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Ten Precepts From The Art of War That Never Made It Past Sun Tzu’s Editor.
BY John Kearney
1. When you sally forth to meet the enemy, show your contempt for him by the haughtiness of your prance.
2. Confuse your enemy with mixed metaphors. Be like the wind beneath his keel.
3. All warfare is based on deception. When the enemy draws near to you, cry out, “Look out behind you.” When he turns to look behind him, attack.
4. Always keep the blades of your weapons sharp. It is the way of the ginsu.
5. Always keep the hair of your men shorn close to the scalp. Nobody likes hippies.
6. All warfare is based on deception. When the enemy draws near to you, cry out, “You spilled soup all down the front of your tunic.” When he looks down at the front of his tunic, attack.
7. Never lend money to your men just before a battle.
8. Demoralize your enemy by whispering and giggling and then suddenly going silent as he draws near. When he asks what you were talking about, say, “Oh, nothing.”
9. Never allow your men to paint flowers or colorful swirls on the sides of their chariots. Nobody likes hippies.
10. Confound your enemy with precepts that sound profound but actually make little or no sense. Be to him as the stallion is to the necktie.
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