A McSweeney’s Kickstarter Testimonial

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“It was May, 1999 or so, give or take a year, and I had hit the road, tired of working for the ‘man.’ I was thumbing rides, and hopping boxcars or ‘shuffling squaretops’ (hobo slang). I was a loner, didn’t want or need another’s company. I was tired, strung out. I’d been working 80-hour weeks writing copy for a hot new product called ‘the Internet.’ One night I was holed up in a tree outside of Phoenix and from my perch I could see a young punk fussing with a rusty bicycle outside of the public library. I yelled down, ‘Hey, man! Don’t ya got no sense?’ and he scattered like he’d heard a ghost. I got to thinking bout that library down there and fell asleep dreaming of the possibilities. In the morning I crawled over to the entrance like a baby on a trail of crumbs. A kind lady let me in early and I got the first seat in front of their brand new computer. I logged onto the devil himself, wondering if I’d regret it, but then to my surprise I found me a little site called ‘McSweeney’s.’ It was a gateway, man. Finally the devil had redeemed himself. It was as if Saint Peter had popped his head out and said, ‘Hey, ‘bo, life can be a breeze if you let it, ya know?’ I made an about face, and now I run a chain of carpet shops in the Midwest. All thanks to McSweeney’s. So please support their Kickstarter.”
— Ted Travelstead, actor, writer, longtime Tendency contributor, and 41st ranked carpet salesperson in the Midwest

Visit our Kickstarter page to pledge your support.

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Lists

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Send your list submissions to lists@mcsweeneys.net.

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Upcoming and Much-Needed Thomas Frank Titles
by Kevin Shay (5/26/2005)

Reasons I Don’t Feel Like I’m Family When at the Olive Garden
by Matthew Rorem (5/20/2005)

Things That Are Just Barely Thicker Than Peter Gallagher’s Eyebrows
by Morgan Day Frank (5/20/2005)

Pickup Lines Used by Mario
by Christopher Doody (5/20/2005)

Embarrassing Things That Might Happen to You While Using a Lightsaber
by Patrick Cassels (5/18/2005)

Ways in Which Free to Be You and Me Damaged My Future Relationships With Women
by Roy Futterman (5/17/2005)

Folk Instruments or B-Movie Monsters Fought by Gamera?
by John Holowach Jr. (5/17/2005)

Soup Blurbs
by Travis Cloud (5/17/2005)

Movies Russ Meyer Could Have Produced to Make a Government’s Budget Process Appear More Exciting
by Matt Arnold (5/13/2005)

Jobs Mickey Goldmill Got Fired From Before Becoming Rocky Balboa’s Beloved Coach
by Jonathan Shipley (5/13/2005)

Tools or Actions in Photoshop That, Were They Applicable to Real Life, Would Prove Useful at Various Stages of a Relationship
by Michael Lascarides (5/13/2005)

Popular Singers Inspired by Fats Domino and Chubby Checker
by Dan Guterman (5/12/2005)

Fun Facts About Chinese President Hu Jintao, as Conveyed by American Culture
by Michael Ward (5/12/2005)

Things Heard During John Cage’s Folsom Prison Performance of “4’33”."
by Aaron Burch, Christopher Monks, Elizabeth Ellen, Jensen Whelan, Jim Ruland, Matthew Simmons, Melissa Bell, Pasha Malla and Steven Seighman (5/12/2005)

Comments Overheard at a Brainstorming Meeting Between Ted Nugent and the Editors of Gourmet Magazine Where They Were Discussing the Upcoming Book Gourmet Magazine’s Vegan Cooking With Ted Nugent
by Aaron Starmer (5/11/2005)

Three Items at the Supermarket I See in a New Way, Now That I’ve Read Some Books on Literary Theory
by Matthew Simmons (5/10/2005)

Song Titles, Before Editing for Language Efficiency and Clarity
by Jack Schneider, Moses Rifkin and Paul Sacchetti (5/10/2005)

Selections From the Beatles’ Catalog, Had the Band Evolved Not Toward the Adoption of a More Experimental Sound in Its Later Years, but Into Rorqual Whales
by Eric March (5/6/2005)

From the Prog Rock Ice Cream Shoppe: Flavors Inspired by a Certain Canadian Power Trio
by Matt Bull (5/6/2005)

New Radiohead Material to Be Debuted at a Benefit Show to Protest Privatization of the Postal Sector
by Jez Burrows and Michael Jenkins (5/6/2005)

Things I Cannot Say to My Unpaid Interns As It Would Make Me Look Like an Ungrateful Bitch
by Amy Adoyzie (5/4/2005)

Things I Imagine My Boss Does When He Goes Home for the Night
by Nick Pyle (5/4/2005)

Last Names Clearly Derived From Ancestral Professions
by Sam Means (5/3/2005)

The Settings That Would Be On a Blender Today If the Blender Had Been Invented, Say, 100 Years Before Its Actual Invention Date of 1922
by Steve Schneider (5/2/2005)

Reasons We Can’t Have a Baby, Honey
by Geoff Smith (4/29/2005)

Titles of Sermons to Which Congregants Might Actually Pay Attention
by Jason Kellett (4/29/2005)

Good Casino Ads / Bad Things for Someone to Say About Your Mom
by Molly Dolan (4/29/2005)

Translated Thoughts and Questions That Are Running Through a North Korean Refugee’s Mind When He Is Awarded Political Asylum in the United States, Settles Down, Turns on the Television, and the First Thing He Sees Is a Fancy Feast Cat-Food Commercial
by David Aldridge (4/26/2005)

Actual Ways I Have Been Flirted With That, in the Future, I Wish You Would Refrain From, With Explanations as to Why, and Suggestions for Alternative Methods
by Aimee Hennessy (4/22/2005)

Things This City Was Built On, Besides Rock ‘n’ Roll
by Eric March (4/22/2005)

Fortune-Cookie Sayings That Are Misleading and, At Times, Dangerous When Used as Road Signs
by Justin Kahn (4/22/2005)

Kanye West’s Lyric “The Way School Need Teachers / The Way Kathie Lee Needed Regis / That’s the Way I Need Jesus,” Adapted for Other Religions
by Martin Bell (4/20/2005)

Reasons to Fear Canada
by Sean Carman (4/20/2005)

The Next Thing Said After Select Famous Phrases
by Marc Tyler Nobleman (4/20/2005)

Chapter Headings on the Directions for IRS Form 1040 That Will Become the Titles of Best-Selling Thrillers by John Grisham, C.P.A
by Eric Silver (4/15/2005)

Sentences That, If Used by Judges in a Spelling Bee, Would Prove Totally Unhelpful to Contestants Attempting to Derive the Meaning of the Word
by Jack Schneider and Moses Rifkin (4/15/2005)

Selected Passages From the Bible: The King (Fred) Phelps Version
by Owen Morris (4/15/2005)

Things That Did Not Stay in Vegas
by Frayn Masters and Kevin Sampsell (4/9/2005)

Live-Action Role-Playing Spells I Could Really Use, Right Now
by Daniel Manning (4/9/2005)

What I Thought a Co-worker Meant When She Said “I Hope Things Don’t Get Weird” After We Had Sex, and What She Really Meant, It Turns Out
by Chris Wallace (4/6/2005)

Sex is Like Pizza Because…
by Mike Sacks and Ted Travelstead (4/6/2005)

Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations
by Martin Bell (4/6/2005)

Things You Will Still Be Able to Do After the Collapse of Society As We Know It, Provided Your Postapocalyptic Vision Aligns With Kevin Costner’s
by Joseph Faison (4/5/2005)

’80s Lineups That Read Like Tabloid Headlines
by Evany Thomas (4/5/2005)

Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Kickboxer, or the Belligerent Asshole Who Just Cost Me My Job at the Bar?
by Brett Burns (4/1/2005)

Ten Very Hip Poems That Didn’t Go Over So Well at the Poetry Slam Last Weekend
by Kevin Holiday (4/1/2005)

Sure Signs Your Vegan Co-op Has Been Taken Over by the Marx Brothers
by Claire Harlan-Orsi (4/1/2005)

Self-Delusional Statements Made by My First (And Hopefully Last) Ex-Fiancé
by Lynette Cain (3/30/2005)

Unspoken Afterthoughts to Childhood Catch Phrases
by Matthew Zils (3/30/2005)

Three Things I Learned While Using the Lavatory at Local Boston-Area Restaurants
by Jonathan Pickering (3/30/2005)

Failed Soft-Drink Product Names
by Rob Eccles (3/28/2005)

Example Sentences From A Chinese-English Dictionary (Revised Edition), Beijing: Foreign Languages Teaching and Research Press, 1997
by Phil Tinari (3/28/2005)

The Primary Series of Poses in Yoga for Depressives
by Carmen Nobel (3/28/2005)

Types of People and Things That Have Been Shot by Charles Bronson
by Seth Fried (3/28/2005)

Implausible Claims Made by Vanilla Ice in His 1990 No. 1 Hit “Ice Ice Baby.”
by Doug Erickson (3/25/2005)

Dance Moves the Man-Mountain Standing in Front of Me at Beastie Boys Last Night Amused Bystanders With and How One Might “Feel” If One Performed Them
by Marieke Hardy (3/25/2005)

Cinematic Expressions of Inner Self-Loathing If There Were No Mirrors to Smash
by Ross Murray (3/18/2005)

A List of Phrases, Common in Our Language, That Become Awkward in a Dimension of Unending Pain
by Aaron Esser-Kahn (3/18/2005)

Clocks Ranked According to the Ease With Which One Can Tell Time From Them (Easiest to Hardest)
by Allie Oestreich (3/15/2005)

Names That Could Possibly Pass as Cries of Passion If Accidentally Yelled During Sex With Anyone Not So Named
by Emily Lloyd (3/15/2005)

Seven Items Found in Hugh Hefner’s Overnight Bag
by Scott Leslie (3/14/2005)

Things You Don’t Expect to Find on a McDonald’s Reader-Board Menu
by Jonathan Shipley (3/4/2005)

Current Football Players If They Decided to Spell Their Last Name Like Brett Favre
by Jason DeLorenzo (3/4/2005)

Western States Maladies
by Jim Connelly (3/4/2005)

Adjectives Rarely Used by Wine Tasters
by Adam Koford (3/1/2005)

Thirteen Leading Synonyms for “Deliverables” in 2005
by Angela Genusa (3/1/2005)

Names Gas-Station Attendants Call Me That Leave Me Feeling Both Slightly Superior and Subtly Overwhelmed
by Rob Eccles (3/1/2005)

The Collected Apologies of Lawrence H. Summers, President of Harvard
by Laurence Hughes (2/25/2005)

Possible New Terms for the Old and Tired Term “Brainstorming.”
by Ed Davis (2/25/2005)

Terminology From a Veterinary Textbook and Potential Names for Hardcore Bands
by K. Thom and Steve Jacobek (2/25/2005)

Two Recipes
by Tim Carvell (2/25/2005)

Banned Books in the Year 2191
by Brendon Lloyd (2/23/2005)

Things That Paper Could Be Replaced With to Make Rock, Paper, Scissors More Believable
by Sam Means (2/18/2005)

Things You Don’t Expect to See on a Baby Shower Announcement
by Jonathan Shipley (2/18/2005)

Muppets That Didn’t Make It
by Scott Shemo (2/18/2005)

Ways Jesus Saves
by Aaron Burch, Christopher Monks, Elizabeth Ellen, Jensen Whelan, Laura Carney, Matthew Simmons, Melissa Bell, Pasha Malla and Steven Seighman (2/16/2005)

Extreme Ways to Break Your Arm
by Rick Stoeckel (2/16/2005)

Little-Known Song Titles That Answer Questions Posed in Better-Known Songs
by Jacob Sager Weinstein (2/16/2005)

Four Ways in Which My Life Is Just Like Pac-Man’s
by John Crownover (2/11/2005)

Revised Titles of Love Songs I Wrote About the Shitty Bookshelf I Purchased From Wal-Mart (in Chronological Order)
by George Wukoson (2/11/2005)

Ways in Which She Could Have Blinded Me With Science
by Jules Lipoff (2/11/2005)

Titles From the Hockey-Lockout Erotica Library
by Joe O'Neill (2/9/2005)

NFL Mascots That Could Not Actually Wear A Football Helmet Without Suffocating
by Sarah Walter (2/9/2005)

Last Lines From Best American Short Stories Not Yet Written
by Wayne Gladstone (2/6/2005)

Food and Drink Combinations That Would Make a Horrible Afterschool Snack but a Great Buddy Cop Team
by Lisa Seger (2/6/2005)

Airlines That Never Took Off
by Lindsay Kaplan (2/6/2005)

Necrophiliac Pickup Lines
by Mike DiCenzo (2/3/2005)

Alternate Captions for Seven Family Circus Cartoons
by Adam Eli Clem (2/3/2005)

New State Names Resulting From the Coming Wave of Mergers and Acquisitions
by Michael Ward (1/28/2005)

Imperatives From the Mail-Order Catalog “Collections, Inc.”
by Laura Ellis (1/26/2005)

Seldom-Seen Lunchbox Notes From Mothers
by Peter Cunniffe (1/26/2005)

Play-by-Play of Classic Sports Rivalries If the Team Names Actually Represented the Combatants. And Also, Instead of Playing the Sport, They’re Fighting to the Death
by Geoff Haggerty (1/26/2005)

Psychic Predictions From the Narcissistic Magic 8 Ball
by Danny Gallagher (1/26/2005)

Ten Things the Guy at Starbucks Is Thinking While Looking at the Brunette Barista Behind the Counter
by Jonathan Shipley (1/26/2005)

Famous Names Rewritten in a World Greatly Influenced by the Main Character of a 1982 Disney Movie
by Josh Kramer (1/24/2005)

Discarded Titles for George Orwell’s 1984
by Jez Burrows (1/24/2005)

Things I’d Probably Say If the Bush Administration Were Just a Weekly TV Show and I Were a Regular Viewer
by Eric Maierson (1/24/2005)

Amazon.com Customer Comments: Bible or Satanic Bible?
by Steven Seighman (1/19/2005)

Leaders of the Hip-Hop Nation
by Jason Feifer (1/19/2005)

Songs I Might Perform During a Cabaret Act Designed to Break Gently to My Mother That I Am a Crossdresser
by Melvyn Brown (1/14/2005)

McSweeney’s is a publishing company based in San Francisco.
As well as operating a daily humor website, we also publish Timothy McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, the Believer, and an ever-growing selection of books under various imprints. You can buy all of these things from our online store. We’re also transitioning to a nonprofit and would greatly appreciate your help. You can support us today by donating to our Kickstarter campaign.