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Actual Names Entered into the Electronic Scorekeeper at Clover Lakes Bowling Alley, in Rochester, New York
by Cole Louison (6/3/2002)

International Equivalents: Cake Hole
by Aaron Stoker-Ring (6/3/2002)

Keywords to the New Home Page of the MIT Media Lab
by Sam Potts (6/3/2002)

Shoe-Lacing Methods
by Shane Wilson (6/3/2002)

Signatures Available from Print Shop’s Certificate Maker Program
by Megan Peterson and Sarah Garb (6/3/2002)

Suggestions from Baedeker’s 1878 Traveller’s Manual of Conversation
by John McMurtrie (5/27/2002)

Questions Most Frequently Asked by Bookstore Customers
by Kera Yonker (5/27/2002)

Potential Names for Christian Rock Bands Taken from Lines in Emily Dickinson’s Poems
by E.B. Dubreuil (5/27/2002)

Selected Speeches on the Theme of “Perfect Day,” as Summarized in the British Airways Japanese Speech Contest for Schools Program
by Greg Pallis (5/27/2002)

Music Industry Trends Not Yet Overexposed
by John Moe (5/27/2002)

Hardy Boys Novel or Death Metal Album?
by David Epstein (5/20/2002)

Signs on the Lawns of People Whose Lawns You May Want to Avoid
by Jon Crawford and Rich Michaels (5/20/2002)

Names Of Contestants in the Nashville Sunrise Assisted-Living Minnie Pearle Look-Alike Contest, Including How Each Contestant Fared
by Martin Schneider (5/20/2002)

Actual Books Probably Still for Sale on the One-Dollar Carts at the Strand Bookstore in New York City
by Ian Etra (5/20/2002)

Ways In Which the Midwest Express In-Flight Catalog Describes Shirts That Won’t Wrinkle
by Jules Lipoff (5/20/2002)

Actual Names for Quadruple Espresso Drinks Used by Locally Owned Coffee Shops
by Aaron Dallas (5/13/2002)

Genomes Other than Homo Sapiens Sequenced by the Institute for Genomic Research, in Rockville, Maryland
by Jennifer Frazier (5/13/2002)

Dialogue Spoken by Al Pacino During Pre-Production Character Development Exercises for Scent of a Woman
by Sean Carman (5/13/2002)

My Plans
by Arkadi Gerney (5/13/2002)

Rejected First Lines for My Personal Ad
by Aaron Lester (5/13/2002)

Bad Names for Boats
by Jim Ruland (5/6/2002)

Overheard at the Fall 2001 Microprocessing Development Conference, in San Jose, California
by Sarah Schmelling (5/6/2002)

Featured Menu Items at the Existentialist’s Café
by Elizabeth Miller (5/6/2002)

A Mint for All Occasions
by Robert Joe (5/6/2002)

Actual Film Titles Bought By My Cousin, Who Owns Twelve VCRs
by Jeff Hurlock (5/6/2002)

What Alexander Graham Bell Might Have Said If His Assistant Was One of My Cats
by Rob Silk (4/29/2002)

Names Given to the Daylilies Planted at Seattle’s Ballard Locks by the Puget Sound Daylily Club
by Arne Christensen (4/29/2002)

Of Presidents and Devils
by Martin Schneider (4/29/2002)

My Unabridged Vocabulary at Thirteen Months, Which, Unhappily, Foreshadows the Next 302
by Michelle Orange (4/29/2002)

Injudicious Uses of Exclamation Points in the Teacher’s Video Company Catalog
by John Warner (4/22/2002)

Selected Side Effects of My Recently-Prescribed Medication
by Dean Crownover (4/22/2002)

Actual Evaluations I Received from Students in My Analytical Chemistry Class
by P. John Wright (4/22/2002)

Things People Said to Me While I Worked the Front Desk in Lieu of “Would you throw this away for me?”
by Sarah Brown (4/22/2002)

What Was Asked of Jeeves, on March 5, 2002
by Dan Kennedy (4/22/2002)

Students’ Responses to a Quiz on McDonald’s, Presented as Evidence That I Might Not Be Cutting It As an American Culture Teacher at a College in Ningbo, China
by Chikako Kobaysahi (4/22/2002)

Murder Techniques Offered by the Killer-for-Hire in AC/DC’s “Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap.”
by David Eskola (4/16/2002)

Actual Band Names That Double As Excuses for Showing up Late to Work
by Eric Elbogen (4/16/2002)

Song Titles by Judas Priest, Modified to Reflect an Alternate Reality in Which the Band is Obsessed with Members of President Jimmy Carter’s Cabinet and the 1985 American League Eastern Division Champion Toronto Blue Jays
by Steve Huey (4/16/2002)

Actual Comments Made about Ozzy Osbourne on the Official Message Board for The Osbournes TV Program
by Tracey Scarpino (4/16/2002)

Rapper or Toiletry?
by Mike Daulton (4/16/2002)

Some Things I Have Done to Disgrace My Family Name
by Jennifer Howse (4/16/2002)

Comments Written on Evaluations of My Speech on Needle Exchange Programs
by Andy Rathbun (4/8/2002)

What to Expect after March Madness
by Damien James (4/8/2002)

T-Shirt Slogans Worn Recently by Contestants on The Price Is Right
by Martin Schneider (4/8/2002)

All the President’s Wu-Tang Clan
by Holly Bailey (4/8/2002)

Some Reasons I’ve Been Fired
by Clay Collier (4/2/2002)

Names of Characters Played by Donald Gibb Since Starring as Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds
by Dan Kois (4/2/2002)

Nineteen Suggestions by When I Misspelled “Penguin.”
by Stefan Gruber (4/2/2002)

Rejected Arcade Games
by Jules Lipoff (4/2/2002)

Actual User Comments in the “Fat Cats” Photo Gallery at
by Blake Wirht (4/2/2002)

Actual Questions and Comments Overheard at the DMV
by B.R. Cohen (3/25/2002)

The Latest in Innuendo Bumper Stickers
by Jason Roberts (3/25/2002)

Answers I Gave on a Pop Quiz in My Understanding the Short Story Class
by Suzanne Kleid (3/25/2002)

Pattern Options for Scrubs in the Jasco Uniform Company Catalog
by Ed Page (3/25/2002)

Information Entered by a Website Tester Who’s Done This Part Fifty Times Already and Just Wants To Get Past It
by Martin Schneider (3/18/2002)

Quotes from the Movie Jaws in Which “Shark” Is Replaced by “Jimmy Page”
by Mark Podojil (3/18/2002)

Actual Names of Computer Games Ending in “Tycoon.”
by Hal Dick (3/18/2002)

Synopses of “Sports Stories for Young Readers” Found in the 1964 edition of Catcher with a Glass Arm, Plus Three I Invented
by David Roth (3/11/2002)

Tips from a Guide to the Computer Game Phantasmagoria: A Puzzle of The Flesh
by Laura Kennicutt (3/11/2002)

Las Senales de Aviso de Un Ataque de Corazon
by Seth D. Michaels (3/11/2002)

Real Pennsylvania Towns
by Laura Golembieweski (3/11/2002)

Books about the Special Relationship between Switzerland and America
by Martin Schneider (3/11/2002)

Names of Actual Places in Texas, Arranged by Proposed License Plate Slogans Showcasing Those Places
by Alan Berube (3/11/2002)

Figure Skating Term or Phonetic Symbol?
by Robert Martinengo (3/4/2002)

Characters Played by Movie Actor Frank Thomas Feeney (1881-1953)
by Bethany Round (3/4/2002)

Actual Email Usernames Given by Students in Introductory Astronomy at the University of California, Santa Barbara
by Colleen M. Schwartz (3/4/2002)

Assorted Chances, Good and Bad
by Julie Brunson (3/4/2002)

Actual Excerpts from Reunion-Chat Website Autobiographies of Pittsburgh-Area High School Graduates
by Jessica Sedgewick (3/4/2002)

English-Language Names My Chinese Acquaintances Chose for Themselves
by Ryan McGorman (3/2/2002)

Baby Names for an Expected Sister Suggested by Nathaniel Watson, Age Six
by Sarah Brown (2/26/2002)

Crate and Barrel Tableware Style + U.S. President = Fictional Delta Blues Singer
by Josh Michtom (2/26/2002)

Introducing the New Cereals
by Adam Weitz and Amy O'Leary (2/26/2002)

Actual Notes I Took During a Showing of Paris is Burning in College, Discovered Four Years Later
by Jason Fagone (2/26/2002)

Actual Police Calls from Fayetteville, Arkansas, as Reported by the Fayetteville Police Department
by John Mark Boling (2/26/2002)

Actual Answers to the Question “What or Who Is the Greatest Love of Your Life?” That Were Not, to My Surprise, “You”
by Michelle Orange (2/18/2002)

Names of Squash That Also Make Good Terms of Endearment
by Laura Belous (2/18/2002)

Characters Available for Singing Telegrams from Babaloons, a Northern California Company, with Prices
by David Roth (2/18/2002)

Variations on the Spelling of ‘Vehicles,’ Submitted By My 6th Graders Attempting to Earn Extra Credit on a Weekly Spelling Test
by Andre Theisen (2/18/2002)

Names of the Most Popular Colors According to the Color Marketing Group’s 2002 Color Forecast
by Jason Kottke (2/12/2002)

Alternative Winter Olympics
by Dominique Ritter (2/12/2002)

How Many Members of Each of the Following Religions It Takes To Screw in a Lightbulb
by Matthew Prins (2/12/2002)

Tips from Jokes and How to Tell Them, Published in 1963
by R.J. White (2/12/2002)

As a Porn Movie Titler, I May Lack Promise
by John Moe (2/5/2002)

Actual Bullet Points from a Handout for a Philosophy Class on Consciousness
by Roblin Meeks (2/5/2002)

Actual Names of People Who Checked in to a Youth Hostel in San Francisco
by Suzanne Kleid (2/5/2002)

Excerpts from Letters to the Editor That Appeared Recently in The Paradise Post, a California Newspaper
by Dan Kennedy (2/5/2002)

A Minute-by-Minute Breakdown of My First and Only Call to a Psychic Friend
by Matthew Crouch (2/5/2002)

Items Discovered in Boxes of My Grandmother’s Things
by Aimee Agresti (2/2/2002)

Life Advice Gleaned from the Bliss Spa Beauty Catalog
by John Glassie (1/28/2002)

Dial 9
by Mick Wright (1/28/2002)

What to Say When Pretending You Grew Up Middle-Class and Not in a Housing Project in Brooklyn
by David Lewis Kennedy (1/28/2002)

Chapter Titles in Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick That Misleadingly Suggest Racy Content
by Ed Page (1/28/2002)

Quoting My Philosophy Professors Out of Context
by Jeremy Richards (1/28/2002)

Actual Usernames of Participants in a Recent Online Discussion of the War in Afghanistan
by Dan Kennedy (1/21/2002)

Tempo Markings in Wayne Erbsen’s Backpocket Bluegrass Songbook
by Ethan Hein (1/21/2002)

Less Popular Board Games
by Neil Chamberlain (1/21/2002)

Recently Overheard on Ray Bradbury Theatre
by Steven Luciw (1/21/2002)

How to Make Classic Chicken and Rice
by Gordon Haber (1/21/2002)

Comments Overheard in English Class Last Week
by Natalie Hope McDonald (1/21/2002)

Frequently Asked Questions
by Stuart B. Kelly (1/14/2002)

McSweeney’s is a publishing company based in San Francisco.
As well as operating a daily humor website, we also publish Timothy McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, the Believer, and an ever-growing selection of books under various imprints. You can buy all of these things from our online store.