Finger of Blame

“In the bible, Eve gets in trouble for eating a delicious, nutritious apple and decides to be super generous and selfless by sharing with Adam. When God gets pissed, Adam points his finger of blame at Eve’s beautiful flower area. He does this repeatedly until she gets pregnant, thus populating the earth.” Genesis 3:35

Tyranny Trunk

“His tyranny trunk was both tyrannical and prehensile.”

Trouble Tube

“I was going to apply for grad school, but instead my boyfriend gifted me a baby with his trouble tube.”

Arm of Oppression

“Throughout history, men have tried to control women by high-fiving their beauty boxes with their arms of oppression.”

Gross Beige Thingy

“Behind every strong man there is a stronger woman. In front of every strong man there is a gross beige thingy.”

Flesh Axe

“Since primitive times, men have been systematically cutting down the Great Woman Forest with their flesh axes.”

Tee-Tee Organic Fire Hose

“He put out the fire with his tee-tee organic fire hose.”

Crème Machine

“Crème machines are a cheap, easy way to manufacture crème to use when frosting the cupcake of an enemy.”

The Spelunker

“The spelunker explored the vast, musty chambers of the highly-respectable lady’s cavern system.”

The Nasty Needle

“His nasty needle was super gross and injected me with a poisonous mayo-like venom. Why does something like that exist? Super gross.”

External Vagina

“He showed me his external vagina, and I was like blarf, put that away. Why isn’t that inside you? It makes much more sense for that to be internal. How do you ride a bicycle? I don’t understand. The entire situation seems unsanitary.”

Wacky Wand

“That wacky wand is pretty wacky. Please put it away because it’s making me angry.”

Mr. George Stephanopoulos

“He insisted I call his wacky wand ‘Mr. George Stephanopoulos.’”

It That Must Not Be Named

“Voldemort kind of looks like an it that must not be named.”

Now and Later

“His now and later starts out grotesquely hard, but after plenty of rigorous chomping becomes suddenly soft, and gross. It is also common to choke on now and laters. Most of all they are super gross and no one is entirely sure why they’re still being manufactured, because no one has every been like, “Oh, awesome, a now and later! My favorite! They’re so enjoyable and don’t hurt your mouth at all!”

Scare-Shitless Stick

“He scared the shit out of me with his scare-shitless stick.”

Morally Abhorrent Party Pendulum

“He insisted on keeping time with his morally abhorrent party pendulum.”