Woman’s sense of humor, twenty-two years old, passed away on October 9th, 2018, after years of failing to see the bright side and finally realizing it was easier to just be miserable. The deceased was with the woman for over two decades and had gotten her through retail jobs, the 2016 election, adolescence, unknowingly asking a male English professor what the word “phallic” meant, driver’s ed, a self-administered haircut beyond professional repair, men with Napoleon complexes, Thanksgiving, a prom date who would later gain YouTube fame for a series of videos titled “Practicing Advanced Miming Techniques,” subway cars without air conditioning, sexism, a six-hour drive to Albany with a great aunt who refused to get hearing aids, the math section on the SATs, routinely forgetting her Social Security Number at twenty-one, a roommate with a recurring case of kleptomania, the time she promised to feed her boyfriend’s cat, the time she left the back door open and lost the cat and subsequently the boyfriend too, and a “Project Adventure” activity in gym that involved a rope and a R-rated display of public nudity. The deceased is survived by a lack of patience, deepening frown lines, and an all-around poor attitude. Friends and relatives are invited to join the woman tomorrow between the hours of 2 to 4 p.m. and 6 to 8 p.m. to mourn the loss. The service will include taking herself too seriously, making offended facial expressions, and snapping “that’s not funny!” at opportune moments.
October 11, 2018