I am Christian Lowell III, son of Christian Lowell II. I write you in urgent need of assistance. I am living with my brother in a rent-controlled two-bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side. Needless to say, the conditions are deplorable. The pools have not been cleaned since yesterday and, with two of the gym’s treadmills in need of repair, the wait time for a treadmill directly in front of one of the eight plasma TVs is averaging four to six minutes.
We require your immediate help. My mother must get a second eyelift as soon as possible. If she does not have the procedure, she will be condemned to the unspeakable state of looking her age. My brother is weeks from dying (a social death) if he cannot complete his course of medical treatments at the Central Park West Hair Restoration Clinic. And my father recently lost his job and most of his money, except for the funds he keeps hidden for mistresses and his collection of memorabilia from the Reagan administration.
The situation is desperate. Gangs of people calling themselves loan officers are threatening to take our Hamptons home by force. We have been forced to seek asylum from the endless persecution we are facing from the New York social scene. Bitsy Russell recently asked us at the Friends of the Opera fundraiser whether we had to leave early in order to return our tuxedos. What an obscene notion, a grown man wearing rented clothing like a clown! My brother slapped Bitsy with his glove and reminded her that her only claim to fame was an upskirt photo taken while she exited her limo for the Bourgeois Benefit Ball.
Now, let us talk about how you may do your civic duty and help your fellow man. As it just so happens, yesterday I received a text message from my cousin Cyril saying that we have won the New York State lottery. I am looking for a kind soul to claim this money on our behalf and collect a generous reward. We would claim it ourselves, but, let’s be honest, the lottery is for old women and working people. If you are able to help us, we would split the money with you 90/10.
I assure you that this transaction is 100 percent safe. I am a wealthy American whose father has been in banking for 30 years. What’s not to trust? Once you open the bank account, we will take our share of the money and use it for the matching massage robots we’ve had our eyes on. As to what you spend your money on, we don’t care. Seriously, we don’t. Just please never contact us again. We expect your discretion in this partnership, the type of discretion one would exercise if one caught one’s uncle Arthur pinching one’s butler.
Please e-mail me back at taxesR4fools@gmail.com at your earliest convenience, as we’d like to get this matter resolved so we can return to our daily lives. I am in the middle of hiring a writer for my autobiography and Cyril wants to buy a small island in the West Indies.
Your most sincerely humble socialite,
Christian Lowell III