It’s Friday night, you:
A. Call the new babysitter who just moved into town. She seems so nice and stable, plus she gets along really well with your husband. Bonus!
B. Put on your best caftan and call up your squad of middle-aged divorcees. It’s time for a night of neon pink shots and yelling “WHOOO” as you reclaim your glory at a place called GAMECOCKS.
C. Pore through old reels of microfilm at the library. You always have Friday night to yourself after you drove everyone away with your obsessive mission to find your son.
D. Catch up on work, of course! Phone calls! Faxes! Quarterly reports! No one knows exactly what you do, but it involves yelling business words into a phone.
E. Pretend to put laundry away so you can snoop in your teen’s diary. She’s been spending a lot of time with this new boyfriend of hers. You have a bad feeling about this.
Your child’s school called because:
A.Your child was marked absent, but that can’t be right because the babysitter was going to take him in.
B. They’re confirming your family’s reservation for the fundraising gala. Unfortunately, they will have to seat you, your ex-husband, and his insipid new wife at the same table.
C. They need you to stop skulking around in the shadows at school events because you’re starting to scare the kids. It’s been six years since he went missing, Joan. IT’S TIME TO LET GO.
D. You forgot to pick up your child! This time it was after a particularly adorable school play, where, as your child said his line, he looked hopefully to the back of the auditorium, straining to see your face as you came through the door at just the right moment, but instead all he saw was that creepy lady whose son went missing six years ago.
E. Your daughter did something incredibly out of character, bolstering your suspicion that her super-hot, super-sketchy boyfriend is trouble. Why couldn’t she date Brian, her childhood friend from down the street?
Someone has staged dead animals on your porch. It’s probably:
A. Some teenage prank. You’ll find out as soon as you apologize for overreacting with the sitter. It’s flattering that she wanted to try on your clothes!
B. Your ex’s new wife, that skank. She can’t stand the fact that your mid-life rebirth has reignited his sputtering libido.
C. A sign that you’re getting close. Someone is trying to scare you, but you’ve already been to hell and back and it’s going to take more than a pile of dead squirrels to keep you from FINDING YOUR SON.
D. Your cat in a vain attempt to get your attention, which you cannot spare because you are late for a very important meeting that will show us all that you’re very good at your job, but at what cost?
E. David, your daughter’s super-hot, super-crazy boyfriend, who is unhappy about your meddling.
The police are at your door because:
A. Your babysitter and family are missing, but they probably just went for ice cream. It is weird that she took your driver’s license, though…
B. They are exotic dancers your friends hired to spice up your 50th birthday bash. Leering at strippers is fun and charming in this context!
C. They have a break in the case. A break YOU handed them. They’ve underestimated you, Joan. But they still haven’t found your son, sooo…
D. You were so distracted getting gas that you drove away with the pump still in your car, spewing gasoline down the street as you whipped by horrified onlookers. The officer seems to think this is charmingly absentminded, though. He’s “earthy” and “real,” and maybe he can convince you that there is more to life than yelling business words into a phone.
E. They are responding to your pile of squirrels complaint. Look, there’s nothing they can do. David’s dad is on the force. Are you sure the squirrels didn’t pile themselves up there?
You’ve been awake all night because:
A. You suspect the babysitter is evil. Your primal maternal urge is now awakened and you will defend your family, even your crap-bag husband who probably slept with her, at all costs.
B. You can’t decide if you should reciprocate your ex’s attempts to reconcile. Plus, you can’t think straight with all of these strippers grinding on your settee.
C. It’s finally coming together. You know who did it and it’s time to take the law into your own hands.
D. You were relating to Gasoline Incident Officer so much that you accidentally stood up your biggest client! You’re going to lose your job!
E. You are being held captive by super-hot but super-murdery David. Brian would never do this.
Your movie ends with:
A. You push the babysitter off a cliff and also maybe your husband.
B. You’re walking on a beach. There is a voiceover where you say you only need yourself to be happy. Your caftan looks amazing.
C. You find your son and hold his head to your chest as you sob. You give the police the finger as they leave.
D. You quit your job to pursue your dream of owning a bakery with a stupid name. Your business is an immediate success, which is good because your police officer boyfriend is really bad at his job.
E. Brian, sensing that something is wrong because he is just the nicest boy, comes in and unties you. David returns and you hit him in the head with a shovel. Your daughter cries and apologizes for doubting you, but she’s just not that into Brian, okay?
The Baby Sitter Is Stealing Your Family Mom — You are gullible at first, but once you wise up to the 50 million warning signs, you toss people off of cliffs with chilling impunity.
The Reclaiming Your Life By Reliving Your 20s Mom — Your empowering story of self-discovery long after society has deemed you unnecessary is an inspiration to us all.
The Grieving Mother Turned Detective — Your child is out there somewhere but, unfortunately, you live in a precinct with the most inept police force this side of Mayberry.
The Lovably Negligent Workaholic — Your life is off balance and your family is suffering. Even though people have straight up told you this, you won’t realize it until a catastrophically dramatic event makes you reassess your priorities.
The Your Daughter’s Crazy Boyfriend Is Going to Kill Everyone Mom — Like the “Baby Sitter Mom,” you’re here to remind us that the worst thing you can imagine will probably happen. Also, that moms should always follow their instincts, which may mean committing justifiable homicide from time to time.