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Everything I Need to Known I Learned from Spam
by Julie Landry (9/3/2002)

All of Chewbacca’s Dialogue in the Comic Book Version of The Empire Strikes Back
by Brian McMullen (9/3/2002)

Crayola Crayons Included in Its New Hollywood Box
by Josh Abraham (9/3/2002)

Bored, I Search Google for “Luke Is.”
by Luke Rosa (9/3/2002)

Actual Soap Opera Recaps, 1996-2002
by Liza Daly (9/3/2002)

Vocabulary Words We Learned by Playing Dungeons & Dragons
by Marc Newman and Pat Hall (9/3/2002)

Military Acronyms That Are Also Men’s Names
by Laura Golembieweski (8/12/2002)

Things NYC Cabdrivers Yelled at Me While I Crossed the Street
by Jeff Hurlock (8/12/2002)

Papa Was a Rolling Stone
by Donald Illich (8/12/2002)

Names I’ve Been Called as a Little League Umpire
by Aaron Hotfelder (8/12/2002)

Local TV Weatherman or Porn Actor?
by Chris Strauss (8/12/2002)

Scientific Journals Available Electronically at the Mt. Sinai School of Medicine
by Dorothy Gambrell (8/5/2002)

Lessons Learned from My Study of Literature
by Sean Carman (8/5/2002)

Terms Used in an Office-Supply Catalog to Describe Placements of Tabs on Manila File Folders That Could Also Describe Political Ideologies or Sexual Preferences
by Stephanie McNutt (8/5/2002)

Films about Tough Jews
by Adam Weitz (8/5/2002)

Actual Responses by My Fourteen-Year-Old Japanese Students to the Prompts “In the Future, I Want to Be…” and “Because…”
by Brook Crawley (8/5/2002)

Review Headings of New York City’s Bliss Spa
by Gloria Fallon (7/29/2002)

The Graffiti of Minneapolis
by Keith Pille (7/29/2002)

Women with Whom Klaus Kinski Has Had Sex, According to His Autobiography, Klaus Kinski: I Need Love, in Order of Mention
by Jacob Jost (7/29/2002)

Actually Heard on the New York City Subway/Never Heard on the New York City Subway
by John Parsley (7/29/2002)

Businesses in Sydney, Australia Beginning with Mr. or Mister
by Marko Mustac (7/22/2002)

Partial List of Items That Cannot Be Legally Mailed to Canada from Other Countries
by Chad Stevens (7/22/2002)

Things My Friend Fabio Said Recently
by Jocelyn Carscallen (7/22/2002)

Subject Lines from Co-Workers’ Goodbye Messages after Getting Laid Off Recently
by Stacey Herron (7/22/2002)

Actual Items Described in Published Articles as Being “the Toughest Nut” or “the Toughest Nut to Crack.”
by Amy O'Leary (7/22/2002)

Contents of Stockton, California’s Sesquicentennial Time Capsule
by Patrick Haddick (7/15/2002)

The Latest in Fake Meat Products
by Danielle Hess and Mickey Hess (7/15/2002)

Actual Misspellings of My Name by the Chinese Restaurant I Call for Pick-Up
by Cody Clarke (7/15/2002)

Questions Recently Answered on Yahoo!’s “Ask the Doctor” Website
by Victoria Owens (7/15/2002)

Papers Appearing in Science Magazine’s “Reflections on Self” Issue
by Jennifer Frazier (7/15/2002)

Terrible Fake Names
by Claire Zulkey (7/8/2002)

FTD Floral Arrangements Available to Express One’s Sympathy
by Sally Sax (7/8/2002)

Not Very Scary Movies
by Joshua Watson (7/8/2002)

Prom Themes Suggested Instead of “Under the Sea” When My Best Friend Told Me to “Think Outside the Box, Woman!”
by Amy O'Leary (7/8/2002)

Lines from the Unabomber’s Manifesto or Roxy Music’s “Manifesto”?
by Luke Rosa (7/8/2002)

Actual Brands of the Coca-Cola Company
by John Moe (7/1/2002)

Items Received during the Last Eleven Months at a Northern California Food Bank
by Bill Richter (7/1/2002)

Almost Rhymes With Orange
by Dan Kennedy (7/1/2002)

Third Quarter Employee Accident/Injury Report
by Rick Larsen (6/24/2002)

Appalled in Albuquerque: Recent Uses of “Appalled” in Letters to the Weekly Alibi, Albuquerque’s Weekly Newspaper
by Noah Masterson (6/24/2002)

Final Sentences of Essays I Wrote in College
by Brian McMullen (6/24/2002)

Keywords That Recently Directed Google Users to My Website
by Wes Ferguson (6/24/2002)

Selected Words from a Chinese-English Dictionary Published in the People’s Republic of China And the Sentences Used to Illustrate Their Meanings
by David Jaggard (6/16/2002)

The Wrong Mantras
by Dan Kennedy (6/16/2002)

Pre-1900 American Political Party or Music Group?
by Trey Kazee (6/16/2002)

I Am a Big Fan of the Following Westerns, and No, They Aren’t Porn
by Ross Barnes (6/10/2002)

Words Overheard in an Amtrak Dining Car Bound for Seattle
by Jonathan Fine (6/10/2002)

Actual Titles of Stephen Dixon Short Stories Used As Ice Breakers to Mixed Results (Punctuation Mine)
by Edward Weinstein (6/10/2002)

Actual Headlines from the March InStyle Magazine
by Claire Zulkey (6/10/2002)

Nicknames for Some of My Coworkers
by Lauren Spisak (6/10/2002)

Titling Movies
by Scott Southwick (6/10/2002)

Actual Names Entered into the Electronic Scorekeeper at Clover Lakes Bowling Alley, in Rochester, New York
by Cole Louison (6/3/2002)

International Equivalents: Cake Hole
by Aaron Stoker-Ring (6/3/2002)

Keywords to the New Home Page of the MIT Media Lab
by Sam Potts (6/3/2002)

Shoe-Lacing Methods
by Shane Wilson (6/3/2002)

Signatures Available from Print Shop’s Certificate Maker Program
by Megan Peterson and Sarah Garb (6/3/2002)

Suggestions from Baedeker’s 1878 Traveller’s Manual of Conversation
by John McMurtrie (5/27/2002)

Questions Most Frequently Asked by Bookstore Customers
by Kera Yonker (5/27/2002)

Potential Names for Christian Rock Bands Taken from Lines in Emily Dickinson’s Poems
by E.B. Dubreuil (5/27/2002)

Selected Speeches on the Theme of “Perfect Day,” as Summarized in the British Airways Japanese Speech Contest for Schools Program
by Greg Pallis (5/27/2002)

Music Industry Trends Not Yet Overexposed
by John Moe (5/27/2002)

Hardy Boys Novel or Death Metal Album?
by David Epstein (5/20/2002)

Signs on the Lawns of People Whose Lawns You May Want to Avoid
by Jon Crawford and Rich Michaels (5/20/2002)

Names Of Contestants in the Nashville Sunrise Assisted-Living Minnie Pearle Look-Alike Contest, Including How Each Contestant Fared
by Martin Schneider (5/20/2002)

Actual Books Probably Still for Sale on the One-Dollar Carts at the Strand Bookstore in New York City
by Ian Etra (5/20/2002)

Ways In Which the Midwest Express In-Flight Catalog Describes Shirts That Won’t Wrinkle
by Jules Lipoff (5/20/2002)

Actual Names for Quadruple Espresso Drinks Used by Locally Owned Coffee Shops
by Aaron Dallas (5/13/2002)

Genomes Other than Homo Sapiens Sequenced by the Institute for Genomic Research, in Rockville, Maryland
by Jennifer Frazier (5/13/2002)

Dialogue Spoken by Al Pacino During Pre-Production Character Development Exercises for Scent of a Woman
by Sean Carman (5/13/2002)

My Plans
by Arkadi Gerney (5/13/2002)

Rejected First Lines for My Personal Ad
by Aaron Lester (5/13/2002)

Bad Names for Boats
by Jim Ruland (5/6/2002)

Overheard at the Fall 2001 Microprocessing Development Conference, in San Jose, California
by Sarah Schmelling (5/6/2002)

Featured Menu Items at the Existentialist’s Café
by Elizabeth Miller (5/6/2002)

A Mint for All Occasions
by Robert Joe (5/6/2002)

Actual Film Titles Bought By My Cousin, Who Owns Twelve VCRs
by Jeff Hurlock (5/6/2002)

What Alexander Graham Bell Might Have Said If His Assistant Was One of My Cats
by Rob Silk (4/29/2002)

Names Given to the Daylilies Planted at Seattle’s Ballard Locks by the Puget Sound Daylily Club
by Arne Christensen (4/29/2002)

Of Presidents and Devils
by Martin Schneider (4/29/2002)

My Unabridged Vocabulary at Thirteen Months, Which, Unhappily, Foreshadows the Next 302
by Michelle Orange (4/29/2002)

Injudicious Uses of Exclamation Points in the Teacher’s Video Company Catalog
by John Warner (4/22/2002)

Selected Side Effects of My Recently-Prescribed Medication
by Dean Crownover (4/22/2002)

Actual Evaluations I Received from Students in My Analytical Chemistry Class
by P. John Wright (4/22/2002)

Things People Said to Me While I Worked the Front Desk in Lieu of “Would you throw this away for me?”
by Sarah Brown (4/22/2002)

What Was Asked of Jeeves, on March 5, 2002
by Dan Kennedy (4/22/2002)

Students’ Responses to a Quiz on McDonald’s, Presented as Evidence That I Might Not Be Cutting It As an American Culture Teacher at a College in Ningbo, China
by Chikako Kobaysahi (4/22/2002)

Murder Techniques Offered by the Killer-for-Hire in AC/DC’s “Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap.”
by David Eskola (4/16/2002)

Actual Band Names That Double As Excuses for Showing up Late to Work
by Eric Elbogen (4/16/2002)

Song Titles by Judas Priest, Modified to Reflect an Alternate Reality in Which the Band is Obsessed with Members of President Jimmy Carter’s Cabinet and the 1985 American League Eastern Division Champion Toronto Blue Jays
by Steve Huey (4/16/2002)

Actual Comments Made about Ozzy Osbourne on the Official Message Board for The Osbournes TV Program
by Tracey Scarpino (4/16/2002)

Rapper or Toiletry?
by Mike Daulton (4/16/2002)

Some Things I Have Done to Disgrace My Family Name
by Jennifer Howse (4/16/2002)

Comments Written on Evaluations of My Speech on Needle Exchange Programs
by Andy Rathbun (4/8/2002)

What to Expect after March Madness
by Damien James (4/8/2002)

T-Shirt Slogans Worn Recently by Contestants on The Price Is Right
by Martin Schneider (4/8/2002)

All the President’s Wu-Tang Clan
by Holly Bailey (4/8/2002)

Some Reasons I’ve Been Fired
by Clay Collier (4/2/2002)

Names of Characters Played by Donald Gibb Since Starring as Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds
by Dan Kois (4/2/2002)

Nineteen Suggestions by When I Misspelled “Penguin.”
by Stefan Gruber (4/2/2002)

Rejected Arcade Games
by Jules Lipoff (4/2/2002)

McSweeney’s is a publishing company based in San Francisco.
As well as operating a daily humor website, we also publish Timothy McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, the Believer, and an ever-growing selection of books under various imprints. You can buy all of these things from our online store.