TODAY’S
FEATURE

Fetal Tenant/Landlord AgreementNew
by Ali Solomon

RECENTLY

Conquer Your Day With the Power of Breakfast!New
by Curtis Retherford

If You Take My Survey, I’ll Let You Watch Me Cut My Finger OffNew
by Eric Ekholm

Here’s the Winner of Our Haggis-On-Whey Contest!New
by McSweeney's Books

My Life Has No Meaning, But Have You Tried the New Toaster?New
by Madeleine Trebenski

STEM for Dogs
by Eric Schulmiller

RE: Your Identity
by Molly Roth

Are You Sure There Isn’t Something Else I Can Do Before the End of the School Year?
by Kimberly Harrington

This Summer, We’re Renaming Our Tampons “America”!
by Kendra Eash

Murder Beach is Open for Summer!
by Matt Bower

We’re Looking for Writers to Create Internet Content!
by Wayne Gladstone

COLUMNS

ListsUpdated

Reviews of New FoodUpdated

My Own Private Shock CorridorUpdated

Interviews With People Who Have Interesting or Unusual JobsUpdated

Key Ring ChroniclesUpdated

How to Be a Better Teacher-Person Through Apathy

I Don’t Have This Job

Short Imagined Monologues

Teddy Wayne’s Unpopular Proverbs

Inside Witnesses: One Crime’s Many Narratives

Listicles for People Exactly Like You

Women Who Should Be Pretty Pissed Off

Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond

Rebunking Conspiracy Theories

Mostly Uninformative Infographics

ALL COLUMNS

ALSO NEW

List: How to Properly Dispose of Your Light BulbsNew
by Jeff Loveness

Reviews of New FoodNew
by Various New Food Tasters

My Own Private Shock Corridor: Whistling in the Dark, Part 1New
by Bob Schneider

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POPULAR

List: Things the World’s Most and Least Privileged People Say
by John-Clark Levin

List: Obituaries for Teenage Girls If They Actually Died When They Say They’re Dying
by Karen Chee

List: What Your Favorite ’80s Band Says About You
by John Peck

Are You Sure There Isn’t Something Else I Can Do Before the End of the School Year?
by Kimberly Harrington

List: Mathematical Word Problems for Introverts
by Eric K. Auld

New denotes newish content, Updated indicates a recent update.

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As well as operating a daily humor website, we also publish Timothy McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, the Believer, and an ever-growing selection of books under various imprints. You can buy all of these things from our online store. We’re also transitioning to a nonprofit and would greatly appreciate your help. You can support us today by making a donation.