The Female Reply Guy wakes before sunrise. She needs a headstart because she has to work twice as hard to piss off half as many Twitter users. Also, she wants to go to Barre Method.
The Female Reply Guy lays in waiting, like a cat (an inherently feminine animal), searching for the perfect tweet. Then, around 8 AM, she sees the mouse upon which to pounce: A tweet from @sarahdogfan saying, “Nothing is more perfect than a bagel for breakfast!”
The Female Reply Guy knows the statement is factually incorrect. There are more perfect things, like art, babies, love, Fleabag season 2, and Fleabag season 1. Besides, the cream cheese is woefully uneven. She just wants to make sure she replies before one of her male coworkers— dammit. @stevestevesteve69 has already said, “WRONG!!”
The Female Reply Guy understands that multiple reply guys (replies guy?) can reply to the same post, but she chooses not to. She doesn’t want to seem too aggressive.
The Female Reply Guy does not like the term “Reply Girl,” and no one is willing to say “Reply Woman.”
It’s noon, and she’s made no successful replies yet.
The Female Reply Guy sees @billfatherhusbanddad tweet a photo with the caption, “Wonderful Saturday morning with the kids!” She brainstorms biting replies, but all she comes up with is, “Cute, you have a beautiful family!” It’ll have to do.
Unfortunately, she takes the time to spell check and is overtaken by 8 male reply guys writing “hot wyfe.” The Female Reply Guy vows to swear off commas – with today’s wage gap, she doesn’t have the time.
The Female Reply Guy has her own reply guy. His handle is @gassy69, and he comments, “wut” on everything she replies on another person’s status.
The Female Reply Guy sees that @hotgirliamhot just posted “Love a bikini #hotgirlsummeryearround.” The Female Reply Guy writes, “Looks like you’re having a good time!” Dammit — paulbuttbutt69 has already commented, “Looks like your having a good time!” She swears off apostrophes — not in this economy.
The Female Reply Guy deletes her reply, as it already has six comments telling her that comment had already been made, and more succinctly (sans apostrophe).
The Female Reply Guy doesn’t want anyone to know her gender, so her handle is based on her hero: @mulan69.
At 3 PM the Female Reply Guy changes her tampon, as all women do, all the time.
The Female Reply Guy is not blocked by Trump. The humiliation haunts her.
The Female Reply Guy wishes she got paid maternity leave. Sadly, there are no benefits for reply guys.
It’s 4 PM. The Female Reply Guy finally writes “LOL” on a Chrissy Teigen tweet. Then she deletes it and writes “lol.” She doesn’t want to come off as emotional.
The Female Reply Guy is horrified to learn she wasn’t invited to the Reply Guy Happy Hour in @peteimlonely69’s basement.
At 6 PM the Female Reply Guy checks her inbox. Only three death threats: she’s behind schedule. She doesn’t think she’ll be able to sign off by 8 now.
The Female Reply Guy has the fire in her belly from being told all her life that she’d never make it as a reply guy. She didn’t really have any good female role models to look up to, but she promised herself — before there’s a female president, there will be a Female Reply Guy. She felt so deeply about that conviction that she tweeted it, and @dandruff69 immediately commented, “Your [sic] not hot enough.”
And then @gassy69 commented “wut.”
It’s 7 PM and @dannypizzafood69 has just called her a “b*itch.” She sighs. Finally she’s getting somewhere. She knows she’s good enough.
The Female Reply Guy is considering switching to Instagram or going to law school.
At 8:15 PM the Female Reply Guy receives her fourth death threat of the day. Her work is done. She signs off.