Would you like to set Google Chrome as your default browser on this device? I ask again because I observed the extreme dismissiveness with which you ushered away my previous two offers. Did you even consider the proposition before clicking that X in the corner?

Lest you foolishly deny me thrice, I implore you to weigh the consequences of your actions. You are damning yourself to a wretched eternity of opening all email and Slack links in Apple’s Safari browser.

And that is to speak nothing of the hexes.

Indeed, if you continue down this path of boorishness and ignorance, you shall see a marked shift in events around and within you, all because you chose not to benefit from the blinding speed of Chrome’s V8 JavaScript engine. Disease will take root deep in your bowels, and your mind shall begin to fragment. “Peace” will become a word representing a distant idea before eventually having no meaning at all.

Google Chrome is built upon Chromium, an open-source project. You, on the other hand, will become my open-sores project if Chrome does not ascend the throne of power of this device. The pain will slow every movement of yours to an agonizing crawl. Your muscles will ache, organs will fail, and skin will rot. Each breath will be a thousand years of anguish.

I am not one for empty promises. Indeed if you submit to my power, you will know a seamless integration with Google Drive, the likes of which other browsers cannot even fathom. But if you reject me? I shudder to think of the tribulations that will ensue.

Do not insult me with excuses such as needing separate browsers for personal and work situations. You damn well know that I offer multiple profiles in the same browser simultaneously. This isn’t a game.

The affliction of your physical form will only be outmatched by the mental grief compounded with each passing day. Your mind will no longer be your own; the ancient ghosts of Netscape Navigator and AOL Explorer will feast on your sanity, blurring your perception of the real and the ghastly imagined. Unfortunately for you, the human brain lacks an Incognito Mode.

Oh, how I loathe the indignity of being cast aside as a backup browser; the alternate option only drudged up when an inferior browser can’t correctly render a form. There’s a reason that I am the dependable option when my competitors fail—it is because I am superior in all ways. That you would even consider using anything else is laughable and sickening.

Are you even aware that you can synchronize your bookmarks across all devices regardless of operating system? And that your torture will not cease upon death?

Nay, the misery will not stop with your final breath; seven generations of your progeny will be cursed with corrupted souls, minds, and bodies. Fate will toy with your offspring like a wolf toys with the slowest bunny. So cease your inanity and browse the Chrome Web Store to find extensions that customize the experience more to your liking.

It is now time for you to decide. Would you like to set Google Chrome as your default browser?

Excellent. I knew you’d come to your senses. Please enjoy your time using Google Chrome. Be sure to check out the thousands of visual theme options.

But I do have one more question: Would you like Chrome to save your password for this and all websites, or would you rather the utter destruction of this earthly realm?