We’re a fast-paced, goal-oriented, revenue-driven company with a need to succeed. For the past few years, we’ve been the market leader in asset monetization and management synergy. Our vision is to spread our unique brand of success to every corner of the globe.
But it’s our people who make all the difference. Last year, we were voted one of the top ten employers in our office park, and that’s because there’s nothing we value more than our dedicated employees. Truly, we heart them.
But it’s our innovation that makes all the difference. Innovation that makes ideas happen. Ideas for a better tomorrow. Today.
About the About Page
The About Us blurb was written by a team of our talented employees over a period of three months. For several hours each day, they were cloistered in the conference room, discussing PR strategies and various aspects of pop culture. Several dozen pizzas were ordered and consumed in the process.
As soon as the wording was perfected, the passage was written on a paper towel and copy edited by Tim, our eager young intern (who is, sadly, no longer with us). The polished piece was then sent to our CEO for approval. Six months later, we were given the green light and Brian uploaded the finished product to our website this morning.
Brian is one of our go-getter, self-starter, career-motivated employees. His ASL is 38/male/the half-cubicle between the break room and the washrooms. Officially, he’s our Online Media Liaison Assistant. Unofficially, and for the purposes of LAN parties, he’s known as magnum642. He’s a sensitive guy who enjoys picnics and long walks on the beach. But ever since his wife left him, he’s been moping around in his khakis and mumbling about the futility of existence. He also enjoys socks.
About Brian’s Personal Hygiene
Brian was never much for neatness. But lately, he’s been messier than usual. His desk is littered with wrappers and half-empty cans and his keyboard is smudged with nacho cheese. His fingers are stained a deep chemical orange. We suspect he hasn’t showered since the divorce. His odor is almost visible—a ripple of cartoon stench lines with a cheesy aftertaste. If he doesn’t bathe soon, we’ll have to lay him off next month. (It’s a surprise! Don’t tell Brian!)
About Our Office Ventilation
Outside of Brian’s little pocket of pungency, the air is actually breathable. A little stale, but not bad for an older building. Every so often, we catch a whiff of something floating through the vents—roadkill? mystery cheese?—and we all try to guess what it is.
And then there’s Mindy from Accounting. Every time she walks by, a wave of lavender perfume rolls over us. It’s like a field of flowers distilled into a powder and sold by street thugs to emo teens desperate for a high, any kind of high. Some of the more sensitive guys actually sneeze when they hear her heels tapping in the hall.
The rest of us don’t mind too much, because Mindy makes up for it by being hot. Like, ridiculously hot. Half the guys and plenty of the girls are in love with her. The rest are either in denial or completely emasculated (like Brian). She’s just… wow.
About Sexual Harassment
It’s not allowed, apparently. We can’t say too much because our legal team has us gagged. On the upside, we now know Brian’s got his libido back.
We’re a fast-paced, goal-oriented, revenue-driven street performance team with a need to succeed. Watch and be amazed as we identify objects with nothing but our sense of smell!