Lists

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Alternate Captions for Seven Family Circus Cartoons
by Adam Eli Clem (2/3/2005)

New State Names Resulting From the Coming Wave of Mergers and Acquisitions
by Michael Ward (1/28/2005)

Imperatives From the Mail-Order Catalog “Collections, Inc.”
by Laura Ellis (1/26/2005)

Seldom-Seen Lunchbox Notes From Mothers
by Peter Cunniffe (1/26/2005)

Play-by-Play of Classic Sports Rivalries If the Team Names Actually Represented the Combatants. And Also, Instead of Playing the Sport, They’re Fighting to the Death
by Geoff Haggerty (1/26/2005)

Psychic Predictions From the Narcissistic Magic 8 Ball
by Danny Gallagher (1/26/2005)

Ten Things the Guy at Starbucks Is Thinking While Looking at the Brunette Barista Behind the Counter
by Jonathan Shipley (1/26/2005)

Famous Names Rewritten in a World Greatly Influenced by the Main Character of a 1982 Disney Movie
by Josh Kramer (1/24/2005)

Discarded Titles for George Orwell’s 1984
by Jez Burrows (1/24/2005)

Things I’d Probably Say If the Bush Administration Were Just a Weekly TV Show and I Were a Regular Viewer
by Eric Maierson (1/24/2005)

Amazon.com Customer Comments: Bible or Satanic Bible?
by Steven Seighman (1/19/2005)

Leaders of the Hip-Hop Nation
by Jason Feifer (1/19/2005)

Songs I Might Perform During a Cabaret Act Designed to Break Gently to My Mother That I Am a Crossdresser
by Melvyn Brown (1/14/2005)

Scratch-and-Sniff Books That Have Failed the Test of Time
by Koji Park (1/14/2005)

Actual Opening Lines Used on Me by Business-to-Business Telemarketers
by Eric Wrisley (1/14/2005)

Alternative Punishments for the Monkey, Seeing How Spanking is Cruel
by Rob Sears (1/7/2005)

Gentrification of Popular Rap Lyrics
by Cougar Moxley (1/7/2005)

“Before-and-After” Puzzles Deemed Unsuitable for Use by the Producers of Wheel of Fortune
by Steve Krodman (1/7/2005)

Ill-Fated Ideas Borne of a Hallmark Brainstorming Session
by Tim Cigelske (1/5/2005)

A List of Actual Quotes Taken From the Directions and Mission Statements of Organic Products Belonging to My Vegan Roommate
by Kate Brown (1/5/2005)

Two Bugs on Display at the Montreal Insectarium, the First of Which I Thought Very Impressive Until I Saw the Second
by Dan Guterman (1/5/2005)

Alternatives to “Opening a Can o’ Whupass” for the Less Confrontationally Inclined
by Ian Carey (12/21/2004)

Richard Rodgers’ Neighborhood
by Sam Thielman (12/21/2004)

Popular Songs Renamed Along the Lines of the Cattlemen’s Beef Board Ad Campaign “Beef, It’s What’s for Dinner.”
by Geoff Smith (12/21/2004)

Culinary Trends That Never Quite Caught On
by Chris Steck and Magaret Steck (12/21/2004)

Failed Comic Strips
by Adam Koford (12/21/2004)

Disingenuous Reasons for Band Names (’70s Edition)
by Ryan Boudinot (12/21/2004)

Rap Act or Gay-Rights Advocacy Group?
by Paul Grellong (12/17/2004)

By Paul Grellong (12/17/04) Excerpts From 2004 Summer-Movie Reviews That Also Describe Tom Morello’s Guitar Work on the Debut Rage Against the Machine Album
by Lucas Stangl (12/17/2004)

Names of University of Oklahoma Football Players, Past and Present, That Sound Like Characters From Dr. Strangelove
by Wampus Reynolds (12/16/2004)

Guide to Determine If You Are in a Jerry Bruckheimer Movie
by Peter W. Suderman (12/14/2004)

Now Playing at the Zombietown 12-Screen Cineplex
by John Moe (12/14/2004)

Your Seat Cushion Doubles as a Personal Flotation Device in the Event of a Water Landing, but Other Airplane Items May Be Useful as Well
by Tracy Moller (12/14/2004)

Films That May Be More Interesting With a Letter or Two Missing
by Steve Finbow (12/14/2004)

TV Catch Phrases That Weren’t
by Richard Long (12/7/2004)

Non-Recommended Questions for Your Five-Minute Speed Date
by Jim Stallard (12/6/2004)

New Slogans for America to Use to Sell Itself to the Islamic World
by Rob Bates (12/6/2004)

Things Arlen Specter Could Do in Order to Secure the Chairmanship of the Senate Judicial Committee (In Ascending Order of Effectiveness)
by Austin Sidley (12/6/2004)

Deflation/Inflation
by Michelle McKenzie (12/1/2004)

Mildly Upsetting Fortune-Cookie Messages
by Sloan Schang (12/1/2004)

56 Uncommon Baby Names for Boys, Culled From the Index of Volume 3 of Master of the Senate, Robert Caro’s Biography of Lyndon Johnson
by Andrew Cohen (11/18/2004)

I Lack the Physical Ability to Be in the NFL but I More Than Make Up for It With My Innovation in the Area of Touchdown Celebrations
by Peter Haas (11/18/2004)

Words to Know When Listening to German Industrial Music
by Asa Pillsbury (11/18/2004)

Signs Your Doctor May Be Coming On to You
by Wendy Molyneux (11/17/2004)

Why the Lone Ranger Gave Up His Cell Phone
by Greg Howard (11/12/2004)

Why Hollywood Hates the Metric System
by David Cristofano (11/12/2004)

Other Things Donna Summer Might Have Been Seeking When Singing “Hot Stuff.”
by Peter Cunniffe (11/10/2004)

Cruel Nicknames for Overweight Vampires
by Amy Cassner-Sems, Cal Clinchard, Marty Sems and Nathan Chandler (11/10/2004)

Rappers I Thought Were Asian
by Sujan Hong (11/10/2004)

Action Verbs to Use Sparingly on Résumés
by Dave Ash (11/5/2004)

Sentences Containing Surfing Terms That May Be Uttered After Drinking Coffee on an Empty Stomach
by Michelle McKenzie (11/5/2004)

General Broadcasting Standards Concerning Upper-Torso Nudity
by Dayvid Figler (11/5/2004)

What Not to Be in the Middle of When the Earthquake Comes
by Charlie Hopper (11/2/2004)

First Names of Women Who Probably Shouldn’t Marry Me, Given My Surname
by Kevin M. Hyde (11/2/2004)

Candidates Running in the 2004 General Election Whose Names Feature Food or Drink
by JC Bellringer (11/1/2004)

Campaign-Trail Quotes From George W. Bush, If He Were Running for President in 1848
by Sean Keane (11/1/2004)

Rejected Names for Smokeless Tobacco Products
by Jen Bingham (10/22/2004)

Versions of Well-Known Films in Which the Protagonist Has Been Replaced With Leon Trotsky
by Erick Peterson (10/22/2004)

Dissertation Titles That Suggest the Author Was Preoccupied With Other Issues at the Time of Writing
by Zhubin Parang (10/20/2004)

Inappropriate “Do It” Slogans
by Jeremy Martin (10/20/2004)

Recent Occurrences at Owl Creek Bridge
by Lucas Klauss (10/20/2004)

The Search Continues: Places Where O.J. Simpson Has Not Found the Killer
by Dan Kennedy (10/20/2004)

Bands and Musicians Whose Careers Would Be Quite Different Had They Initially Misspelled Their Own Names
by Chuck Whittington (10/20/2004)

Prince Song or Inspirational Signage Outside Byron United Covenant Church?
by Michelle Orange (10/15/2004)

Names of Cheeses Inspired by Star Wars Characters
by Steve Krodman (10/15/2004)

Republican Dozens
by David Jasper (10/12/2004)

Titles of Hardy Boys Books in Which the Villain Could Have Turned Out to Be George W. Bush
by Martin Bell (10/12/2004)

Nine Lessons Learned From Baseball on the Radio
by Joe Lavin (10/12/2004)

Early Incarnations of Fat Joe’s Instructional Dance Hit “Lean Back.”
by Lincoln Michel (10/8/2004)

Contenders Who Vied With Thunder From Down Under to Be the Featured All-Male Revue at Las Vegas’s Excalibur Casino
by Nancy Callahan (10/8/2004)

What a Difference a Year Makes
by Nav Purewal (10/5/2004)

Alternative Names for MoveOn.org
by Lukas Kaiser (10/5/2004)

Moons That Orbit Distant Planets or Female Birth Control Brand Names?
by Danny Gallagher (10/5/2004)

Some Possibilities in a Half-Hearted Campaign to Rename the Middle West
by Frank Bures (10/1/2004)

Really Boring Books for Children
by Melissa Bell (10/1/2004)

Old Bumper Stickers Updated
by Kevin Reifler (10/1/2004)

A List of Five Favorite Heresies of the Roman Catholic Church, Disguised in the Form of Unused Episode Titles for the Hit Situation Comedy Friends, and Their Dates
by Alex East (9/30/2004)

Secrets Revealed During VH1’s I Love the ’90s
by Claire Zulkey (9/30/2004)

Letters That Have Never Brought You an Episode of Sesame Street
by Ryan Joe (9/30/2004)

How to Tell If Your Employer Has You Under Surveillance
by Michael Fowler (9/24/2004)

Actual Superheroes From the Pages of International and Obscure Comic Books Who Are Unlikely to See Their Origin Stories Developed Into Movies
by Frank Smith (9/24/2004)

Twenty Underused Yoga Positions
by Taylor Kirkpatrick and Walter Swanson (9/21/2004)

Recent and Past Headlines From the Arusha Times, in Arusha, Tanzania
by Frank Bures (9/21/2004)

Musical Styles That Never Caught On
by Ben Solomon (9/17/2004)

Songs That Wouldn’t Have Been Hits If They’d Been Grammatically Correct
by Karen Wise (9/17/2004)

Most Common Recurring Dreams of the Cicada
by Tracy Moller (9/17/2004)

Armed Band of Thugs or Minor Star Wars Character?
by David Dekrey (9/15/2004)

Golf Course Names That Sound Dirty
by Justin Baker (9/15/2004)

The Most Memorable Comments Actually Overheard During My Medical Training, Thus Far
by Noah Raizman (9/10/2004)

UNIX Application or Outlawed Paramilitary/Guerrilla Organization?
by Sara Cody (9/10/2004)

Proposed Titles for a Remake of Bend It Like Beckham, Using Croatian Players in the Titles
by Joe O'Neill (9/10/2004)

Guide to Determining If You Are Constantly Being Mauled by Bears
by Dan Pride (9/3/2004)

Guided by Voices Song Titles That Could Double as Chapter Headings in Al Qaeda Training Manuals
by Paul Grellong (9/3/2004)

Lyrics From Pavement’s Slanted and Enchanted That Sound Like They Could Be Slogans Shouted by Protesters During the Republican National Convention Speeches
by C. Mason Wells (9/3/2004)

Dave Matthews Band Lyrics That Take On New Meaning in Light of the Recent Brouhaha Surrounding One of Its Bus Drivers, Who Allegedly Dumped the Contents of the Excrement Tank off of a Chicago River Bridge and Onto the Deck of a Tour Boat
by Dan Bruno (9/1/2004)

Alternatives to the “LOVE HATE” Knuckle Tattoo in Order of Increasing Rarity
by Charlie Gschwend and Tony Fassu (9/1/2004)

Lines Not Used in Coors Light’s “Accomplishments” Advertising Campaign
by Kevin Cahillane (9/1/2004)

Very Wrong Ways to Eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup
by Andrew McDonnell (9/1/2004)

E-mail Addresses It Would Be Really Annoying to Give Out Over the Phone
by Michael Ward (8/27/2004)

Horrible Movies Made Worse by an Infusion of Political Agenda
by David Cristofano (8/27/2004)

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