Lists

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Send your list submissions to lists@mcsweeneys.net.

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Current Football Players If They Decided to Spell Their Last Name Like Brett Favre
by Jason DeLorenzo (3/4/2005)

Western States Maladies
by Jim Connelly (3/4/2005)

Adjectives Rarely Used by Wine Tasters
by Adam Koford (3/1/2005)

Thirteen Leading Synonyms for “Deliverables” in 2005
by Angela Genusa (3/1/2005)

Names Gas-Station Attendants Call Me That Leave Me Feeling Both Slightly Superior and Subtly Overwhelmed
by Rob Eccles (3/1/2005)

The Collected Apologies of Lawrence H. Summers, President of Harvard
by Laurence Hughes (2/25/2005)

Possible New Terms for the Old and Tired Term “Brainstorming.”
by Ed Davis (2/25/2005)

Terminology From a Veterinary Textbook and Potential Names for Hardcore Bands
by K. Thom and Steve Jacobek (2/25/2005)

Two Recipes
by Tim Carvell (2/25/2005)

Banned Books in the Year 2191
by Brendon Lloyd (2/23/2005)

Things That Paper Could Be Replaced With to Make Rock, Paper, Scissors More Believable
by Sam Means (2/18/2005)

Things You Don’t Expect to See on a Baby Shower Announcement
by Jonathan Shipley (2/18/2005)

Muppets That Didn’t Make It
by Scott Shemo (2/18/2005)

Ways Jesus Saves
by Aaron Burch, Christopher Monks, Elizabeth Ellen, Jensen Whelan, Laura Carney, Matthew Simmons, Melissa Bell, Pasha Malla and Steven Seighman (2/16/2005)

Extreme Ways to Break Your Arm
by Rick Stoeckel (2/16/2005)

Little-Known Song Titles That Answer Questions Posed in Better-Known Songs
by Jacob Sager Weinstein (2/16/2005)

Four Ways in Which My Life Is Just Like Pac-Man’s
by John Crownover (2/11/2005)

Revised Titles of Love Songs I Wrote About the Shitty Bookshelf I Purchased From Wal-Mart (in Chronological Order)
by George Wukoson (2/11/2005)

Ways in Which She Could Have Blinded Me With Science
by Jules Lipoff (2/11/2005)

Titles From the Hockey-Lockout Erotica Library
by Joe O'Neill (2/9/2005)

NFL Mascots That Could Not Actually Wear A Football Helmet Without Suffocating
by Sarah Walter (2/9/2005)

Last Lines From Best American Short Stories Not Yet Written
by Wayne Gladstone (2/6/2005)

Food and Drink Combinations That Would Make a Horrible Afterschool Snack but a Great Buddy Cop Team
by Lisa Seger (2/6/2005)

Airlines That Never Took Off
by Lindsay Kaplan (2/6/2005)

Necrophiliac Pickup Lines
by Mike DiCenzo (2/3/2005)

Alternate Captions for Seven Family Circus Cartoons
by Adam Eli Clem (2/3/2005)

New State Names Resulting From the Coming Wave of Mergers and Acquisitions
by Michael Ward (1/28/2005)

Imperatives From the Mail-Order Catalog “Collections, Inc.”
by Laura Ellis (1/26/2005)

Seldom-Seen Lunchbox Notes From Mothers
by Peter Cunniffe (1/26/2005)

Play-by-Play of Classic Sports Rivalries If the Team Names Actually Represented the Combatants. And Also, Instead of Playing the Sport, They’re Fighting to the Death
by Geoff Haggerty (1/26/2005)

Psychic Predictions From the Narcissistic Magic 8 Ball
by Danny Gallagher (1/26/2005)

Ten Things the Guy at Starbucks Is Thinking While Looking at the Brunette Barista Behind the Counter
by Jonathan Shipley (1/26/2005)

Famous Names Rewritten in a World Greatly Influenced by the Main Character of a 1982 Disney Movie
by Josh Kramer (1/24/2005)

Discarded Titles for George Orwell’s 1984
by Jez Burrows (1/24/2005)

Things I’d Probably Say If the Bush Administration Were Just a Weekly TV Show and I Were a Regular Viewer
by Eric Maierson (1/24/2005)

Amazon.com Customer Comments: Bible or Satanic Bible?
by Steven Seighman (1/19/2005)

Leaders of the Hip-Hop Nation
by Jason Feifer (1/19/2005)

Songs I Might Perform During a Cabaret Act Designed to Break Gently to My Mother That I Am a Crossdresser
by Melvyn Brown (1/14/2005)

Scratch-and-Sniff Books That Have Failed the Test of Time
by Koji Park (1/14/2005)

Actual Opening Lines Used on Me by Business-to-Business Telemarketers
by Eric Wrisley (1/14/2005)

Alternative Punishments for the Monkey, Seeing How Spanking is Cruel
by Rob Sears (1/7/2005)

Gentrification of Popular Rap Lyrics
by Cougar Moxley (1/7/2005)

“Before-and-After” Puzzles Deemed Unsuitable for Use by the Producers of Wheel of Fortune
by Steve Krodman (1/7/2005)

Ill-Fated Ideas Borne of a Hallmark Brainstorming Session
by Tim Cigelske (1/5/2005)

A List of Actual Quotes Taken From the Directions and Mission Statements of Organic Products Belonging to My Vegan Roommate
by Kate Brown (1/5/2005)

Two Bugs on Display at the Montreal Insectarium, the First of Which I Thought Very Impressive Until I Saw the Second
by Dan Guterman (1/5/2005)

Alternatives to “Opening a Can o’ Whupass” for the Less Confrontationally Inclined
by Ian Carey (12/21/2004)

Richard Rodgers’ Neighborhood
by Sam Thielman (12/21/2004)

Popular Songs Renamed Along the Lines of the Cattlemen’s Beef Board Ad Campaign “Beef, It’s What’s for Dinner.”
by Geoff Smith (12/21/2004)

Culinary Trends That Never Quite Caught On
by Chris Steck and Magaret Steck (12/21/2004)

Failed Comic Strips
by Adam Koford (12/21/2004)

Disingenuous Reasons for Band Names (’70s Edition)
by Ryan Boudinot (12/21/2004)

Rap Act or Gay-Rights Advocacy Group?
by Paul Grellong (12/17/2004)

By Paul Grellong (12/17/04) Excerpts From 2004 Summer-Movie Reviews That Also Describe Tom Morello’s Guitar Work on the Debut Rage Against the Machine Album
by Lucas Stangl (12/17/2004)

Names of University of Oklahoma Football Players, Past and Present, That Sound Like Characters From Dr. Strangelove
by Wampus Reynolds (12/16/2004)

Guide to Determine If You Are in a Jerry Bruckheimer Movie
by Peter W. Suderman (12/14/2004)

Now Playing at the Zombietown 12-Screen Cineplex
by John Moe (12/14/2004)

Your Seat Cushion Doubles as a Personal Flotation Device in the Event of a Water Landing, but Other Airplane Items May Be Useful as Well
by Tracy Moller (12/14/2004)

Films That May Be More Interesting With a Letter or Two Missing
by Steve Finbow (12/14/2004)

TV Catch Phrases That Weren’t
by Richard Long (12/7/2004)

Non-Recommended Questions for Your Five-Minute Speed Date
by Jim Stallard (12/6/2004)

New Slogans for America to Use to Sell Itself to the Islamic World
by Rob Bates (12/6/2004)

Things Arlen Specter Could Do in Order to Secure the Chairmanship of the Senate Judicial Committee (In Ascending Order of Effectiveness)
by Austin Sidley (12/6/2004)

Deflation/Inflation
by Michelle McKenzie (12/1/2004)

Mildly Upsetting Fortune-Cookie Messages
by Sloan Schang (12/1/2004)

56 Uncommon Baby Names for Boys, Culled From the Index of Volume 3 of Master of the Senate, Robert Caro’s Biography of Lyndon Johnson
by Andrew Cohen (11/18/2004)

I Lack the Physical Ability to Be in the NFL but I More Than Make Up for It With My Innovation in the Area of Touchdown Celebrations
by Peter Haas (11/18/2004)

Words to Know When Listening to German Industrial Music
by Asa Pillsbury (11/18/2004)

Signs Your Doctor May Be Coming On to You
by Wendy Molyneux (11/17/2004)

Why the Lone Ranger Gave Up His Cell Phone
by Greg Howard (11/12/2004)

Why Hollywood Hates the Metric System
by David Cristofano (11/12/2004)

Other Things Donna Summer Might Have Been Seeking When Singing “Hot Stuff.”
by Peter Cunniffe (11/10/2004)

Cruel Nicknames for Overweight Vampires
by Amy Cassner-Sems, Cal Clinchard, Marty Sems and Nathan Chandler (11/10/2004)

Rappers I Thought Were Asian
by Sujan Hong (11/10/2004)

Action Verbs to Use Sparingly on Résumés
by Dave Ash (11/5/2004)

Sentences Containing Surfing Terms That May Be Uttered After Drinking Coffee on an Empty Stomach
by Michelle McKenzie (11/5/2004)

General Broadcasting Standards Concerning Upper-Torso Nudity
by Dayvid Figler (11/5/2004)

What Not to Be in the Middle of When the Earthquake Comes
by Charlie Hopper (11/2/2004)

First Names of Women Who Probably Shouldn’t Marry Me, Given My Surname
by Kevin M. Hyde (11/2/2004)

Candidates Running in the 2004 General Election Whose Names Feature Food or Drink
by JC Bellringer (11/1/2004)

Campaign-Trail Quotes From George W. Bush, If He Were Running for President in 1848
by Sean Keane (11/1/2004)

Rejected Names for Smokeless Tobacco Products
by Jen Bingham (10/22/2004)

Versions of Well-Known Films in Which the Protagonist Has Been Replaced With Leon Trotsky
by Erick Peterson (10/22/2004)

Dissertation Titles That Suggest the Author Was Preoccupied With Other Issues at the Time of Writing
by Zhubin Parang (10/20/2004)

Inappropriate “Do It” Slogans
by Jeremy Martin (10/20/2004)

Recent Occurrences at Owl Creek Bridge
by Lucas Klauss (10/20/2004)

The Search Continues: Places Where O.J. Simpson Has Not Found the Killer
by Dan Kennedy (10/20/2004)

Bands and Musicians Whose Careers Would Be Quite Different Had They Initially Misspelled Their Own Names
by Chuck Whittington (10/20/2004)

Prince Song or Inspirational Signage Outside Byron United Covenant Church?
by Michelle Orange (10/15/2004)

Names of Cheeses Inspired by Star Wars Characters
by Steve Krodman (10/15/2004)

Republican Dozens
by David Jasper (10/12/2004)

Titles of Hardy Boys Books in Which the Villain Could Have Turned Out to Be George W. Bush
by Martin Bell (10/12/2004)

Nine Lessons Learned From Baseball on the Radio
by Joe Lavin (10/12/2004)

Early Incarnations of Fat Joe’s Instructional Dance Hit “Lean Back.”
by Lincoln Michel (10/8/2004)

Contenders Who Vied With Thunder From Down Under to Be the Featured All-Male Revue at Las Vegas’s Excalibur Casino
by Nancy Callahan (10/8/2004)

What a Difference a Year Makes
by Nav Purewal (10/5/2004)

Alternative Names for MoveOn.org
by Lukas Kaiser (10/5/2004)

Moons That Orbit Distant Planets or Female Birth Control Brand Names?
by Danny Gallagher (10/5/2004)

Some Possibilities in a Half-Hearted Campaign to Rename the Middle West
by Frank Bures (10/1/2004)

Really Boring Books for Children
by Melissa Bell (10/1/2004)

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