- - - -

Send your list submissions to

- - - -
- - - -
Twelve Phrases Involving Al Roker That Return Only One Hit on Google
by Matthew Stidle (1/20/2006)

If Poets Named Breakfast Cereals
by Josh Michtom (1/17/2006)

Places Where I Can Find a Woman Like Jesse’s Girl, Years Later
by Dan Reed (1/17/2006)

“Love” Songs Replaced With Danny Glover
by Donaville Herrick (1/17/2006)

Unpleasant Questions to Be Asked at the End of a Meal
by Jacque Lynn Schiller (1/13/2006)

Dr. Phil’s Inventions
by Scott Smith (1/13/2006)

Words and Phrases I Hope Never Appear in Front of My Name in Print
by Michael Ward (1/13/2006)

Suggestions for a Proposed National Code of Health Emoticons and Abbreviations for Instant Messenger
by Kathy Salerno (1/11/2006)

Things My Girlfriend Did Not Say After I Told Her That I Sometimes Feel Stuck
by Adam Iverson (1/6/2006)

Affirmations Google Should Consider Putting on Its Search Button Other Than “I’m Feeling Lucky.”
by Angela Genusa (1/4/2006)

Advice You’ll Never Get From OnStar
by Lynnell Edwards (1/4/2006)

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places
by Maya Rudolph (1/4/2006)

Scary Moments in Human/Robot Relations in Nonchronological Order
by Geoff Haggerty (1/4/2006)

Places to Which Eddie Murphy’s Character in Coming to America Would Want to Move If, Instead of a Queen, He Wanted to Find a Prostitute
by Neal Dusedau (12/23/2005)

Most Popular Hobbies in Ancient Rome as Portrayed in HBO’s Rome
by Keith McIntire (12/23/2005)

Possible First Names for Count Chocula
by Adam Selzer (12/23/2005)

Things I Thought About Telling My Husband I Was Thinking About When He Asked What I Was Thinking About While I Was Actually Thinking About Having Babies
by Meg Freebern (12/14/2005)

Questions You Should Ask Someone Who Calls in a Bomb Threat, According to the “Life Safety Manual” at My Office Building in Chicago
by Mike Aparicio (12/14/2005)

Amended Tag Lines for Arby’s
by Dan Kennedy (12/14/2005)

Milton Bradley’s Secret Invasion Orders for the Attack on Boston Harbor
by Todd Rovak (12/9/2005)

Selected Comments From a British Web Discussion Forum Entitled “Protecting Your Home From Criminals—How Far Would You Go?”
by Owain Brimfield (12/9/2005)

Ideas for Creating American Jobs That Are Better Than the 735,000 Jobs Promised If Drilling Is Allowed in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge
by G.C. Aitch (12/9/2005)

What I Learned Listening to AM Radio
by George Ford (12/9/2005)

Socially Awkward Situations During Which It Would Be Acceptable to Mess With Texas
by Benjamin Sumlin (12/2/2005)

Intimidating But Rejected Sports-Team Names
by Richard Long (11/18/2005)

Bruce Springsteen Songs, If the Title More Accurately Reflected the Subject Matter
by Matthew Turk (11/18/2005)

Movies That Won’t Be Shown on the Lifetime Network
by Shyra Latiolais (11/18/2005)

Forthcoming Books in the Increasingly Mature Harry Potter Series
by Colleen Doyle (11/11/2005)

If Beasts Were Breasts in the Bookstore
by Mark Peters (11/11/2005)

Some Additional Polar Ambulations
by Matt Wyatt (11/11/2005)

Least Reputable Charities
by Lucas Cox (11/4/2005)

Great Books of the 20th Century, as Reviewed by My Boss
by Nathan Thornton (11/4/2005)

Reasons Bloggers Hate the Mainstream Media
by William Wolfe (11/4/2005)

Comments From the Crowd Gathering Around the Body of Phidippides, Reporter of the Greek Victory Over the Persians at Marathon, Soon After He Gasped, “We Won,” and Died
by Brian Hubbard (10/28/2005)

What I Like About You
by James Muldowney (10/28/2005)

Rejected Bond Girls
by Rebecca Waits (10/28/2005)

My Rejected Cooking Show Ideas
by Dan Kennedy (10/21/2005)

Leonard Cohen’s Seven Immutable Laws of Business
by Ken Krimstein (10/21/2005)

Other Places Jimmy Buffett Wasted Away
by Chris Steck (10/13/2005)

Subjects of “Light Bulb” Jokes That Will Probably Lead to Boring Punch Lines
by Peter J. Woods (10/13/2005)

Five Ill-Fated Store Names
by V. Einstein (10/13/2005)

The Names of the President and the Members of the Presidential Cabinet According to the Etymological Backgrounds of Their First and Last Names, and of Their Middle Names When Available
by Jørgen G. Cleemann (10/12/2005)

If Yosemite Sam’s Curses Were Considered Real Profanity and Were Dubbed Over for Television in the Same Clumsy, Unconvincing Manner as 1980s R-Rated Movies
by Martin Bell (10/7/2005)

Ways in Which the Disinterred Corpse of Silent-Film Actor Lon Chaney Would Be a Better Vice President Than Dick Cheney
by Ian Adams (10/7/2005)

As Yet Unrecognized by Microsoft Windows
by Adam Chapman (10/5/2005)

Fruit-Drink Flavors That Never Took Off
by Ben Weinberg (10/5/2005)

Things You Would Say If You Had a Time Machine and Lots of Financial Problems
by Lynette Cain (9/30/2005)

State Songs, If They All Suggested the Apathy of Idaho’s “Here We Have Idaho”
by Craig Robertson (9/30/2005)

Ed Harrelson, Teen-Driver’s-Education Instructor
by Sean Carman (9/30/2005)

7 Habits of Highly Successful People
by Brendon Lloyd (9/23/2005)

Stories About My Puma
by Meg Favreau (9/23/2005)

Companies at the Vanguard of the New Era in Christian Marketing
by Ned Rust (9/16/2005)

What Thoreau Is Missing
by Shannon Peach (9/16/2005)

I Can Never Recall the Name of Brooklyn’s New Hip Band
by Dan Kennedy (9/16/2005)

Methods Other Than Song by Which One Can Be Killed Softly
by Emily Lawton and Jonathan Holley (9/16/2005)

Modern Air-Guitar Alternatives
by Steve McKnight (9/9/2005)

Excerpts From the “Band Members Wanted” Section of the New York Musicians’ Exchange (Circa 1987)
by John Dadey (9/9/2005)

Poker Terminology I Feel I Could Get Away With Saying If I Ever Played a Tournament
by Andy Sutherland (9/9/2005)

Not-So-Good Names for Murder Mysteries
by Kevin Thoreson (9/2/2005)

Places You Might Find Jesus
by Jessy Henderson (9/2/2005)

Directors’ Commentaries From My DVD Collection
by John Mancini (9/2/2005)

Totalitarian Institutions That Would Have Been More Fitting for George Orwell’s 1984, Considering How That Year Turned Out
by Patrick Cassels (8/26/2005)

Chapter Titles From My Creationist Textbook
by David Ng (8/26/2005)

Klingon Fairy Tales
by Mike Richardson-Bryan (8/22/2005)

Things Koala Bears Would Say
by Tim Weinman (8/19/2005)

Other Poll Questions That May One Day Appear on an Unnamed Internet News Website, Given Its Recently Asked Question “Have You Ever Been in an Accident Involving a Plane?” Following the Air France Crash
by Meredith O'Donnell and Tracey Harrington (8/19/2005)

Poorly Selling T-Shirts
by Josh Knisely (8/19/2005)

Elements Waiting Patiently for Inclusion on the Periodic Table
by Katie McHugh and Scott Gold (8/17/2005)

Ways One Could, in Theory, Fight the Seether
by Stephen Walsh (8/17/2005)

Nonverbal Cues in Bizarro’s World
by Ted Sanchez (8/17/2005)

Things My Brother Has That I Don’t
by Scott Evan Newcomb (8/12/2005)

Ten Precepts From The Art of War That Never Made It Past Sun Tzu’s Editor
by John Kearney (8/12/2005)

Acts Prohibited by the U.S. House of Representatives’ Proposed Flag-Burning Amendment
by James Erwin (8/10/2005)

Less-Threatening Islamist Groups
by Chris Wilkinson (8/10/2005)

Seven Band Names That Would Be Impossible to Book
by Mike Hampton (8/10/2005)

Lesser-Known Movie Prequels
by Sarah Garb (8/5/2005)

The Stages of All My Romantic Relationships as Described by Hall and Oates Song Titles
by Anthony Rosato (8/5/2005)

Obscenities Uttered by Jesus Christ
by Andrew Sutherland and Cara Jennison (8/3/2005)

Things My Boss Said to Me Without Elaborating
by Isaiah Dufort (7/22/2005)

Special-Interest Bike Shops
by Marin Aldridge (7/22/2005)

Admirable Activities for Suburban Residents That Sound Wholly Unremarkable When Performed by Superheroes
by Tim Vanderburg (7/22/2005)

Twelve Sequels to Dances With Wolves That, Due to Monetary Constraints, Were Never Produced
by Eric Feezell (7/15/2005)

Things This One Girl Sitting Near Me in a Movie Theater Said Out Loud When One of the Characters Was Shown Pulling Into a Gas Station
by Conley Wouters (7/15/2005)

Rides From the Amusement Park of My Collective Memory
by Mark Alexandre Fortin (7/13/2005)

Things Pandora Could Have Opened That Wouldn’t Have Produced Such Unpleasant Results
by Devin McGinty (7/12/2005)

Unhelpful Clues Given by Jan-Michael Vincent During an October 1983 Taping of The New $25,000 Pyramid Where the Category to Be Guessed Was “Things You Do at a Party”
by Aaron Starmer (7/11/2005)

My Personal Mottoes
by Brian Beatty (7/7/2005)

What to Think About When Two “Grown Adults” Come and Complain to You About How They Cannot Get Along With Each Other at Work
by Dave Best (7/7/2005)

Things My Family Prefers Over Gay Marriage
by Will Bilyeu (7/7/2005)

Authorial Candy Bars, With Their Respective Tag Lines, That Weren’t as Successful as the Oh Henry! Candy Bar
by Jonathan Shipley (6/29/2005)

Christmas Presents I Would Consider Giving Mr. Belvedere Were He My Personal Manservant
by CT Kelley (6/29/2005)

The Mall’s Banana Republics for the New Millennium
by Kate Hahn (6/24/2005)

The Extended Family of Thespian Rip Torn
by Patrick Cassels (6/24/2005)

Future Winners of the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest
by Roy Futterman (6/24/2005)

The Most Beautiful Men in the World
by Runjit Chandra (6/21/2005)

Things Not Overheard at a Conceptual-Art Gallery Opening
by Jason Persse (6/21/2005)

Ad Slogans That Would Be Perfect for Levitra, But, Unfortunately, They Have Already Been Used
by Hart Seely (6/21/2005)

Actual Examples of Model Conversational Phrases That the Travel Guide Les Etats-Unis Dans Votre Poche: Edition Bilingue (Haiter, 1980) Felt Were So Central to the Experiences Likely to be Undergone by French Visitors to America That It Included Them on
by Beth Maynard (6/15/2005)

Half-Assed Erotic Film Classics
by Michael Rodman (6/15/2005)

Things That, If Knowing Is Half the Battle, Might Be the Other Half
by Nico Vreeland (6/15/2005)

McSweeney’s is a publishing company based in San Francisco.
As well as operating a daily humor website, we also publish Timothy McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, the Believer, and an ever-growing selection of books under various imprints. You can buy all of these things from our online store. We’re also transitioning to a nonprofit and would greatly appreciate your help. You can support us today by making a donation.