NEW E-BOOK ALERT!

From now until December 31st, become a McSweeney’s Internet Tendency patron and receive a Patreon-exclusive e-book, KEEP ON SCROLLIN’ DON’T STOP, the bonus companion to our print collection, KEEP SCROLLING TILL YOU FEEL SOMETHING. A pledge of $3 (or more) per month is all it takes. Click here to become a patron today!

Touch Me:
A Column About Massage

Christy Vannoy has been massaging people for far longer than she originally planned. Sometimes, while her client sleeps, she composes little stories in her mind. They are about massage, and yet they are not. She swears this is the year she will finally write them down. She says that every year. This year she means it. She meant it last year, too