Lists

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Three Items at the Supermarket I See in a New Way, Now That I’ve Read Some Books on Literary Theory
by Matthew Simmons (5/10/2005)

Song Titles, Before Editing for Language Efficiency and Clarity
by Jack Schneider, Moses Rifkin and Paul Sacchetti (5/10/2005)

Selections From the Beatles’ Catalog, Had the Band Evolved Not Toward the Adoption of a More Experimental Sound in Its Later Years, but Into Rorqual Whales
by Eric March (5/6/2005)

From the Prog Rock Ice Cream Shoppe: Flavors Inspired by a Certain Canadian Power Trio
by Matt Bull (5/6/2005)

New Radiohead Material to Be Debuted at a Benefit Show to Protest Privatization of the Postal Sector
by Jez Burrows and Michael Jenkins (5/6/2005)

Things I Cannot Say to My Unpaid Interns As It Would Make Me Look Like an Ungrateful Bitch
by Amy Adoyzie (5/4/2005)

Things I Imagine My Boss Does When He Goes Home for the Night
by Nick Pyle (5/4/2005)

Last Names Clearly Derived From Ancestral Professions
by Sam Means (5/3/2005)

The Settings That Would Be On a Blender Today If the Blender Had Been Invented, Say, 100 Years Before Its Actual Invention Date of 1922
by Steve Schneider (5/2/2005)

Reasons We Can’t Have a Baby, Honey
by Geoff Smith (4/29/2005)

Titles of Sermons to Which Congregants Might Actually Pay Attention
by Jason Kellett (4/29/2005)

Good Casino Ads / Bad Things for Someone to Say About Your Mom
by Molly Dolan (4/29/2005)

Translated Thoughts and Questions That Are Running Through a North Korean Refugee’s Mind When He Is Awarded Political Asylum in the United States, Settles Down, Turns on the Television, and the First Thing He Sees Is a Fancy Feast Cat-Food Commercial
by David Aldridge (4/26/2005)

Actual Ways I Have Been Flirted With That, in the Future, I Wish You Would Refrain From, With Explanations as to Why, and Suggestions for Alternative Methods
by Aimee Hennessy (4/22/2005)

Things This City Was Built On, Besides Rock ‘n’ Roll
by Eric March (4/22/2005)

Fortune-Cookie Sayings That Are Misleading and, At Times, Dangerous When Used as Road Signs
by Justin Kahn (4/22/2005)

Kanye West’s Lyric “The Way School Need Teachers / The Way Kathie Lee Needed Regis / That’s the Way I Need Jesus,” Adapted for Other Religions
by Martin Bell (4/20/2005)

Reasons to Fear Canada
by Sean Carman (4/20/2005)

The Next Thing Said After Select Famous Phrases
by Marc Tyler Nobleman (4/20/2005)

Chapter Headings on the Directions for IRS Form 1040 That Will Become the Titles of Best-Selling Thrillers by John Grisham, C.P.A
by Eric Silver (4/15/2005)

Sentences That, If Used by Judges in a Spelling Bee, Would Prove Totally Unhelpful to Contestants Attempting to Derive the Meaning of the Word
by Jack Schneider and Moses Rifkin (4/15/2005)

Selected Passages From the Bible: The King (Fred) Phelps Version
by Owen Morris (4/15/2005)

Things That Did Not Stay in Vegas
by Frayn Masters and Kevin Sampsell (4/9/2005)

Live-Action Role-Playing Spells I Could Really Use, Right Now
by Daniel Manning (4/9/2005)

What I Thought a Co-worker Meant When She Said “I Hope Things Don’t Get Weird” After We Had Sex, and What She Really Meant, It Turns Out
by Chris Wallace (4/6/2005)

Sex is Like Pizza Because…
by Mike Sacks and Ted Travelstead (4/6/2005)

Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations
by Martin Bell (4/6/2005)

Things You Will Still Be Able to Do After the Collapse of Society As We Know It, Provided Your Postapocalyptic Vision Aligns With Kevin Costner’s
by Joseph Faison (4/5/2005)

’80s Lineups That Read Like Tabloid Headlines
by Evany Thomas (4/5/2005)

Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Kickboxer, or the Belligerent Asshole Who Just Cost Me My Job at the Bar?
by Brett Burns (4/1/2005)

Ten Very Hip Poems That Didn’t Go Over So Well at the Poetry Slam Last Weekend
by Kevin Holiday (4/1/2005)

Sure Signs Your Vegan Co-op Has Been Taken Over by the Marx Brothers
by Claire Harlan-Orsi (4/1/2005)

Self-Delusional Statements Made by My First (And Hopefully Last) Ex-Fiancé
by Lynette Cain (3/30/2005)

Unspoken Afterthoughts to Childhood Catch Phrases
by Matthew Zils (3/30/2005)

Three Things I Learned While Using the Lavatory at Local Boston-Area Restaurants
by Jonathan Pickering (3/30/2005)

Failed Soft-Drink Product Names
by Rob Eccles (3/28/2005)

Example Sentences From A Chinese-English Dictionary (Revised Edition), Beijing: Foreign Languages Teaching and Research Press, 1997
by Phil Tinari (3/28/2005)

The Primary Series of Poses in Yoga for Depressives
by Carmen Nobel (3/28/2005)

Types of People and Things That Have Been Shot by Charles Bronson
by Seth Fried (3/28/2005)

Implausible Claims Made by Vanilla Ice in His 1990 No. 1 Hit “Ice Ice Baby.”
by Doug Erickson (3/25/2005)

Dance Moves the Man-Mountain Standing in Front of Me at Beastie Boys Last Night Amused Bystanders With and How One Might “Feel” If One Performed Them
by Marieke Hardy (3/25/2005)

Cinematic Expressions of Inner Self-Loathing If There Were No Mirrors to Smash
by Ross Murray (3/18/2005)

A List of Phrases, Common in Our Language, That Become Awkward in a Dimension of Unending Pain
by Aaron Esser-Kahn (3/18/2005)

Clocks Ranked According to the Ease With Which One Can Tell Time From Them (Easiest to Hardest)
by Allie Oestreich (3/15/2005)

Names That Could Possibly Pass as Cries of Passion If Accidentally Yelled During Sex With Anyone Not So Named
by Emily Lloyd (3/15/2005)

Seven Items Found in Hugh Hefner’s Overnight Bag
by Scott Leslie (3/14/2005)

Things You Don’t Expect to Find on a McDonald’s Reader-Board Menu
by Jonathan Shipley (3/4/2005)

Current Football Players If They Decided to Spell Their Last Name Like Brett Favre
by Jason DeLorenzo (3/4/2005)

Western States Maladies
by Jim Connelly (3/4/2005)

Adjectives Rarely Used by Wine Tasters
by Adam Koford (3/1/2005)

Thirteen Leading Synonyms for “Deliverables” in 2005
by Angela Genusa (3/1/2005)

Names Gas-Station Attendants Call Me That Leave Me Feeling Both Slightly Superior and Subtly Overwhelmed
by Rob Eccles (3/1/2005)

The Collected Apologies of Lawrence H. Summers, President of Harvard
by Laurence Hughes (2/25/2005)

Possible New Terms for the Old and Tired Term “Brainstorming.”
by Ed Davis (2/25/2005)

Terminology From a Veterinary Textbook and Potential Names for Hardcore Bands
by K. Thom and Steve Jacobek (2/25/2005)

Two Recipes
by Tim Carvell (2/25/2005)

Banned Books in the Year 2191
by Brendon Lloyd (2/23/2005)

Things That Paper Could Be Replaced With to Make Rock, Paper, Scissors More Believable
by Sam Means (2/18/2005)

Things You Don’t Expect to See on a Baby Shower Announcement
by Jonathan Shipley (2/18/2005)

Muppets That Didn’t Make It
by Scott Shemo (2/18/2005)

Ways Jesus Saves
by Aaron Burch, Christopher Monks, Elizabeth Ellen, Jensen Whelan, Laura Carney, Matthew Simmons, Melissa Bell, Pasha Malla and Steven Seighman (2/16/2005)

Extreme Ways to Break Your Arm
by Rick Stoeckel (2/16/2005)

Little-Known Song Titles That Answer Questions Posed in Better-Known Songs
by Jacob Sager Weinstein (2/16/2005)

Four Ways in Which My Life Is Just Like Pac-Man’s
by John Crownover (2/11/2005)

Revised Titles of Love Songs I Wrote About the Shitty Bookshelf I Purchased From Wal-Mart (in Chronological Order)
by George Wukoson (2/11/2005)

Ways in Which She Could Have Blinded Me With Science
by Jules Lipoff (2/11/2005)

Titles From the Hockey-Lockout Erotica Library
by Joe O'Neill (2/9/2005)

NFL Mascots That Could Not Actually Wear A Football Helmet Without Suffocating
by Sarah Walter (2/9/2005)

Last Lines From Best American Short Stories Not Yet Written
by Wayne Gladstone (2/6/2005)

Food and Drink Combinations That Would Make a Horrible Afterschool Snack but a Great Buddy Cop Team
by Lisa Seger (2/6/2005)

Airlines That Never Took Off
by Lindsay Kaplan (2/6/2005)

Necrophiliac Pickup Lines
by Mike DiCenzo (2/3/2005)

Alternate Captions for Seven Family Circus Cartoons
by Adam Eli Clem (2/3/2005)

New State Names Resulting From the Coming Wave of Mergers and Acquisitions
by Michael Ward (1/28/2005)

Imperatives From the Mail-Order Catalog “Collections, Inc.”
by Laura Ellis (1/26/2005)

Seldom-Seen Lunchbox Notes From Mothers
by Peter Cunniffe (1/26/2005)

Play-by-Play of Classic Sports Rivalries If the Team Names Actually Represented the Combatants. And Also, Instead of Playing the Sport, They’re Fighting to the Death
by Geoff Haggerty (1/26/2005)

Psychic Predictions From the Narcissistic Magic 8 Ball
by Danny Gallagher (1/26/2005)

Ten Things the Guy at Starbucks Is Thinking While Looking at the Brunette Barista Behind the Counter
by Jonathan Shipley (1/26/2005)

Famous Names Rewritten in a World Greatly Influenced by the Main Character of a 1982 Disney Movie
by Josh Kramer (1/24/2005)

Discarded Titles for George Orwell’s 1984
by Jez Burrows (1/24/2005)

Things I’d Probably Say If the Bush Administration Were Just a Weekly TV Show and I Were a Regular Viewer
by Eric Maierson (1/24/2005)

Amazon.com Customer Comments: Bible or Satanic Bible?
by Steven Seighman (1/19/2005)

Leaders of the Hip-Hop Nation
by Jason Feifer (1/19/2005)

Songs I Might Perform During a Cabaret Act Designed to Break Gently to My Mother That I Am a Crossdresser
by Melvyn Brown (1/14/2005)

Scratch-and-Sniff Books That Have Failed the Test of Time
by Koji Park (1/14/2005)

Actual Opening Lines Used on Me by Business-to-Business Telemarketers
by Eric Wrisley (1/14/2005)

Alternative Punishments for the Monkey, Seeing How Spanking is Cruel
by Rob Sears (1/7/2005)

Gentrification of Popular Rap Lyrics
by Cougar Moxley (1/7/2005)

“Before-and-After” Puzzles Deemed Unsuitable for Use by the Producers of Wheel of Fortune
by Steve Krodman (1/7/2005)

Ill-Fated Ideas Borne of a Hallmark Brainstorming Session
by Tim Cigelske (1/5/2005)

A List of Actual Quotes Taken From the Directions and Mission Statements of Organic Products Belonging to My Vegan Roommate
by Kate Brown (1/5/2005)

Two Bugs on Display at the Montreal Insectarium, the First of Which I Thought Very Impressive Until I Saw the Second
by Dan Guterman (1/5/2005)

Alternatives to “Opening a Can o’ Whupass” for the Less Confrontationally Inclined
by Ian Carey (12/21/2004)

Richard Rodgers’ Neighborhood
by Sam Thielman (12/21/2004)

Popular Songs Renamed Along the Lines of the Cattlemen’s Beef Board Ad Campaign “Beef, It’s What’s for Dinner.”
by Geoff Smith (12/21/2004)

Culinary Trends That Never Quite Caught On
by Chris Steck and Magaret Steck (12/21/2004)

Failed Comic Strips
by Adam Koford (12/21/2004)

Disingenuous Reasons for Band Names (’70s Edition)
by Ryan Boudinot (12/21/2004)

Rap Act or Gay-Rights Advocacy Group?
by Paul Grellong (12/17/2004)

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