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Really Boring Books for Children
by Melissa Bell (10/1/2004)

Old Bumper Stickers Updated
by Kevin Reifler (10/1/2004)

A List of Five Favorite Heresies of the Roman Catholic Church, Disguised in the Form of Unused Episode Titles for the Hit Situation Comedy Friends, and Their Dates
by Alex East (9/30/2004)

Secrets Revealed During VH1’s I Love the ’90s
by Claire Zulkey (9/30/2004)

Letters That Have Never Brought You an Episode of Sesame Street
by Ryan Joe (9/30/2004)

How to Tell If Your Employer Has You Under Surveillance
by Michael Fowler (9/24/2004)

Actual Superheroes From the Pages of International and Obscure Comic Books Who Are Unlikely to See Their Origin Stories Developed Into Movies
by Frank Smith (9/24/2004)

Twenty Underused Yoga Positions
by Taylor Kirkpatrick and Walter Swanson (9/21/2004)

Recent and Past Headlines From the Arusha Times, in Arusha, Tanzania
by Frank Bures (9/21/2004)

Musical Styles That Never Caught On
by Ben Solomon (9/17/2004)

Songs That Wouldn’t Have Been Hits If They’d Been Grammatically Correct
by Karen Wise (9/17/2004)

Most Common Recurring Dreams of the Cicada
by Tracy Moller (9/17/2004)

Armed Band of Thugs or Minor Star Wars Character?
by David Dekrey (9/15/2004)

Golf Course Names That Sound Dirty
by Justin Baker (9/15/2004)

The Most Memorable Comments Actually Overheard During My Medical Training, Thus Far
by Noah Raizman (9/10/2004)

UNIX Application or Outlawed Paramilitary/Guerrilla Organization?
by Sara Cody (9/10/2004)

Proposed Titles for a Remake of Bend It Like Beckham, Using Croatian Players in the Titles
by Joe O'Neill (9/10/2004)

Guide to Determining If You Are Constantly Being Mauled by Bears
by Dan Pride (9/3/2004)

Guided by Voices Song Titles That Could Double as Chapter Headings in Al Qaeda Training Manuals
by Paul Grellong (9/3/2004)

Lyrics From Pavement’s Slanted and Enchanted That Sound Like They Could Be Slogans Shouted by Protesters During the Republican National Convention Speeches
by C. Mason Wells (9/3/2004)

Dave Matthews Band Lyrics That Take On New Meaning in Light of the Recent Brouhaha Surrounding One of Its Bus Drivers, Who Allegedly Dumped the Contents of the Excrement Tank off of a Chicago River Bridge and Onto the Deck of a Tour Boat
by Dan Bruno (9/1/2004)

Alternatives to the “LOVE HATE” Knuckle Tattoo in Order of Increasing Rarity
by Charlie Gschwend and Tony Fassu (9/1/2004)

Lines Not Used in Coors Light’s “Accomplishments” Advertising Campaign
by Kevin Cahillane (9/1/2004)

Very Wrong Ways to Eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup
by Andrew McDonnell (9/1/2004)

E-mail Addresses It Would Be Really Annoying to Give Out Over the Phone
by Michael Ward (8/27/2004)

Horrible Movies Made Worse by an Infusion of Political Agenda
by David Cristofano (8/27/2004)

Horse Equipment or Dance From the ’60s?
by Brook Crawley (8/27/2004)

VH1’s Top 10 Songs of the Last 25 Years, Rearranged Into Eight Better Songs
by Chris Harvey (8/25/2004)

Hip-Hop Artist or Entry on U.S. Government Terrorist Watch List?
by Josh Michtom (8/25/2004)

Words That Could Conceivably Be Used to Describe Both Sherpas and Sherbet
by Michael Ward (8/23/2004)

Oft-Overlooked Benefits Enjoyed by Men with Female Names
by Matt Stewart (8/23/2004)

Logging Terms You Wouldn’t Want to Use at a Debutante Ball
by Eric Maierson (8/23/2004)

Things Which Smell Good, But Which Nevertheless Should Not Be Made Into Candle Scents
by Ebony Adams and Julie deGroot (8/23/2004)

The New Superstitions: M&M Colors and the Conditions They Cause
by Jim Connelly (8/17/2004)

Reasons to Use the New Aquafresh Extreme Clean Toothpaste with Micro-active Foaming Action (from Advertisements, News Releases, and the Product-Safety Data Sheet)
by Cheryl Bowles (8/17/2004)

New Names for Previously Recalled Pharmaceuticals Being Remarketed to Take Advantage of Their Side Effects
by Chris Steck (8/17/2004)

Selected Intriguing Names of Actual Federal Legislation: The A’s
by Greg Koehler (8/13/2004)

Whitney Houston Song Titles With “Love” Replaced by “Drug(s).”
by Kevin C. Smith (8/13/2004)

Classic Movie Lines That, Without Proper Editing, Would Not Have Been So Classic
by David Cristofano (8/13/2004)

Alien vs. Predator
by Christopher Monks (8/13/2004)

Favorite Gerund Movie Titles, Un-gerunded
by Ian Carey (8/10/2004)

Variations on “Spanking the Monkey” That Enable It to Apply to Female Masturbation
by Emily Lloyd (8/6/2004)

Sexual Euphemisms That Won’t Catch On
by Benjamin Kharakh (8/3/2004)

Featured Attractions at This Year’s Department of Homeland Security Pep Rally
by Audrey Ference (8/3/2004)

Sentences and Short Dialogues Incorporating Names of Countries in the Middle East
by Michael Degnan (8/3/2004)

Life Lessons (a.k.a. Tips From the Mario Brothers Instruction Booklet)
by Sue Marucci (7/29/2004)

A Hand-by-Hand Description of My Face During a Recent Poker Tournament
by James Kuhl (7/29/2004)

Hair Salon Names That Would Also Work as Steven Seagal Movies
by Chris Steck (7/29/2004)

Levels of the Mercalli Scale of Seismic Intensity Whose Descriptions Roughly Approximate the Effects of Consuming a Commensurate Number of Beers
by Mike Johns (7/27/2004)

Possible Names for a Third Team of Pickup Basketball Players If Shirts and Skins Are Already Taken
by Bret Turner (7/27/2004)

Fake Samarian Gods Referenced in the Motion Picture Ghostbusters, or Surnames of Professional Hockey Players
by Jared Young (7/27/2004)

Other Statements at Concerts That Caused Riots
by Austin Sidley and Max Luker (7/23/2004)

Things I’d Rather Do Than Go See Catwoman
by Benjamin Kharakh (7/23/2004)

Free Zingers for George W. Bush to Use During His Debates with John Kerry
by Ryan Boudinot (7/23/2004)

Quotes From the Announcers of Wrestlemania XX Which Were, but Should Not Have Been, Meant in All Seriousness
by Joseph M. Ippolito (7/14/2004)

A Hard Day’s Night
by Brendan Hill (7/14/2004)

Car Names Which, When Preceded by the Word “Anal,” Sound Like Bad Porn
by Rebecca Anderson (7/14/2004)

Good Names for Vicious Dogs
by Ed Page (7/14/2004)

What’s Up Next for Jack Layton’s Mustache?
by Joe O'Neill (7/6/2004)

A Collection of Unpublished Hospital Greeting Cards Meant to Ease Patients’ Fears About Their Looming Surgeries
by Tiffany Torres (7/6/2004)

Cosmetic Surgery I Would Recommend to the Single Women Who Own Dogs in My Neighborhood Based on What Max, My Border Collie/Lab Mix, Seems To Like
by Brandon Rogers (7/6/2004)

Playlists on Dick Cheney’s iPod
by Ryan Boudinot (7/2/2004)

If Charles Bukowski Had Written Children’s Books
by Litsa Dremousis (6/24/2004)

Little-Known Nancy Drew Titles
by Christina Delia (6/24/2004)

Downsized Works of Literature
by J.D. Finch (6/24/2004)

If All Characters Were Named After Places in Maine
by Rachel Axler (6/24/2004)

What the Stock Pages Would Look Like if Businesses Chose Ticker Abbreviations the Way Bar Patrons Choose Initials for Arcade-Game High-Score Lists
by B.M. Lilley (6/18/2004)

Andrew W.K.‘s Inspirational Website Messages or Charles Manson’s Poetry?
by John McRae (6/18/2004)

Words That at First Glance Appear to be The Names of Warring Populations in Bad Science-Fiction Novels, but are Actually Strange Marsupials
by Carrie Cizauskas (6/18/2004)

Russian Bolshevik Slogan or Prince Incarnation?
by David Chambers (6/11/2004)

Judy Blume’s Lesser-Known Philosophy Texts
by Sam Thielman (6/11/2004)

List of Soothing Musical Terms or Potentially Deadly Biological Weapons
by Jason McGregor (6/2/2004)

Punch Lines Suggested by Ashton Kutcher for Punk’d that Were Rejected Due to Their Archaic Nature
by Afsheen Family (6/2/2004)

Dialects of the Common Bumblebee
by Michelle Orange (6/2/2004)

Plant-Animal Hybrids that May Result from Genetic Engineering
by J.D. Smith (5/24/2004)

What I Actually Mean When I Say I Love You: Thirty Scenarios
by Shelley McIntyre (5/24/2004)

Wasploitation Flicks
by Peter Schooff (5/24/2004)

Eighteen Very Early and Oft-Forgotten James Bond Films
by Andrew Howley (5/19/2004)

Erotic Presidential Names
by Patrick W. Gavin (5/19/2004)

Popular Song Titles which Have Been Altered So as Not to Offend the Very Prudish
by Paul Kaloper (5/19/2004)

Love Isn’t…
by Mike Sacks and Ted Travelstead (5/13/2004)

C-Span Reality Show Ideas Seeking to Capitalize on the Popularity of VH1’s Bands Reunited
by Dave Wilson (5/13/2004)

Apart from an Angel Getting Its Wings, Other Things That Happen Every Time a Bell Rings
by Bryan Hughes (5/13/2004)

Excerpts from Love: Family Style — How to Have a Happy Home By Dr. Clarence W. Kerr with Nathanael Olson, Cited Here in Support of President Bush’s Marriage-Advocacy Initiatives or the Blessed Institution of (Heterosexual) Marriage
by A.E. Sousa (5/7/2004)

Biological Terms or Theories that Sound Made Up
by Emma Sheppard (5/7/2004)

Playground Toys Unsuitable for Children
by Joshua Seely (5/7/2004)

My Heart Belongs to Puff Daddy: Proposed New Names for Sean “P. Diddy” Combs in Honor of St. Valentine’s Day
by Melissa Bell (5/3/2004)

Sensations I Would Have Gladly Endured for a Full Thirty Minutes in Lieu of the Eight Months of Constant Discomfort Resulting from a Pinched Sciatic Nerve (the Longest Nerve in the Body)
by Matt Sherman (5/3/2004)

Rethinking Horse Proverbs
by Joseph O'Brien (5/3/2004)

Recently Purchased Fruits that Are Hairy on the Inside or Outside
by Jonathan Rivnay (4/27/2004)

Kentucky Derby Winner or Kentucky Headhunters Song Title?
by Eric Hamiter (4/14/2004)

Selections from the Nixon/Haldeman Conversations of a Somewhat Compromised Historical Significance
by Jane Laughlin and Shauna McKenna (4/14/2004)

Selected Messages from the More Than 600 Posted on Yahoo News in Response to a Story About the University of Wisconsin at Madison Developing an Ultraviolet Laser to Slice Cheese by “Blasting Apart the Molecular Bonds.”
by Frank Bures (4/14/2004)

More Actual Entries From Cab Calloway’s Hepster’s Dictionary, Revised 1939 Edition
by Josh Weintraub (4/7/2004)

Twenty Miscellaneous Authors from My Dorm Bookshelf, with Corresponding Airport Codes
by David Andrew Shook (4/7/2004)

Bad Names for Undercover Police Officers
by Wendy Molyneux (4/4/2004)

Titles of B-Movie Westerns that Give the Impression the West Was Wilder Than Previously Imagined
by Jim Ruland (4/4/2004)

Currently Available Stock Symbols that Might Lead to an Underwhelming IPO
by Brian Sack (4/2/2004)

Anachronisms in Russell Crowe’s Films
by Timmy Waldren (3/23/2004)

Alcoholics Anonymous Slogans as Eleven Murder Mystery Titles and One Spy Thriller Title
by Mark Jensen (3/23/2004)

McSweeney’s is a publishing company based in San Francisco.
As well as operating a daily humor website, we also publish Timothy McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, the Believer, and an ever-growing selection of books under various imprints. You can buy all of these things from our online store. We’re also transitioning to a nonprofit and would greatly appreciate your help. You can support us today by making a donation.