(Intro: Near the back of each issue of Twist, a national magazine for teenage girls, is a small feature called “E-mail This Boy,” where a regular sort of boy is pictured, his likes and dislikes listed, and his email address provided.
In December the “E-mail This Boy” subject was Chris Eggers, a 15-year-old friend of McSweeney’s with a hopeless, insatiable appetite for romance. The following are excerpts from a small fraction of the mail received — in all, over 600 emails in about five weeks — and which were first published in The Fuzz, a zine published by Chris and distributed to students at his high school.
Though all names have been changed in the letters below, the original spelling and grammar have not. Each line-break indicates a new letter, or portion thereof. If they start to blend together after a while, that is o-kay.
Note: All emails were answered in kind, and with kindness.)
E-MAIL THIS BOY
Say hey to our newest e-mail boy, Chris, 15
HE SAYS HE’S: Shy, athletic, and full of tender lovin’
HE LIKES GIRLS WHO HAVE: A great personality, a good smile, and sweet love
HE LOVES TO: Flirt and play soccer
FAVE SPORT: Romance (Does that count?)
FAVE FLICK: Titanic: The love story of our time
HIS BIGGEST PET PEEVE: The forces of darkness
HE HOPES TO BE: A lion tamer
HE CRAVES: Chocolate chip l-o-v-e
(continued from Friday)
Hey Chris! My name’s Amanda a.k.a. Squeek.
full of tender lovin’? Damn right baby!:)… A great personality: What a koinkidink.
So you wanna be a lion tamer huh? Well that’s good cause I need some taming!GRRRR REAR!
I hope to go to the Fire Academy at Texas A&M University in College Station, Texas or to Harvard to become a Pediactric Cardiologist.
my biggest pet peeve is when people ask you what time it is when there’s a big clock right there on the wall. it’s like, “what time is it?” and i’m like, “excuse me? i couldn’t hear you, that ticking from the clock right behind you drowned out your voice.” it gets on my nerves so bad. another one of my pet peeves is when mexicans run their mouths 90 miles an hour right behind you on the bus from the time they get on it, to the time they get off it. they don’t even stop to breath. i hate that cuz i don’t know what they’re talking about and it sounds so stupid. it’s like, “jib a shait ye ret hou frogesca igj aleowei.” i have no idea what that means….i wanna be a pediatrician when i grow up, but all my friends said that they’d never bring their kids to me because they’d be afraid i’d kill ’em or something.
I was just talking to one of my frends yesterday about how i wanted a guy that I’d be with for a long time and who would like me for who I am. You totally fit that description. This is so weird. i hope we keep contact. Do you have a girlfriend?
your letter was so sweet it almost made me cry. i just called my friend and told her all about you. she thinks you are my “romeo”.
Fave Flick: The Wedding Singer. It’s romantic, funny, and a great make-out all in one.
In the mag you seem soo sweet, but (I’m sorry about this) it also seems like you could be a player. I want to know you better before I make a judgement on you,ok?
I love angels and horses and dragons and turtles
p.s. I am not ugly (but even if I was it wouldn’t matter because true beatuy comes within looking good on the outside is just a bonus) right:)
When I grow up I want open my own therapy clinic.
I read in a magazine that you were some destitute lonely guy who was so pathetic that he never got e-mail. But guess what: I too am a pathetic destitude lonely girl. Fancy that. I heard also that you like titanic. I hate it for one reason: It makes me realize how meaningless my own life is and how I will die a old ugly woman with a glass eye, fake leg, and dentures. My only company will be my 30 cats, and i will walk about in a Moo-moo with a jello-mold stuck to my face. And in the end I will die, crippled and bald, decomposing in my own fecal matter. God, I’m such an optimist!
are you a virgin?
Smells like my potato soup is burning, so we gotta go!!!!!!!!!!!!! MMMM! Can’t wait to hear from ya.. :)
My dream is to become a forensic anthropologist. It has always fascinated me to solve mysteries of different cultures and religions.
Name: Whitney N. Hoffman
Nicknames: Whitnic, Airhead,Whit,Whore
Bands: BNL, Everclear, Eagle Eye cherry,Peter Frampton, Fuel, Aerosmith
and Hella more
Do you believe in love at first sight? Yeah i do Diffanately! Do you have a crush on a school mate/coworker? YEAH 2 of them(school mates) If you really liked someone but they just wanted to use you for sex, would you let them ? hell yeah, hey we both get what we want.
“well i guess it would be nice. if i could touch your body. i know not everybody has got a body like me. but i gotta think twice, before i give my heart away, cuz i know all the games you play, cuz i play them too!” i love that song! i’ve had it in my head all day, cuz i was home sick and i saw it on mtv!
I bake excellent chocolate chips( well that is what my bf says)
What’s new with you. I got your address from a friend and you sound VERY interesting (in other words…HOT) Well, I would like to now if you would like to write to me! It could be fun…Hint Hint. Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself so we feel just a little more comfortable. I’m blonde, 5 ft 3. Blue eyes. My family said they look like the ocean. I don’t have a boyfriend yet. And no I’m not fat, or a slut. but i do know the road to happiness!!!!!!!!
Hi Chris! You’re a pretty goofy guy. I Don’t have much to talk about but I’d really like to talk to ya so, if you’re not too busy with all of those other chics, e-mail me back.
Your like the first guy I’ve seen who likes Titanic! … My favorite scene is when she is on that door in the ocean and he’s dead and she lets go of his hand, even though its the part where I cry so hard my eyes turn red but, it’s the best part! What’s your favorite part?—"It’s All Good!" Susie
The biggest thing that gets on my nerves is when a guy is always saying nice things to me. I mean it’s ok but not constantly. I would like to say something back or talk or DO something back. * hehehe * Im a hopeless romantic, I love to surprise my friends with gifts to show I care all the time. When I find a guy I really like Im holding on to him, be there for him, love him, comfort him when he’s sad or sick, but also be close friends, joke around, have secret jokes just between us. . . .that kind of stuff. Im soft and gentle, but sneaky and mysterious so watch out. haha Oops slapping forehead almost forgot.
I need some advice on what to get my boyfriend for Christmas. Your description reminded me a lot of him. What would you want a girl to get you? I’ve never had to buy a present for a guy. I’m clueless!
I’ve never heard of chocolate chip love, but hey it sounds good. Why are you shy? I got over my shyness in… well, I’ve never been shy. I will talk to anybody. Flirting is my favorite sport too besides cheerleading, gymnastics,and shopping.
1. NAME: Elizabeth-Anne Marie Lambert
7. STAIGHT, GAY, OR BI? Straight!
9. ARE YOU A VIRGIN? No
13. WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER MOST ABOUT THIS YEAR? i don’t remember!
42. ROLLERCOASTERS- DEADLY OR EXCITING? awesome!
P.S. And if you don’t want to be computer buddies, then maybe we can just fill each other in on the mysteries of the opposite sex:)
Hi I am Kimberly. I saw you in the Teen Mag. I wasa board so I decided to email you. Well i am not expecting you to email me back. since you are so "famous " right now.
I am starting to write peotry. I think it is cool. I am really into a music and want to be an Mtv veejay, or a writer cause I am good at that!
P.S. I know how you feel about the forces of darkness. They really are a real pain to deal with.