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Biological Terms or Theories that Sound Made Up
by Emma Sheppard (5/7/2004)

Playground Toys Unsuitable for Children
by Joshua Seely (5/7/2004)

My Heart Belongs to Puff Daddy: Proposed New Names for Sean “P. Diddy” Combs in Honor of St. Valentine’s Day
by Melissa Bell (5/3/2004)

Sensations I Would Have Gladly Endured for a Full Thirty Minutes in Lieu of the Eight Months of Constant Discomfort Resulting from a Pinched Sciatic Nerve (the Longest Nerve in the Body)
by Matt Sherman (5/3/2004)

Rethinking Horse Proverbs
by Joseph O'Brien (5/3/2004)

Recently Purchased Fruits that Are Hairy on the Inside or Outside
by Jonathan Rivnay (4/27/2004)

Kentucky Derby Winner or Kentucky Headhunters Song Title?
by Eric Hamiter (4/14/2004)

Selections from the Nixon/Haldeman Conversations of a Somewhat Compromised Historical Significance
by Jane Laughlin and Shauna McKenna (4/14/2004)

Selected Messages from the More Than 600 Posted on Yahoo News in Response to a Story About the University of Wisconsin at Madison Developing an Ultraviolet Laser to Slice Cheese by “Blasting Apart the Molecular Bonds.”
by Frank Bures (4/14/2004)

More Actual Entries From Cab Calloway’s Hepster’s Dictionary, Revised 1939 Edition
by Josh Weintraub (4/7/2004)

Twenty Miscellaneous Authors from My Dorm Bookshelf, with Corresponding Airport Codes
by David Andrew Shook (4/7/2004)

Bad Names for Undercover Police Officers
by Wendy Molyneux (4/4/2004)

Titles of B-Movie Westerns that Give the Impression the West Was Wilder Than Previously Imagined
by Jim Ruland (4/4/2004)

Currently Available Stock Symbols that Might Lead to an Underwhelming IPO
by Brian Sack (4/2/2004)

Anachronisms in Russell Crowe’s Films
by Timmy Waldren (3/23/2004)

Alcoholics Anonymous Slogans as Eleven Murder Mystery Titles and One Spy Thriller Title
by Mark Jensen (3/23/2004)

Random Passages Culled from Novels I Edited While Working at a Vanity Press
by Ken Mondschein (3/23/2004)

Grammatically Incorrect Sentences in the Space of Four Paragraphs in One Lesson of the Indiana Aware Driver Hoosier Ez Course Online Traffic School
by Jason Bredle (3/23/2004)

Possible Rhymes by Ice Cube After Being Knighted by the Queen
by Grant Vaught (3/23/2004)

Gospel Song Titles that Sound Dirty
by Angelo Young (3/19/2004)

Suggested Masters Thesis Titles Making Use of Puns on a 1983 Marvin Gaye Classic
by Jenny Kim and Michael Ward (3/19/2004)

Frequently Asked Questions About Expungements, According to the Website
by Afsheen Family (3/19/2004)

Selected Ohio University Undergraduate Honors Thesis Titles, 1999-Present, as Found on the Ohio University Honors Tutorial Website
by Caroline Nagy (3/15/2004)

Reported Legal Case Opinions Pertaining to or Mentioning Coleslaw
by John W. Vinson (3/15/2004)

Rejected Titles for Teen-Health Pamphlets
by Rachel Summer Tupelom (3/9/2004)

Eight Ways to Not Get Hit In the Face with a Brick
by Luke Hackney (3/9/2004)

Adjectives that, Depressingly, Apply to Various Products In My Bathroom but Not to Me, Personally
by Brendan Hill (3/7/2004)

PGA Golfers Who Might Have a Future in the Porn Industry
by Alex Gordon (3/7/2004)

Words That Could Conceivably Be Used to Describe Both Scalps and Scallops
by Michael Ward (2/27/2004)

Other Unfortunate Uses for Johnny Cash Songs
by Kenda Burrack (2/22/2004)

Duck, Duck, Goose
by Michael Ward (2/22/2004)

Hexadecimal Color Codes in HTML That Look or Sound Dirty, But Are in Fact Merely Colorful
by Angela Genusa (2/22/2004)

Things Editorial Assistants Should Never Say to Senior Editors
by Stephen Karam (2/22/2004)

New Age Statements From Breakdancing: Mr. Fresh and the Supreme Rockers Show You How to Do It! (Avon Books, 1984)
by Brendan Short (2/22/2004)

Possible Good Rock Band Names Inspired by the Korean Central News Agency’s Press Release Entitled “DPRK, Dignified Powerful Nation.”
by Joey Hemmelgarn (2/22/2004)

Major Hollywood Productions that Kill Off the Only, or Only Important, Black Character in the Film
by Cameron D. Holley (2/22/2004)

Reasons You Should Not Place Your Foot onto the Street When a Car Is Coming, Even If You Are Curious About How It Would Feel If a Car Ran over Your Foot
by Jay Wexler (2/22/2004)

New Movie Reviews from Ebert & Roeper
by Steve Caldes (2/22/2004)

Actual Dialogue from Radio Commercials That I’ve Been Asked to Deliver “Believably” As If Normal People Would Say Such Things
by Brian Sack (2/16/2004)

Shakespearean Magnet Poetry and ’80s Hair Bands
by Jennifer Carlson (2/9/2004)

Places I’ve Walked Into with a Confident Swagger Despite Public Warning
by Wells Oliver (2/5/2004)

Who and What Was Most Likely Responsible for the Births of Our Current Democratic Presidential Candidates
by Adam Brown (2/5/2004)

Quotes from Either President of the United States George W. Bush or Senator/Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine from the Star Wars Movies
by Jason McGregor (2/5/2004)

Seven Vaguely Dickensian Yet Sophomorically Inappropriate Proper Names, Two Legitimate Dickensian Characters, and One U.S. State — Or “The Dickens Cider Bleak House Rules.”
by Ben Skoch (1/28/2004)

Food, Drink, and Condiment Names That May Also Serve as Names of Ecdysiasts and/or Adult Film Stars
by J.D. Lewis (1/28/2004)

My Attempt to Further Depress a Particularly Unfunny List, Sent to Me by Someone at Work, by Making Random Remarks
by Darby Larson (1/20/2004)

Possible Restaurant Names For a Themed Slot-Machine/Race-Car/Tokens-And-Prizes Establishment That Has an Overwhelming Amount of Seafood Dishes On the Menu
by Millie de Chirico (1/15/2004)

Androgynous Names of Former Toronto Blue Jays
by Darryl Humber (1/15/2004)

Ways This Flight Might Yet Be the Death of Me
by Cate Carlson (1/15/2004)

3 People I Was Surprised to Find Mentioned in a Review of J. Papastavridis’ “Analytical Mechanics: A Comprehensive Treatise on the Dynamics of Constrained Systems; for Engineers, Physicists and Mathematicians” in the Bulletin of the American Mathematics
by Charles Ullmann (1/13/2004)

Harry Potter Spell or Psychotropic Medication?
by Terra Morais (1/13/2004)

Lesser-known DC Comics Characters or “As Seen on TV” Products?
by Natalie Dietz (1/13/2004)

College A Capella Groups, Sorted by Major College-Football Rivalries
by Patrick W. Gavin (1/7/2004)

Adjective and Noun Combinations Considered and Then Discarded in Favor of “Black Betty” in the Song “Black Betty,” Which Is Perhaps Better Known as “Whoa! Black Betty! Bam-ba-Lam.”
by Evan Billings (1/4/2004)

Suggested Names for Religious Rap Artists
by Josh Fischel and Michael Ward (12/21/2003)

Working Titles for Sly and the Family Stone’s “Thank You Falletinme Be Mice Elf Agin.”
by Scott Shemo (12/21/2003)

Yakov Smirnoff Joke or Offensive to Russians?
by Scott Tomford (12/15/2003)

Famous Predictions
by Adam Underhill (12/15/2003)

Headlines in the Sports Section of My College Newspaper That Seemed Funny at the Time, But in Retrospect Were Probably Just Unnecessarily Mean-Spirited
by Ilya Abyzov (12/15/2003)

Rejected Titles Suggested by Clay Aiken for Ruben Studdard’s Debut Album
by Robert McEvily (12/8/2003)

Popular Pickup Lines Used by Serial Killers
by Wendy Molyneux (12/8/2003)

Replacing Bunnies With Bastards
by Mark Peters (12/4/2003)

Possible Closing Lines for a Defendant Who Has Chosen to Represent Himself
by Brian Sack (12/4/2003)

Actual Entries from Cab Calloway’s Hepster’s Dictionary, Revised 1939 Edition
by Josh Weintraub (11/21/2003)

Physical Theories as Women
by Simon DeDeo (11/12/2003)

Pillow Talk
by Hari Raghavan (11/12/2003)

People I’d Have Sex with to Avoid “Dialing Down the Middle” with Carrot Top, As Revealed by a Recent Game of “Who Would You Rather Sleep With?”
by Evany Thomas (11/12/2003)

Things You Should Not Substitute for Whipped Cream During Food Sex, Even if You Are Out of Whipped Cream
by Jay Wexler (11/6/2003)

Why Love Is Blind
by Matthew Simmons (11/6/2003)

List of Organizations, People, and Anthropomorphic Endangered Species That, for Funds-Soliciting Purposes, Purchased My Closely Held New Mailing Address from the ACLU, Which I Recently Joined, Ironically, to Support Privacy Rights
by Nicolas Duquette (11/6/2003)

Random Book Dedications Read From the Bargain Bin
by Brandon Rogers (10/31/2003)

Albert Einstein College of Medicine Professor or Dr. Pepper Knock-Off Brand?
by Jules Lipoff (10/31/2003)

Jokes I May Have Misremembered
by David Fischer and Shauna McKenna (10/23/2003)

1960s Dance Craze or Kama Sutra Position?
by Rachel Good (10/21/2003)

Things I Told Customers While Working at a Starbucks, in a Mall, in the Baltimore Suburbs
by Stephanie Manuzak (10/21/2003)

Possible Names for a Supergroup Consisting Solely of Jack Black and Jack White
by Scott Sand (10/21/2003)

Dee Snider’s Notes from Workshopping a B-Side to “Stay Hungry.”
by B.R. Cohen (10/10/2003)

Reverse-Chronology Films or Imitation Designer Colognes
by Scott Bailey (10/10/2003)

How One Would Have Seen Various Film Franchises Had They Been Directed By Matthew Barney
by Matt Myers (10/10/2003)

Things for Which I Was Either Reprimanded or Outright Suspended Without Pay When I Was a Teenage Universal Studios Hollywood Tour Guide in the Late Eighties
by Scott Bailey (10/10/2003)

Story Endings O. Henry Didn’t Use
by J.D. Finch (10/10/2003)

Rejected Titles for Hymns
by Mollie Wilson (10/3/2003)

Alphabetical Listing of the Occupations of the People Running for Governor of California (As Listed on the “Official Sample Ballot”)
by Tom O'Connor (10/3/2003)

Geology Terms That Sound Like Names for Small Forest People
by Vance Anderson (10/3/2003)

Geology Terms That Sound Dirty, But Aren’t
by Vance Anderson (10/3/2003)

Comments My Father Made to the TV
by Andy Earles (10/3/2003)

An Incomplete List of Admonitions, Disclaimers, and Braggadocios Appearing on the Cardboard Sleeves of Thirty-Three and One-Third Revolutions Per Minute Microgroove Long-Playing Phonographic Records
by Jim Kuhn (9/26/2003)

Grout-Related Phrases Written on the Grout in a Bathroom Stall (Most Likely Written While Sitting on the Toilet)
by Ryan Gratzer (9/26/2003)

Reasons You’re No Longer Fit To Be an Architect
by Jason Roeder (9/26/2003)

Yngwie Malmsteen or Spinal Tap?
by David Lewis and Simon French (9/21/2003)

Jim Croce’s List of Things It Would Be Imprudent to Do
by Mollie Wilson (9/21/2003)

Remembered Items Bid During an Apparently Drunken but Lucid Game of High Stakes Verbal “Trivia Poker,” as Overheard During Observance of the Leonid Meteor Showers, High Atop Skyline Boulevard in the Hills of Oakland, California
by Eric Van Uffelen (9/15/2003)

Lyrics from Bob Dylan Tunes or Poorly Translated English on Japanese Food Packaging
by Kim McCann (9/15/2003)

TV Guide Movie Capsules, Heaven Edition
by Greg Murphy (9/15/2003)

Certain Foods and the Individual Utensils it is Difficult to Eat Them With
by Eric Van Uffelen (9/8/2003)

Fluid-Related Terms Indicative of a State of Grace, Mostly from Various Obscure Religions
by Steve Krodman (9/3/2003)

Titles of Rock Songs Covered on Barbra’s Rock Album, Butterfly, or “Barbra’s Statements” from
by Andrew Tibbetts (9/3/2003)

Robert Frost Greeting Cards
by Dennis Mahoney (8/21/2003)

Things I Would Say to Dorothy Parker If I Was Her Boyfriend that Would Lead to a Huge Fight
by Matthew Simmons (8/21/2003)

Possible Collaborations Between James Brown and Loretta Lynn, to be Performed at This Year’s Kennedy Center Honors Ceremony
by Ben Skoch (8/6/2003)

McSweeney’s is a publishing company based in San Francisco.
As well as operating a daily humor website, we also publish Timothy McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, the Believer, and an ever-growing selection of books under various imprints. You can buy all of these things from our online store. We’re also transitioning to a nonprofit and would greatly appreciate your help. You can support us today by making a donation.