Excited about Frozen 2? Nah, we didn’t think so. If Frozen has been on constant replay in your home since 2013 and you can’t tell whether you walked into your kid’s room or a merchandise showroom, you’ll know the kind of suffering we’re talking about. So, here’s a handy guide that’ll help you keep Frozen 2 our little secret.
1. Take Small Detours
Locate all the Frozen 2 posters and plan a new route to get around town, so your kid never sees them. You’ll get some extra exercise, spend more time with your own thoughts, and maybe even get rid of the lyrics to “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” that has been plaguing your mind for the past six years.
2. Ban All Screen Time
You can’t trust your kid to be alone with any type of screen. A Frozen 2 commercial could come on at any second and then you’re doomed. So, take a healthy break as a family and have some meaningful conversations about the importance of having meaningful conversations. Remember, you have a smart TV, so you can easily record the entire season of Teen Mom and that three-hour documentary on the making of Die Hard.
3. Interrupt Others When Necessary
If someone is about to mention the movie, quickly interrupt them with “FROZEN TWOMATOES, WHY YES, we ARE going to see FROZEN TWOMATOES! We’re actually leaving for the supermarket right now to catch some of those freezer aisle goodies before they’re sold out! BYE!” If you amp up the enthusiasm, your kid might even get more excited about vegetables.
4. Host a Fake Funeral
Tell your kid that Elsa died in an avalanche, and even though the cold never bothered her, she still got crushed to death, so there won’t ever be a second movie. Hold a mock funeral for Elsa and burn all your kid’s Frozen merchandise as a way of teaching them to “Let It Go.” BONUS: Now that you’ve had the conversation about death, it’ll be easier to get your kid hooked on better films, like Bambi, Saw or Die Hard.
It might just be safest to cut off all contact with the outside world to escape the Frozen epidemic. Tell your kid that all their friends and classmates hate them, and they’ll be grateful to be homeschooled for a year or so. Sure, you’ll have to study up on a few things, like the order of the U.S. presidents and how to count, but you’ll finally get to be one of those parents that are their kid’s best friend. Who cares if it’s by default?
6. Just Reason with Your Kid
Calmly explain that mommy and daddy can’t handle any more ridiculously catchy songs or adorable sidekicks clearly only invented for lunch boxes, backpacks, and flip-flops. Your kid will understand! After all, it’s just a mov — HAHAHA! Yeah sorry, we’re obviously just kidding. This would never work and you know it. It’s the fucking sequel to Frozen.
7. Start WWIII
Take a couple of intense Russian and Korean language classes, place a few simple phone calls and then you and your family can spend a blissful 10-12 months in your underground bomb shelter until the surface air becomes breathable again. Just make sure your kid’s Frozen DVD doesn’t make it down there with you. Instead, bring puzzles, board games, that Rubik’s Cube you’ve always wanted to learn, and your Die Hard box set. There is a real chance that, when you emerge into the world again, the Frozen frenzy has died out along with most of the world’s population, but we can’t guarantee it. That shit might have gotten even stronger and morphed into an honest-to-Elsa religion. We’d argue that a dystopian apocalypse is the lesser of those two evils.