1. High chairs are called “baby thrones.”
2. Every baby boy is born with a lacrosse stick in his hand and the capacity to commit hate crimes in his heart.
3. Boarding schools are glorified daycare for children of rich, divorced parents. Each Choate acceptance letter comes with a vial of cocaine.
4. It is illegal to name your children anything outside of characters from the cast of Cats. This past year, “Munkustrap” spiked in popularity, while “Demeter” took a nosedive.
5. A typical well-rounded meal is a pint of vodka, three Tic Tacs (preferably evergreen-flavored), and a strong whiff of the inside of a new Porsche.
6. Some women consider it more convenient to simply tattoo a houndstooth pattern all over their body rather than return to Saks season after season. Black and white houndstooth never goes out of vogue.
7. Electronic dance music is popular among young people, while their parents favor the sounds of porcelain shattering and Portuguese maids bickering.
8. Most common methods of suicide: throwing oneself before an agitated show horse, hammering one’s head with a croquet mallet, swallowing an ounce of Long Island Sound water.
9. Mating rituals of the rich in Connecticut are fraught with standard sexual tension and the anxiety of finding someone who guarantees a New York Times vows slot. Deal-breakers include a public school education, a last name that could be mistaken for something ethnic, and the inability to differentiate between maritime and nautical themes (they are NOT identical, Bustopher).
10. Illnesses that affect the population include affluenza, Lyme Disease, hemophilia due to inbreeding, and congenital racist tendencies. These sicknesses have no known cures. They can merely be managed with rude awakenings and the occasional expansion of mind, which are usually temporary.
11. Adolescents have developed their own patois that is impenetrable to adults. It is a combination of luxury brand names, appropriated urban slang, and obscene emoji. Called “PrivGuage” by experts, it confounds anyone over 20 and enables a reckless brand of clandestine drinking and drugging the Surgeon General has called “Impressively irresponsible.”
12. A wedding is both an extravagant, elaborate affair and a sexual act that involves Dom Perignon seeping from multiple orifices.