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Rejected Bond Girls
by Rebecca Waits (10/28/2005)

My Rejected Cooking Show Ideas
by Dan Kennedy (10/21/2005)

Leonard Cohen’s Seven Immutable Laws of Business
by Ken Krimstein (10/21/2005)

Other Places Jimmy Buffett Wasted Away
by Chris Steck (10/13/2005)

Subjects of “Light Bulb” Jokes That Will Probably Lead to Boring Punch Lines
by Peter J. Woods (10/13/2005)

Five Ill-Fated Store Names
by V. Einstein (10/13/2005)

The Names of the President and the Members of the Presidential Cabinet According to the Etymological Backgrounds of Their First and Last Names, and of Their Middle Names When Available
by Jørgen G. Cleemann (10/12/2005)

If Yosemite Sam’s Curses Were Considered Real Profanity and Were Dubbed Over for Television in the Same Clumsy, Unconvincing Manner as 1980s R-Rated Movies
by Martin Bell (10/7/2005)

Ways in Which the Disinterred Corpse of Silent-Film Actor Lon Chaney Would Be a Better Vice President Than Dick Cheney
by Ian Adams (10/7/2005)

As Yet Unrecognized by Microsoft Windows
by Adam Chapman (10/5/2005)

Fruit-Drink Flavors That Never Took Off
by Ben Weinberg (10/5/2005)

Things You Would Say If You Had a Time Machine and Lots of Financial Problems
by Lynette Cain (9/30/2005)

State Songs, If They All Suggested the Apathy of Idaho’s “Here We Have Idaho”
by Craig Robertson (9/30/2005)

Ed Harrelson, Teen-Driver’s-Education Instructor
by Sean Carman (9/30/2005)

7 Habits of Highly Successful People
by Brendon Lloyd (9/23/2005)

Stories About My Puma
by Meg Favreau (9/23/2005)

Companies at the Vanguard of the New Era in Christian Marketing
by Ned Rust (9/16/2005)

What Thoreau Is Missing
by Shannon Peach (9/16/2005)

I Can Never Recall the Name of Brooklyn’s New Hip Band
by Dan Kennedy (9/16/2005)

Methods Other Than Song by Which One Can Be Killed Softly
by Emily Lawton and Jonathan Holley (9/16/2005)

Modern Air-Guitar Alternatives
by Steve McKnight (9/9/2005)

Excerpts From the “Band Members Wanted” Section of the New York Musicians’ Exchange (Circa 1987)
by John Dadey (9/9/2005)

Poker Terminology I Feel I Could Get Away With Saying If I Ever Played a Tournament
by Andy Sutherland (9/9/2005)

Not-So-Good Names for Murder Mysteries
by Kevin Thoreson (9/2/2005)

Places You Might Find Jesus
by Jessy Henderson (9/2/2005)

Directors’ Commentaries From My DVD Collection
by John Mancini (9/2/2005)

Totalitarian Institutions That Would Have Been More Fitting for George Orwell’s 1984, Considering How That Year Turned Out
by Patrick Cassels (8/26/2005)

Chapter Titles From My Creationist Textbook
by David Ng (8/26/2005)

Klingon Fairy Tales
by Mike Richardson-Bryan (8/22/2005)

Things Koala Bears Would Say
by Tim Weinman (8/19/2005)

Other Poll Questions That May One Day Appear on an Unnamed Internet News Website, Given Its Recently Asked Question “Have You Ever Been in an Accident Involving a Plane?” Following the Air France Crash
by Meredith O'Donnell and Tracey Harrington (8/19/2005)

Poorly Selling T-Shirts,
by Josh Knisely (8/19/2005)

Elements Waiting Patiently for Inclusion on the Periodic Table
by Katie McHugh and Scott Gold (8/17/2005)

Ways One Could, in Theory, Fight the Seether
by Stephen Walsh (8/17/2005)

Nonverbal Cues in Bizarro’s World
by Ted Sanchez (8/17/2005)

Things My Brother Has That I Don’t
by Scott Evan Newcomb (8/12/2005)

Ten Precepts From The Art of War That Never Made It Past Sun Tzu’s Editor
by John Kearney (8/12/2005)

Acts Prohibited by the U.S. House of Representatives’ Proposed Flag-Burning Amendment
by James Erwin (8/10/2005)

Less-Threatening Islamist Groups
by Chris Wilkinson (8/10/2005)

Seven Band Names That Would Be Impossible to Book
by Mike Hampton (8/10/2005)

Lesser-Known Movie Prequels
by Sarah Garb (8/5/2005)

The Stages of All My Romantic Relationships as Described by Hall and Oates Song Titles
by Anthony Rosato (8/5/2005)

Obscenities Uttered by Jesus Christ
by Andrew Sutherland and Cara Jennison (8/3/2005)

Things My Boss Said to Me Without Elaborating
by Isaiah Dufort (7/22/2005)

Special-Interest Bike Shops
by Marin Aldridge (7/22/2005)

Admirable Activities for Suburban Residents That Sound Wholly Unremarkable When Performed by Superheroes
by Tim Vanderburg (7/22/2005)

Twelve Sequels to Dances With Wolves That, Due to Monetary Constraints, Were Never Produced
by Eric Feezell (7/15/2005)

Things This One Girl Sitting Near Me in a Movie Theater Said Out Loud When One of the Characters Was Shown Pulling Into a Gas Station
by Conley Wouters (7/15/2005)

Rides From the Amusement Park of My Collective Memory
by Mark Alexandre Fortin (7/13/2005)

Things Pandora Could Have Opened That Wouldn’t Have Produced Such Unpleasant Results
by Devin McGinty (7/12/2005)

Unhelpful Clues Given by Jan-Michael Vincent During an October 1983 Taping of The New $25,000 Pyramid Where the Category to Be Guessed Was “Things You Do at a Party”
by Aaron Starmer (7/11/2005)

My Personal Mottoes
by Brian Beatty (7/7/2005)

What to Think About When Two “Grown Adults” Come and Complain to You About How They Cannot Get Along With Each Other at Work
by Dave Best (7/7/2005)

Things My Family Prefers Over Gay Marriage
by Will Bilyeu (7/7/2005)

Authorial Candy Bars, With Their Respective Tag Lines, That Weren’t as Successful as the Oh Henry! Candy Bar
by Jonathan Shipley (6/29/2005)

Christmas Presents I Would Consider Giving Mr. Belvedere Were He My Personal Manservant
by CT Kelley (6/29/2005)

The Mall’s Banana Republics for the New Millennium
by Kate Hahn (6/24/2005)

The Extended Family of Thespian Rip Torn
by Patrick Cassels (6/24/2005)

Future Winners of the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest
by Roy Futterman (6/24/2005)

The Most Beautiful Men in the World
by Runjit Chandra (6/21/2005)

Things Not Overheard at a Conceptual-Art Gallery Opening
by Jason Persse (6/21/2005)

Ad Slogans That Would Be Perfect for Levitra, But, Unfortunately, They Have Already Been Used
by Hart Seely (6/21/2005)

Actual Examples of Model Conversational Phrases That the Travel Guide Les Etats-Unis Dans Votre Poche: Edition Bilingue (Haiter, 1980) Felt Were So Central to the Experiences Likely to be Undergone by French Visitors to America That It Included Them on
by Beth Maynard (6/15/2005)

Half-Assed Erotic Film Classics
by Michael Rodman (6/15/2005)

Things That, If Knowing Is Half the Battle, Might Be the Other Half
by Nico Vreeland (6/15/2005)

Top Three Things Q*bert Is Pissed About Today
by Mike Singer (6/13/2005)

Discarded Titles for Toni Braxton’s 1996 Hit “Unbreak My Heart.”
by Thomas Desmond (6/8/2005)

How Other School Subjects Would Be Spelled by People Who Refer to the Three R’s As “Reading, ’Riting, and ’Rithmetic.”
by Cecil Hoff and Rich Mehrenberg (6/3/2005)

Fish Names That Sound Like Unfortunate 7th-Graders
by Jeanne P. Fratello (6/3/2005)

Boner: Noun, Informal, a Blunder or an Error
by Lucas Klauss (6/1/2005)

Errors in Communication Between My Hairdresser and Me, in the Form of What I Said and What He Heard
by Jez Burrows (6/1/2005)

How to Tell If Your Vegetarian Girlfriend Has Been Sneaking Meat
by Jennifer Neely (6/1/2005)

Pickup Lines: The First Drafts
by Mark Vanderhoff (5/27/2005)

Upcoming and Much-Needed Thomas Frank Titles
by Kevin Shay (5/26/2005)

Reasons I Don’t Feel Like I’m Family When at the Olive Garden
by Matthew Rorem (5/20/2005)

Things That Are Just Barely Thicker Than Peter Gallagher’s Eyebrows
by Morgan Day Frank (5/20/2005)

Pickup Lines Used by Mario
by Christopher Doody (5/20/2005)

Embarrassing Things That Might Happen to You While Using a Lightsaber
by Patrick Cassels (5/18/2005)

Ways in Which Free to Be You and Me Damaged My Future Relationships With Women
by Roy Futterman (5/17/2005)

Folk Instruments or B-Movie Monsters Fought by Gamera?
by John Holowach Jr. (5/17/2005)

Soup Blurbs
by Travis Cloud (5/17/2005)

Movies Russ Meyer Could Have Produced to Make a Government’s Budget Process Appear More Exciting
by Matt Arnold (5/13/2005)

Jobs Mickey Goldmill Got Fired From Before Becoming Rocky Balboa’s Beloved Coach
by Jonathan Shipley (5/13/2005)

Tools or Actions in Photoshop That, Were They Applicable to Real Life, Would Prove Useful at Various Stages of a Relationship
by Michael Lascarides (5/13/2005)

Popular Singers Inspired by Fats Domino and Chubby Checker
by Dan Guterman (5/12/2005)

Fun Facts About Chinese President Hu Jintao, as Conveyed by American Culture
by Michael Ward (5/12/2005)

Things Heard During John Cage’s Folsom Prison Performance of “4’33”."
by Aaron Burch, Christopher Monks, Elizabeth Ellen, Jensen Whelan, Jim Ruland, Matthew Simmons, Melissa Bell, Pasha Malla and Steven Seighman (5/12/2005)

Comments Overheard at a Brainstorming Meeting Between Ted Nugent and the Editors of Gourmet Magazine Where They Were Discussing the Upcoming Book Gourmet Magazine’s Vegan Cooking With Ted Nugent
by Aaron Starmer (5/11/2005)

Three Items at the Supermarket I See in a New Way, Now That I’ve Read Some Books on Literary Theory
by Matthew Simmons (5/10/2005)

Song Titles, Before Editing for Language Efficiency and Clarity
by Jack Schneider, Moses Rifkin and Paul Sacchetti (5/10/2005)

Selections From the Beatles’ Catalog, Had the Band Evolved Not Toward the Adoption of a More Experimental Sound in Its Later Years, but Into Rorqual Whales
by Eric March (5/6/2005)

From the Prog Rock Ice Cream Shoppe: Flavors Inspired by a Certain Canadian Power Trio
by Matt Bull (5/6/2005)

New Radiohead Material to Be Debuted at a Benefit Show to Protest Privatization of the Postal Sector
by Jez Burrows and Michael Jenkins (5/6/2005)

Things I Cannot Say to My Unpaid Interns As It Would Make Me Look Like an Ungrateful Bitch
by Amy Adoyzie (5/4/2005)

Things I Imagine My Boss Does When He Goes Home for the Night
by Nick Pyle (5/4/2005)

Last Names Clearly Derived From Ancestral Professions
by Sam Means (5/3/2005)

The Settings That Would Be On a Blender Today If the Blender Had Been Invented, Say, 100 Years Before Its Actual Invention Date of 1922
by Steve Schneider (5/2/2005)

Reasons We Can’t Have a Baby, Honey
by Geoff Smith (4/29/2005)

Titles of Sermons to Which Congregants Might Actually Pay Attention
by Jason Kellett (4/29/2005)

Good Casino Ads / Bad Things for Someone to Say About Your Mom
by Molly Dolan (4/29/2005)

McSweeney’s is a publishing company based in San Francisco.
As well as operating a daily humor website, we also publish Timothy McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, the Believer, and an ever-growing selection of books under various imprints. You can buy all of these things from our online store. We’re also transitioning to a nonprofit and would greatly appreciate your help. You can support us today by making a donation.