An intensely strong brand with a dedicated following is one of the most valuable possessions of any business. Consistently influencing those around you to love and enjoy the brand is a skill. Follow these simple steps to murder the brand game.
1. DETERMINE YOUR TARGET AUDIENCE
Refine who you are looking to pull towards your brand. Seek out consumers who may be a little lost and easily influenced, like that woman crying softly in the back of your yoga class. Statistics have shown the ripest demographic for candidates are women ages 19-26 who are “finding themselves.” If possible, send out recruiters to places young people frequent, like Crossroads Trading Company around the first of the month.
2. THE KEY TO BRANDING IS BRANDING
A display of devotion to the brand is the next necessary step. Those who are committed should look the part, with body branding. A literal brand of the mission statement or special “sign” should be placed on all followers. Don’t worry, it’ll look cute.
3. CREATING A UNIFORMED LOOK
A distinct uniform should be curated and established for those in the brand. Guide your brand members to wear all–white, dress them like flight attendants, or have them ride around in pairs on bikes. Whatever you decide to dress your brand as, make sure when a documentary about your brand is made in a few decades, the viewer will say, “They looked surprisingly stylish, though.”
4. INTEGRATE YOUR BRAND INTO EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE
For your brand to have success, it’s imperative for it to be all-encompassing, like the Kardashians. The brand is not just something we do to get on with our life, the brand is our life. If your family and friends cannot understand what the brand is trying to do for mankind, or your involvement with it, disconnect from them like they did with Rob after he got fat.
5. IGNORE BAD PRESS
Not everyone will love your brand. They may accuse you of “starting a cult.” The government may put you on a “watchlist.” The FBI may surround your heavily fortified compound and demand that you surrender. But stay steady in your truth and purpose. Love will work this whole thing out.
6. ASK FOR MONEY FROM THOSE WHO LOVE THE BRAND
This part is vital. You must financially hog-tie all “brand-members.” Money is an energy exchange, and you are giving them an exclusive
purchase on the truth, so in turn they must take out a second mortgage on their home to receive the information. Credit debt doesn’t exist in the brand, but the divine does.
7. ELIMINATE THOSE WHO DIVERGE FROM THE BRAND
Some will ask prodding questions about some of the brand’s practices, like putting all babies who have been deemed “bad” in top hats or eating a pound of sauerkraut to celebrate the full moon. Those who speak out against the brand, should be immediately exterminated from the brand. It is important to remove ‘brand deflectors’ from the group quietly, as to not disrupt the flow of operations. Using unorthodox means of ‘decluttering’ insubordinate members is encouraged. It’s like Marie Kondo-ing humans. Remember, it’s called brand building, not brand friendship.
8. SIT BACK AND REAP THE BENEFITS OF YOUR WORK
Congratulations! You did it! You built it, and they came so many times (free love, baby!) By simply using dedication, psychological manipulation, and exploiting the human need to belong to something for meaning you’re now a BRAND LEADER! As the brand leader, feel free to explore the space. Have sex with everyone (including that tambourine), shave someone’s head at breakfast, and of course, make any room you’re in a dungeon of patchouli and body odor. Unfortunately, brands like yours have a vertical trajectory, which means self-destruction is inevitable, BUT at least some will get murdered during your downfall. LIFE IS BRANDING AND IF YOU DO IT RIGHT, YOU TOO CAN FEEL THE FREEDOM IT BRINGS!