Lists

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Send your list submissions to lists@mcsweeneys.net.

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Prescription Drug or Metal Band?
by Eryk Salvaggio (11/1/2006)

Self-Help Books for Hipsters
by Jennifer Dziura (11/1/2006)

Reasons I Disagree With the Premise of the Song “A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes.”
by Chris Hughes (10/27/2006)

Taboos Never Mentioned at Meetings of the Jane Austen Society
by Chuck Strangward (10/27/2006)

Daydreams I’ve Had About a Giant Hand and One About a Man With an Elongated Arm
by Anthony Messina (10/20/2006)

Titles Still Available for Taut, Fast-Paced Legal Thrillers
by Lars Ostrom (10/20/2006)

Rejected Names for Nerds Candy
by Hannah Schaefer (10/20/2006)

Creationist Astronomers Polled Regarding Pluto’s Status
by David Harnden-Warwick (10/12/2006)

Jewish Holidays for Hipsters
by Michael Schulman (10/12/2006)

Wikipedia Articles Longer Than “Spain.”
by James Hannaway and Thomas Beckwith (10/12/2006)

Signs Your Unicorn is Cheating On You
by Christopher Monks (10/9/2006)

Probable Sequels to Breakin’ (1984) and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)
by Whitey Eckerson (10/6/2006)

The Endings of 10 Famous Novels You Always Meant to Read but Never Got Around To
by Salom Teshale (10/6/2006)

They Might Be Giants, They Might Not—Who Knows?
by Jeffery S. Taylor (10/6/2006)

What Critics and Writers Are Saying About My New Book of Poetry, The Doberman Plot
by Sebastian Bitticks (9/28/2006)

Horror Movie Titles on a Three-Letter Budget (and Subsequent Blurbs)
by Kirk Nelson (9/28/2006)

Poets’ Pet Names for Their Privates
by Adam Wasson (9/28/2006)

Things You and the Cap’n Can Make Happen
by Sara Afshar (9/21/2006)

St. James Parish Sewing Club Members Whose First Names Sound Like Programming Languages
by Nick Leggin (9/21/2006)

HAL’s Comments While Trapped on a Desert Island, and Your Name Is Dave
by Joyce Hughes and Miranda Burgess (9/15/2006)

Characters From the G.I. Joe Civil War Collection
by Keith Staskiewicz (9/15/2006)

Better Names for Rhode Island
by Dennis Jordan (9/15/2006)

World Leader Fonts
by Michael Meilan (9/7/2006)

For the Coming Post-Chocolate-Milk Paradigm: Other Drinks That Can Be Made by Just Adding Chocolate Syrup
by Matthew Webster (9/7/2006)

Ikea Product or Lord of the Rings Character?
by Caley Feldman (9/7/2006)

Suggested New Names for “Curry in a Hurry” After Last Saturday’s Dining Experience
by Ryan Paxton (8/30/2006)

Physical Characteristics I Wished My Boyfriend Possessed During Last Night’s Power Outage
by Kristie McClanahan (8/30/2006)

Original Title Suggestions by J.D. Salinger’s Publisher That Could Have Been Deleterious to the Success of His Magnum Opus
by Eric Feezell (8/30/2006)

Biblical Horror Movies
by Jonathan Shipley (8/25/2006)

Lesser-Known Joe Jacksons
by Eli Musser (8/25/2006)

Ways in Which Spider-Man Does Not “Do Whatever a Spider Can.”
by Jon Mitchell (8/17/2006)

Toddler T-Shirt Slogans
by Darryl Berger (8/17/2006)

Chapter Titles for Rachel Carson’s 1962 Book Silent Spring That Were Rejected for Being Too Alarmist
by Caredwen Foley (8/17/2006)

Philip K. Dick’s Lost Submissions to Better Homes and Gardens
by Matthew Hunziker (8/9/2006)

Small Businesses Poorly Named After Classic Literature
by M. Trevor Higgins (8/9/2006)

Alternatives, Should You Not Like Pina Coladas and Getting Caught in the Rain
by Leighton Stevenson (8/9/2006)

Upcoming Amazing Stunts by Magician David Blaine
by Jonathan Shipley (8/4/2006)

Some of Dan Brown’s Works in Progress
by Vince Licata (8/4/2006)

What the “It” Refers to in Gatorade’s “Is It in You?” Campaign
by Stan W. Kost (8/4/2006)

Strange Compliments I’ve Received Because I’m Not Very Attractive
by Kate Sullivan (7/27/2006)

Five Things Rick Astley Is Never Gonna Do
by Travis Nicholson (7/27/2006)

Failed NASA Space Programs
by Jonathan Shipley (7/19/2006)

Shows I Pitched VH1
by Brian Beatty (7/19/2006)

Groups Shocked at the Revelation That Judas May Have Been Jesus’ Most Loyal Disciple
by James Yeh (7/19/2006)

Some Entirely Realistic Suggestions Following the Failures of the Quixotic “War on Drugs” and “War on Terror.”
by Andrew Meek and James Murray (7/13/2006)

Bullet Points Written on a Conference Room Easel, Left Over From a Meeting at Which I Wish I Had Been Present
by Ryan Hebert (7/13/2006)

Board Games Inspired by the Bush Administration
by Eric Feezell (7/7/2006)

Hoover Dam Fast-Fact Pamphlet If Hoover Dam Were a Scale Model Made of Legos
by Orr Goehring (7/7/2006)

Actual Month-by-Month Headlines From the Past Year of the Gmail Sidebar Advertisements That Google Determined Were Relevant to My Life by Matching Them to Keywords in My E-Mails
by William Callahan (7/7/2006)

Avian Maladies Commonly Misdiagnosed as Bird Flu
by Curt Lund (6/20/2006)

Transformers No One Bought
by Henry S. Kivett (6/20/2006)

Disneyland Rides If Disney Were Bought Out by the Campbell Soup Company
by Jonathan Shipley (6/20/2006)

Plot Synopses for Episodes of a Gilligan’s Island Remake Starring Members of the Bush Administration
by Peter Norvig (6/15/2006)

That’s So Raven
by Martin Bell (6/15/2006)

People Who Know My Sins
by Bob Evans (6/15/2006)

If Anchorage, Alaska, Had Been Named by Someone Less Upbeat About Life at Sea
by Mike Richardson-Bryan (6/7/2006)

Apparent Passions of My Upstairs Neighbors
by Glenn Lingle (6/7/2006)

Oscar Picks for Best Actor, 2025
by Haden Polseno-Hensley (6/7/2006)

Roller-Derby Pseudonyms for Literature Majors
by J. Steven Davis and Katherine J. Hannon (6/1/2006)

What People Were Saying About Me at the Party I Had to Miss Because I Was on a Flight Home From Chicago
by Shauna McKenna (6/1/2006)

Comeback T-Shirts for “I’m With Stupid” T-Shirts
by Marc Tyler Nobleman (6/1/2006)

Reasons Not to Fear the Reaper
by Richie Kulchar (5/24/2006)

Possible Marketing Gimmicks That Took the NBA From “Earn 3 A’s and Get FREE Tickets” to “Guns for Tickets” in Only 20 Years
by Katie Sweeney (5/24/2006)

Mobile-Phone Models That Improve Upon the RAZR, SLVR, and PEBL
by Jeremy Todd and Katherine Thompson (5/24/2006)

Where I Would Look for Hungry, Hungry Hippos
by Andrew Hoyt (5/18/2006)

Popular Musicians If England Had Won the Revolutionary War
by S.F. Purschwitz (5/15/2006)

Habits That Are Harder to Break Than Peter Cetera’s Ex-Girlfriend
by Douglas Edwards (5/11/2006)

Good Advice From a Grand Theft Auto Dating FAQ
by David Abrams (5/11/2006)

Signs That America May Be Having a Love Affair With the Automobile
by Darren Addy (5/11/2006)

Possible Names for a Child Conceived by an Almond Fanatic and a Lover of the Movie Young Guns
by Eric Feezell (5/11/2006)

Unpublished Sequels to Famous Science-Fiction Novels
by Steve Rushmore (5/5/2006)

Song Ideas for My Next Album
by Brian Geary (5/5/2006)

Complete List of Creatures in a Land Called Honah Lee
by David Litt (4/26/2006)

Unfortunate Ballpark Promotions
by Chris Steck (4/26/2006)

Diseases I’m Glad Aren’t Sexually Transmitted
by Scott Domansky (4/26/2006)

Inefficient Units of Currency
by Joseph Streckert (4/20/2006)

What God Does in Her Spare Time
by Allison Kilkenny and Jamie Kilstein (4/20/2006)

Rats’ Asses Given
by Matthew Baldwin (4/20/2006)

Rejected Marketing Slogans for National Poetry Month
by Emily Lloyd (4/18/2006)

The Future of Paper Plates
by Mark R. Mandel (4/14/2006)

Common Enemies of the Paperboy, According to the Nintendo Game of the Same Name
by Maggie Utgoff (4/14/2006)

Common Phrases Not Written in My High-School Yearbook, for a Multitude of Reasons
by Colleen Doyle (4/14/2006)

Titles of Songs I Could Credibly Write If I Became a Rap Star
by Greg Howard (4/7/2006)

Medical Maladies Less Well Known Than Lou Gehrig’s Disease That Are Also Named After Athletes
by Scott Putnicki (4/7/2006)

Sleeper Asbestos-Containing Products the Discovery of Whose Fatal Fiber Emissions Would Trigger Mass Panic
by Laura Mellis (3/24/2006)

Natural Rock Features Named by an Overwrought Mother Hired by the National Park Service
by John Strodtman (3/24/2006)

Frank McCourt’s American History Class: Course Syllabus
by Derrick Martin (3/20/2006)

Perks No Longer Allowed to Congress Under the New Proposed Ethics Code
by Thomas Hynes (3/20/2006)

Reasons I Stand by My Decision to Pick Seton Hall to Make the Final Four of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament Despite Their 20-Point Loss to Wichita State in the First Round
by Chris Song (3/20/2006)

Other Names Sting Could Go By, as Suggested by My Thesaurus
by Collin Joyce (3/20/2006)

Hit Songs of the 1970s and ’80s If the South Had Won the Civil War
by Matt Vella (3/15/2006)

Possible Reasons My Short Stories Are So Poorly Reviewed by the Other Members of My Writers’ Workshop
by Jared Young (3/15/2006)

Linebackers Who Are Twice as Good as Mike Singletary
by Chris Morgan (3/15/2006)

Things I Might Be Convinced to Give My Left Arm For
by Gibson Holub (3/8/2006)

Reasons the Little Teapot Was Picked On in High School
by Taylor Dearr (3/8/2006)

Things I Could Have Said When the Strap on My Israeli Paratrooper Bag Broke If I’d Known the Outcome of Whichever War It Was Used In
by Greg Boose (3/8/2006)

Sample Emoticons for e-Kicking Someone in the e-Balls
by Barbara DeCesare (3/6/2006)

What the People Who Used to Live in My House Apparently Said to Each Other Before Selling It to Me
by Jessy Randall (3/3/2006)

Victoria’s Secret
by Megan Amram (3/3/2006)

Things That Are Beyond the Pale
by Matthew Warren (3/3/2006)

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