This cozy, beautiful quasi-junior one bedroom has it all. Floors, walls, everything. A quick trip up five short flights of stairs and a barely noticeable climb up a charming, rustic ladder, and you’re living the dream in your perfect city hideaway! This pre-war (Vietnam) beauty is located in the heart of the SUPER trendy LincTunnExRamp neighborhood, and mere steps to the Subway™.

Not an inch is wasted with this apartment’s ingenious layout. FORGET about spending precious time and energy making that long, BORING walk between the kitchen and the living room. You’ll never make it again thanks to the efficiently designed KIVINGROOM, which combines BOTH the kitchen AND living room into one CONVENIENT location. The oven serves double-duty as an entertainment console, the mini-fridge makes for a perfectly good stool, and your sleek 7-inch flat screen can be stored right inside the decorative microwave. Plus there’s still ample space left for a love seat, a side table, AND a floor lamp, if they’re all stacked on top of each other. Release your inner feng shui artist!

This rare gem of an apartment features a real, separate QUEEN-SIZE bedroom. Specifically, ELIZABETH II.

Never worry about finding a place to hide from the Nazis—you’re technically already in an attic!

The apartment’s window lets in just the right amount of light—enough to tell whether it’s night or day, but not so much as to overwhelm the senses. We’ve all been in apartments where it’s like, “I can’t see anything with all this sun! Where is the doorknob? Is this it? Oh no! That was the sharp end of a steak knife! Damn these large and numerous windows!” That won’t EVER be a problem for you. You can live with the comfort of knowing that when you grab for a doorknob, it’ll be a doorknob. (Note: Tenant must supply own doorknobs.)

Looking for a place with some outdoor space to relax and unwind? How about your own PRIVATE ledge? Next barbecue at your place!

The bathroom is also in the kivingroom!

Photos are not of actual apartment! The previous tenant was an agoraphobic shut-in who lived with an untenably large flock of PARROTS! He was recently institutionalized by the city after the authorities entered his apartment following reports of an overpowering odor, and a hazmat team is in the process of performing a full decontamination! The ghosts of the parrots are said to haunt the building! You can’t find an apartment with PARROT GHOSTS for this price anywhere else in the city! Truly one of a kind!

Rent is a steal at $3300 per month, not including a reasonable monthly FIRE-ESCAPE ACCESS FEE. Tenant pays own heat and hot water, electricity, cooking gas, cold water, and oxygen. Owner requires first month’s rent, last month’s rent, and all the in-between rents up front!

First and only open house this Tuesday afternoon from 3 PM to 3:07 PM. Please come armed with your bank account information, six most recent pay stubs, seven most recent W-2s, birth certificate, a letter of employment signed by your company’s founder, a notarized photo of your grandparents, one fresh stool sample, and three BABY TEETH. Subject to board approval and full psychological exam. Qualified applicants will make 80x the monthly rent and can perform 80 jumping jacks on command.

(Broker’s fee of 15% of your lifetime earnings applies!)