Lists

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Send your list submissions to lists@mcsweeneys.net.

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Good Names for Vicious Dogs
by Ed Page (7/14/2004)

What’s Up Next for Jack Layton’s Mustache?
by Joe O'Neill (7/6/2004)

A Collection of Unpublished Hospital Greeting Cards Meant to Ease Patients’ Fears About Their Looming Surgeries
by Tiffany Torres (7/6/2004)

Cosmetic Surgery I Would Recommend to the Single Women Who Own Dogs in My Neighborhood Based on What Max, My Border Collie/Lab Mix, Seems To Like
by Brandon Rogers (7/6/2004)

Playlists on Dick Cheney’s iPod
by Ryan Boudinot (7/2/2004)

If Charles Bukowski Had Written Children’s Books
by Litsa Dremousis (6/24/2004)

Little-Known Nancy Drew Titles
by Christina Delia (6/24/2004)

Downsized Works of Literature
by J.D. Finch (6/24/2004)

If All Characters Were Named After Places in Maine
by Rachel Axler (6/24/2004)

What the Stock Pages Would Look Like if Businesses Chose Ticker Abbreviations the Way Bar Patrons Choose Initials for Arcade-Game High-Score Lists
by B.M. Lilley (6/18/2004)

Andrew W.K.‘s Inspirational Website Messages or Charles Manson’s Poetry?
by John McRae (6/18/2004)

Words That at First Glance Appear to be The Names of Warring Populations in Bad Science-Fiction Novels, but are Actually Strange Marsupials
by Carrie Cizauskas (6/18/2004)

Russian Bolshevik Slogan or Prince Incarnation?
by David Chambers (6/11/2004)

Judy Blume’s Lesser-Known Philosophy Texts
by Sam Thielman (6/11/2004)

List of Soothing Musical Terms or Potentially Deadly Biological Weapons
by Jason McGregor (6/2/2004)

Punch Lines Suggested by Ashton Kutcher for Punk’d that Were Rejected Due to Their Archaic Nature
by Afsheen Family (6/2/2004)

Dialects of the Common Bumblebee
by Michelle Orange (6/2/2004)

Plant-Animal Hybrids that May Result from Genetic Engineering
by J.D. Smith (5/24/2004)

What I Actually Mean When I Say I Love You: Thirty Scenarios
by Shelley McIntyre (5/24/2004)

Wasploitation Flicks
by Peter Schooff (5/24/2004)

Eighteen Very Early and Oft-Forgotten James Bond Films
by Andrew Howley (5/19/2004)

Erotic Presidential Names
by Patrick W. Gavin (5/19/2004)

Popular Song Titles which Have Been Altered So as Not to Offend the Very Prudish
by Paul Kaloper (5/19/2004)

Love Isn’t…
by Mike Sacks and Ted Travelstead (5/13/2004)

C-Span Reality Show Ideas Seeking to Capitalize on the Popularity of VH1’s Bands Reunited
by Dave Wilson (5/13/2004)

Apart from an Angel Getting Its Wings, Other Things That Happen Every Time a Bell Rings
by Bryan Hughes (5/13/2004)

Excerpts from Love: Family Style — How to Have a Happy Home By Dr. Clarence W. Kerr with Nathanael Olson, Cited Here in Support of President Bush’s Marriage-Advocacy Initiatives or the Blessed Institution of (Heterosexual) Marriage
by A.E. Sousa (5/7/2004)

Biological Terms or Theories that Sound Made Up
by Emma Sheppard (5/7/2004)

Playground Toys Unsuitable for Children
by Joshua Seely (5/7/2004)

My Heart Belongs to Puff Daddy: Proposed New Names for Sean “P. Diddy” Combs in Honor of St. Valentine’s Day
by Melissa Bell (5/3/2004)

Sensations I Would Have Gladly Endured for a Full Thirty Minutes in Lieu of the Eight Months of Constant Discomfort Resulting from a Pinched Sciatic Nerve (the Longest Nerve in the Body)
by Matt Sherman (5/3/2004)

Rethinking Horse Proverbs
by Joseph O'Brien (5/3/2004)

Recently Purchased Fruits that Are Hairy on the Inside or Outside
by Jonathan Rivnay (4/27/2004)

Kentucky Derby Winner or Kentucky Headhunters Song Title?
by Eric Hamiter (4/14/2004)

Selections from the Nixon/Haldeman Conversations of a Somewhat Compromised Historical Significance
by Jane Laughlin and Shauna McKenna (4/14/2004)

Selected Messages from the More Than 600 Posted on Yahoo News in Response to a Story About the University of Wisconsin at Madison Developing an Ultraviolet Laser to Slice Cheese by “Blasting Apart the Molecular Bonds.”
by Frank Bures (4/14/2004)

More Actual Entries From Cab Calloway’s Hepster’s Dictionary, Revised 1939 Edition
by Josh Weintraub (4/7/2004)

Twenty Miscellaneous Authors from My Dorm Bookshelf, with Corresponding Airport Codes
by David Andrew Shook (4/7/2004)

Bad Names for Undercover Police Officers
by Wendy Molyneux (4/4/2004)

Titles of B-Movie Westerns that Give the Impression the West Was Wilder Than Previously Imagined
by Jim Ruland (4/4/2004)

Currently Available Stock Symbols that Might Lead to an Underwhelming IPO
by Brian Sack (4/2/2004)

Anachronisms in Russell Crowe’s Films
by Timmy Waldren (3/23/2004)

Alcoholics Anonymous Slogans as Eleven Murder Mystery Titles and One Spy Thriller Title
by Mark Jensen (3/23/2004)

Random Passages Culled from Novels I Edited While Working at a Vanity Press
by Ken Mondschein (3/23/2004)

Grammatically Incorrect Sentences in the Space of Four Paragraphs in One Lesson of the Indiana Aware Driver Hoosier Ez Course Online Traffic School
by Jason Bredle (3/23/2004)

Possible Rhymes by Ice Cube After Being Knighted by the Queen
by Grant Vaught (3/23/2004)

Gospel Song Titles that Sound Dirty
by Angelo Young (3/19/2004)

Suggested Masters Thesis Titles Making Use of Puns on a 1983 Marvin Gaye Classic
by Jenny Kim and Michael Ward (3/19/2004)

Frequently Asked Questions About Expungements, According to the Website www.uslawbooks.com
by Afsheen Family (3/19/2004)

Selected Ohio University Undergraduate Honors Thesis Titles, 1999-Present, as Found on the Ohio University Honors Tutorial Website
by Caroline Nagy (3/15/2004)

Reported Legal Case Opinions Pertaining to or Mentioning Coleslaw
by John W. Vinson (3/15/2004)

Rejected Titles for Teen-Health Pamphlets
by Rachel Summer Tupelom (3/9/2004)

Eight Ways to Not Get Hit In the Face with a Brick
by Luke Hackney (3/9/2004)

Adjectives that, Depressingly, Apply to Various Products In My Bathroom but Not to Me, Personally
by Brendan Hill (3/7/2004)

PGA Golfers Who Might Have a Future in the Porn Industry
by Alex Gordon (3/7/2004)

Words That Could Conceivably Be Used to Describe Both Scalps and Scallops
by Michael Ward (2/27/2004)

Other Unfortunate Uses for Johnny Cash Songs
by Kenda Burrack (2/22/2004)

Duck, Duck, Goose
by Michael Ward (2/22/2004)

Hexadecimal Color Codes in HTML That Look or Sound Dirty, But Are in Fact Merely Colorful
by Angela Genusa (2/22/2004)

Things Editorial Assistants Should Never Say to Senior Editors
by Stephen Karam (2/22/2004)

New Age Statements From Breakdancing: Mr. Fresh and the Supreme Rockers Show You How to Do It! (Avon Books, 1984)
by Brendan Short (2/22/2004)

Possible Good Rock Band Names Inspired by the Korean Central News Agency’s Press Release Entitled “DPRK, Dignified Powerful Nation.”
by Joey Hemmelgarn (2/22/2004)

Major Hollywood Productions that Kill Off the Only, or Only Important, Black Character in the Film
by Cameron D. Holley (2/22/2004)

Reasons You Should Not Place Your Foot onto the Street When a Car Is Coming, Even If You Are Curious About How It Would Feel If a Car Ran over Your Foot
by Jay Wexler (2/22/2004)

New Movie Reviews from Ebert & Roeper
by Steve Caldes (2/22/2004)

Actual Dialogue from Radio Commercials That I’ve Been Asked to Deliver “Believably” As If Normal People Would Say Such Things
by Brian Sack (2/16/2004)

Shakespearean Magnet Poetry and Eighties Hair Bands
by Jennifer Carlson (2/9/2004)

Places I’ve Walked Into with a Confident Swagger Despite Public Warning
by Wells Oliver (2/5/2004)

Who and What Was Most Likely Responsible for the Births of Our Current Democratic Presidential Candidates
by Adam Brown (2/5/2004)

Quotes from Either President of the United States George W. Bush or Senator/Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine from the Star Wars Movies
by Jason McGregor (2/5/2004)

Seven Vaguely Dickensian Yet Sophomorically Inappropriate Proper Names, Two Legitimate Dickensian Characters, and One U.S. State — Or “The Dickens Cider Bleak House Rules.”
by Ben Skoch (1/28/2004)

Food, Drink, and Condiment Names That May Also Serve as Names of Ecdysiasts and/or Adult Film Stars
by J.D. Lewis (1/28/2004)

My Attempt to Further Depress a Particularly Unfunny List, Sent to Me by Someone at Work, by Making Random Remarks
by Darby Larson (1/20/2004)

Possible Restaurant Names For a Themed Slot-Machine/Race-Car/Tokens-And-Prizes Establishment That Has an Overwhelming Amount of Seafood Dishes On the Menu
by Millie de Chirico (1/15/2004)

Androgynous Names of Former Toronto Blue Jays
by Darryl Humber (1/15/2004)

Ways This Flight Might Yet Be the Death of Me
by Cate Carlson (1/15/2004)

3 People I Was Surprised to Find Mentioned in a Review of J. Papastavridis’ “Analytical Mechanics: A Comprehensive Treatise on the Dynamics of Constrained Systems; for Engineers, Physicists and Mathematicians” in the Bulletin of the American Mathematics
by Charles Ullmann (1/13/2004)

Harry Potter Spell or Psychotropic Medication?
by Terra Morais (1/13/2004)

Lesser-known DC Comics Characters or “As Seen on TV” Products?
by Natalie Dietz (1/13/2004)

College A Capella Groups, Sorted by Major College-Football Rivalries
by Patrick W. Gavin (1/7/2004)

Adjective and Noun Combinations Considered and Then Discarded in Favor of “Black Betty” in the Song “Black Betty,” Which Is Perhaps Better Known as “Whoa! Black Betty! Bam-ba-Lam.”
by Evan Billings (1/4/2004)

Suggested Names for Religious Rap Artists
by Josh Fischel and Michael Ward (12/21/2003)

Working Titles for Sly and the Family Stone’s “Thank You Falletinme Be Mice Elf Agin.”
by Scott Shemo (12/21/2003)

Yakov Smirnoff Joke or Offensive to Russians?
by Scott Tomford (12/15/2003)

Famous Predictions
by Adam Underhill (12/15/2003)

Headlines in the Sports Section of My College Newspaper That Seemed Funny at the Time, But in Retrospect Were Probably Just Unnecessarily Mean-Spirited
by Ilya Abyzov (12/15/2003)

Rejected Titles Suggested by Clay Aiken for Ruben Studdard’s Debut Album
by Robert McEvily (12/8/2003)

Popular Pickup Lines Used by Serial Killers
by Wendy Molyneux (12/8/2003)

Replacing Bunnies With Bastards
by Mark Peters (12/4/2003)

Possible Closing Lines for a Defendant Who Has Chosen to Represent Himself
by Brian Sack (12/4/2003)

Actual Entries from Cab Calloway’s Hepster’s Dictionary, Revised 1939 Edition
by Josh Weintraub (11/21/2003)

Physical Theories as Women
by Simon DeDeo (11/12/2003)

Pillow Talk
by Hari Raghavan (11/12/2003)

People I’d Have Sex with to Avoid “Dialing Down the Middle” with Carrot Top, As Revealed by a Recent Game of “Who Would You Rather Sleep With?”
by Evany Thomas (11/12/2003)

Things You Should Not Substitute for Whipped Cream During Food Sex, Even if You Are Out of Whipped Cream
by Jay Wexler (11/6/2003)

Why Love Is Blind
by Matthew Simmons (11/6/2003)

List of Organizations, People, and Anthropomorphic Endangered Species That, for Funds-Soliciting Purposes, Purchased My Closely Held New Mailing Address from the ACLU, Which I Recently Joined, Ironically, to Support Privacy Rights
by Nicolas Duquette (11/6/2003)

Random Book Dedications Read From the Bargain Bin
by Brandon Rogers (10/31/2003)

Albert Einstein College of Medicine Professor or Dr. Pepper Knock-Off Brand?
by Jules Lipoff (10/31/2003)

Jokes I May Have Misremembered
by David Fischer and Shauna McKenna (10/23/2003)

McSweeney’s is a publishing company based in San Francisco.
As well as operating a daily humor website, we also publish Timothy McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, the Believer, and an ever-growing selection of books under various imprints. You can buy all of these things from our online store.