Lists

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Send your list submissions to lists@mcsweeneys.net.

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Possible Reasons My Short Stories Are So Poorly Reviewed by the Other Members of My Writers’ Workshop
by Jared Young (3/15/2006)

Linebackers Who Are Twice as Good as Mike Singletary
by Chris Morgan (3/15/2006)

Things I Might Be Convinced to Give My Left Arm For
by Gibson Holub (3/8/2006)

Reasons the Little Teapot Was Picked On in High School
by Taylor Dearr (3/8/2006)

Things I Could Have Said When the Strap on My Israeli Paratrooper Bag Broke If I’d Known the Outcome of Whichever War It Was Used In
by Greg Boose (3/8/2006)

Sample Emoticons for e-Kicking Someone in the e-Balls
by Barbara DeCesare (3/6/2006)

What the People Who Used to Live in My House Apparently Said to Each Other Before Selling It to Me
by Jessy Randall (3/3/2006)

Victoria’s Secret
by Megan Amram (3/3/2006)

Things That Are Beyond the Pale
by Matthew Warren (3/3/2006)

Other Signs Held Up by Olympic Moguls Skier Toby Dawson’s Mom Besides “GOOD LUCK, TOBY DAWSON!”
by Andy Hobin (3/3/2006)

Smart Sequels and Spinoffs That Failed With the 18-to-34-Year-Old Demographic
by Iva Marie Palmer (2/23/2006)

A Gay Cowboy’s Top 10 Movies of 2005
by Patrick T. Hewlett (2/23/2006)

Possible Titles for an Actual A&E Network Documentary on a Murder Case in Battle Creek, Michigan
by Andrew Milner (2/23/2006)

Selected Entries From the Index to the Owner’s Handbook of the 2000 Saturn S-Series Sedan
by Matthew W. Grieco (2/16/2006)

Upcoming Jean-Claude Van Damme Film Titles That Show a Lack of Imagination on the Part of the Director and Screenwriters
by Trevor Seigler (2/16/2006)

Anticipated Sequels to the Children’s Book Everyone Poops
by Melanie Minzes (2/16/2006)

Nonviolent Westerns
by Theodore Koutz (2/10/2006)

Hot New Color Trends for 2006
by Beth Edwards (2/10/2006)

Activities That Might Prove More Practical Than Cleaning My Gas Mask Once a Month as the Army Suggests
by John McRae (2/10/2006)

Terrifying Bioengineered Animal-Snack Hybrids Not Mentioned as Potential Threats During the State of the Union Address
by Brian Leatherman and Matthew Brehm (2/3/2006)

Last Night’s Top Five Alphabet-Soup Spoonfuls
by Jason Ratliff (2/3/2006)

Unlikely World War II Fighter Squadron Names
by Ken Feinleib (2/3/2006)

Brian Wilson’s First Five Suggestions for the Name of the Album That Would Be Called Pet Sounds
by Timmy Waldren (2/3/2006)

Responses to People on the 6 Train That Hopefully Convey My Feelings in a Polite Way
by Leighton Davis (2/1/2006)

Secret Canadian Superweapons in Development
by Wynn Quon (2/1/2006)

Less Powerful Industry Lobbying Groups
by Todd Rovak (2/1/2006)

What the Corinthians Wrote Back to the Apostle Paul
by Andrew Milner (1/26/2006)

Names for Your Transgender Baby
by Carmen Nobel (1/26/2006)

Things You Can Do If You Love Jesus Other Than Honk
by Jen Goodhue (1/24/2006)

What You Gon’ Do With All That Junk Inside That Trunk?
by Lucas Cox (1/20/2006)

Geometric Relationships More Realistic Than the Love Triangle
by Jez Burrows (1/20/2006)

Twelve Phrases Involving Al Roker That Return Only One Hit on Google
by Matthew Stidle (1/20/2006)

If Poets Named Breakfast Cereals
by Josh Michtom (1/17/2006)

Places Where I Can Find a Woman Like Jesse’s Girl, Years Later
by Dan Reed (1/17/2006)

“Love” Songs Replaced With Danny Glover
by Donaville Herrick (1/17/2006)

Unpleasant Questions to Be Asked at the End of a Meal
by Jacque Lynn Schiller (1/13/2006)

Dr. Phil’s Inventions
by Scott Smith (1/13/2006)

Words and Phrases I Hope Never Appear in Front of My Name in Print
by Michael Ward (1/13/2006)

Suggestions for a Proposed National Code of Health Emoticons and Abbreviations for Instant Messenger
by Kathy Salerno (1/11/2006)

Things My Girlfriend Did Not Say After I Told Her That I Sometimes Feel Stuck
by Adam Iverson (1/6/2006)

Affirmations Google Should Consider Putting on Its Search Button Other Than “I’m Feeling Lucky.”
by Angela Genusa (1/4/2006)

Advice You’ll Never Get From OnStar
by Lynnell Edwards (1/4/2006)

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places
by Maya Rudolph (1/4/2006)

Scary Moments in Human/Robot Relations in Nonchronological Order
by Geoff Haggerty (1/4/2006)

Places to Which Eddie Murphy’s Character in Coming to America Would Want to Move If, Instead of a Queen, He Wanted to Find a Prostitute
by Neal Dusedau (12/23/2005)

Most Popular Hobbies in Ancient Rome as Portrayed in HBO’s Rome
by Keith McIntire (12/23/2005)

Possible First Names for Count Chocula
by Adam Selzer (12/23/2005)

Things I Thought About Telling My Husband I Was Thinking About When He Asked What I Was Thinking About While I Was Actually Thinking About Having Babies
by Meg Freebern (12/14/2005)

Questions You Should Ask Someone Who Calls in a Bomb Threat, According to the “Life Safety Manual” at My Office Building in Chicago
by Mike Aparicio (12/14/2005)

Amended Tag Lines for Arby’s
by Dan Kennedy (12/14/2005)

Milton Bradley’s Secret Invasion Orders for the Attack on Boston Harbor
by Todd Rovak (12/9/2005)

Selected Comments From a British Web Discussion Forum Entitled “Protecting Your Home From Criminals—How Far Would You Go?”
by Owain Brimfield (12/9/2005)

Ideas for Creating American Jobs That Are Better Than the 735,000 Jobs Promised If Drilling Is Allowed in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge
by G.C. Aitch (12/9/2005)

What I Learned Listening to AM Radio
by George Ford (12/9/2005)

Socially Awkward Situations During Which It Would Be Acceptable to Mess With Texas
by Benjamin Sumlin (12/2/2005)

Intimidating But Rejected Sports-Team Names
by Richard Long (11/18/2005)

Bruce Springsteen Songs, If the Title More Accurately Reflected the Subject Matter
by Matthew Turk (11/18/2005)

Movies That Won’t Be Shown on the Lifetime Network
by Shyra Latiolais (11/18/2005)

Forthcoming Books in the Increasingly Mature Harry Potter Series
by Colleen Doyle (11/11/2005)

If Beasts Were Breasts in the Bookstore
by Mark Peters (11/11/2005)

Some Additional Polar Ambulations
by Matt Wyatt (11/11/2005)

Least Reputable Charities
by Lucas Cox (11/4/2005)

Great Books of the 20th Century, as Reviewed by My Boss
by Nathan Thornton (11/4/2005)

Reasons Bloggers Hate the Mainstream Media
by William Wolfe (11/4/2005)

Comments From the Crowd Gathering Around the Body of Phidippides, Reporter of the Greek Victory Over the Persians at Marathon, Soon After He Gasped, “We Won,” and Died
by Brian Hubbard (10/28/2005)

What I Like About You
by James Muldowney (10/28/2005)

Rejected Bond Girls
by Rebecca Waits (10/28/2005)

My Rejected Cooking Show Ideas
by Dan Kennedy (10/21/2005)

Leonard Cohen’s Seven Immutable Laws of Business
by Ken Krimstein (10/21/2005)

Other Places Jimmy Buffett Wasted Away
by Chris Steck (10/13/2005)

Subjects of “Light Bulb” Jokes That Will Probably Lead to Boring Punch Lines
by Peter J. Woods (10/13/2005)

Five Ill-Fated Store Names
by V. Einstein (10/13/2005)

The Names of the President and the Members of the Presidential Cabinet According to the Etymological Backgrounds of Their First and Last Names, and of Their Middle Names When Available
by Jørgen G. Cleemann (10/12/2005)

If Yosemite Sam’s Curses Were Considered Real Profanity and Were Dubbed Over for Television in the Same Clumsy, Unconvincing Manner as 1980s R-Rated Movies
by Martin Bell (10/7/2005)

Ways in Which the Disinterred Corpse of Silent-Film Actor Lon Chaney Would Be a Better Vice President Than Dick Cheney
by Ian Adams (10/7/2005)

As Yet Unrecognized by Microsoft Windows
by Adam Chapman (10/5/2005)

Fruit-Drink Flavors That Never Took Off
by Ben Weinberg (10/5/2005)

Things You Would Say If You Had a Time Machine and Lots of Financial Problems
by Lynette Cain (9/30/2005)

State Songs, If They All Suggested the Apathy of Idaho’s “Here We Have Idaho”
by Craig Robertson (9/30/2005)

Ed Harrelson, Teen-Driver’s-Education Instructor
by Sean Carman (9/30/2005)

7 Habits of Highly Successful People
by Brendon Lloyd (9/23/2005)

Stories About My Puma
by Meg Favreau (9/23/2005)

Companies at the Vanguard of the New Era in Christian Marketing
by Ned Rust (9/16/2005)

What Thoreau Is Missing
by Shannon Peach (9/16/2005)

I Can Never Recall the Name of Brooklyn’s New Hip Band
by Dan Kennedy (9/16/2005)

Methods Other Than Song by Which One Can Be Killed Softly
by Emily Lawton and Jonathan Holley (9/16/2005)

Modern Air-Guitar Alternatives
by Steve McKnight (9/9/2005)

Excerpts From the “Band Members Wanted” Section of the New York Musicians’ Exchange (Circa 1987)
by John Dadey (9/9/2005)

Poker Terminology I Feel I Could Get Away With Saying If I Ever Played a Tournament
by Andy Sutherland (9/9/2005)

Not-So-Good Names for Murder Mysteries
by Kevin Thoreson (9/2/2005)

Places You Might Find Jesus
by Jessy Henderson (9/2/2005)

Directors’ Commentaries From My DVD Collection
by John Mancini (9/2/2005)

Totalitarian Institutions That Would Have Been More Fitting for George Orwell’s 1984, Considering How That Year Turned Out
by Patrick Cassels (8/26/2005)

Chapter Titles From My Creationist Textbook
by David Ng (8/26/2005)

Klingon Fairy Tales
by Mike Richardson-Bryan (8/22/2005)

Things Koala Bears Would Say
by Tim Weinman (8/19/2005)

Other Poll Questions That May One Day Appear on an Unnamed Internet News Website, Given Its Recently Asked Question “Have You Ever Been in an Accident Involving a Plane?” Following the Air France Crash
by Meredith O'Donnell and Tracey Harrington (8/19/2005)

Poorly Selling T-Shirts
by Josh Knisely (8/19/2005)

Elements Waiting Patiently for Inclusion on the Periodic Table
by Katie McHugh and Scott Gold (8/17/2005)

Ways One Could, in Theory, Fight the Seether
by Stephen Walsh (8/17/2005)

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