedroom, and some of our spouses are threatening divorce.

But enough about us, let’s talk more about you. We know when you hear the unmistakably generic beat from our only top-forty record, it brings you back to the acne-filled sweaty awkwardness of your teenage years. You can’t help but sing along. Never mind the unhinged thought spiral that quickly follows about how you can remember every single lyric twenty years later and yet cannot remember where you parked your car.

Why aren’t you clicking “buy”? Did we mention the special edition Final Goodbye Tour foot cream that will be available only at the show? We now take Venmo at the merch table.

We are crushed that you are not taking us seriously. We are truly going our separate ways after this Final Goodbye Tour. For real, we are. Our drummer has gotten into competitive macrame, our guitarist is breeding cats, and I, the sexy lead singer you swooned over throughout high school, am selling foot cream on the internet.

We promise this is your very last chance to see us live and bathe in the timeless sound the critics have shunned for ages. Did we mention that Carrot Top is our opening act? And if you get your VIP tickets today, we’ll throw in a travel-sized bottle of the foot cream for free!

Yes!!! You and a lucky plus one are going to our show!

It’s the best $10,000 you will ever spend. We can’t wait to see you. Tell all your friends. Share it on social media. Scream it into the void. Only 997 tickets left. By the way, do you have any interest in selling foot cream? See us at the merch table for this unique opportunity to make some extra $$$!

And don’t forget to save the date for our Very Final, Final Goodbye Tour next year in Richmond, Virginia.