Your beautiful bundle of joy hasn’t yet entered the world or even developed distinguishing sex organs, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be harassed for having a female body. With this helpful calendar, you can track your baby’s development and know just how much toxic masculinity she’ll be able to absorb each week!
Around week nine of pregnancy, indentations appear where your baby’s ears will grow. Thankfully, they’re not yet functional, so she won’t be able to hear you sobbing in the shower after a long day of explaining to men why it was wrong for Louis C.K. to masturbate in front of his female coworkers even though he did technically ask for consent. What a relief!
At eighteen weeks of pregnancy, your little one hears her very first sounds outside of her mother’s body! Her ears have developed just enough to be able to hear you tell a stranger on the subway to please stop touching your belly. It’s never too early to teach your daughter how to draw healthy boundaries, even if they’re constantly being violated!
Around week 25, your baby is able to hear noises outside of your body more clearly, though the amniotic fluid surrounding her causes the sounds to be muted. Keep in mind that when a stranger asks if you’re “trying for a boy this time,” your baby will only be able to hear it at half the volume. That’s great news!
At week 27, your baby responds to your voice with an increased heart rate, which proves that she’s more alert when you’re speaking. For this reason, it’s important to be mindful of how much you’re yelling at the television this week. Try to balance out her exposure to Roy Moore and Al Franken by reading aloud from your favorite feminist literature. Or just repeat the phrase “burn it all down” again and again until you fall into an unrestful night of sleep. Remember, only you know how to best parent your child!
In this late stage of pregnancy, sounds penetrate the uterus easily and your baby is now able to respond. She’ll turn toward familiar sounds like the whistles of cat callers who are somehow shameless enough to harass a pregnant woman pushing a shopping cart in the Trader Joe’s parking lot. Be careful what you mumble under your breath this week, as your baby will respond more to sounds she recognizes from hearing in the womb. Sounds like “fuck off” and “go slam your dick in a vice you shit bag.”
If you’re still reading this, congratulations! You’re already showing signs of being a great mother by taking interest in your child’s development! Remember that it’s important to keep the womb a stress free environment for your baby, as high levels of cortisol will have long-lasting effects on her health. For this reason, it’s best not to watch television, listen to the radio, read newspapers, spend time on the internet, be a woman in the workplace, or generally anywhere else in the world for the entirety of your pregnancy. Born or unborn, times are tough, so take care of yourselves ladies and amorphous fetal blobs!