[Originally published January 21, 2014.]
June 20, 2039
I realize that you’re angry, and I’d like the opportunity to clarify a few things. If you heard my side of the story, you wouldn’t be so quick to resent a mother who’s done nothing more than love you.
I never pitched “Is my Toddler a Homophobe?” to Thisisnotyourbubbysblog. After my “What the Fuck Happened to my CD Player?” essay in It’s Motherhood, Bitches, they approached me and asked if I had any story ideas.
Darling, everything I wrote in that post was true, especially your precious tears when you learned that Jaden didn’t have a female mother like normal kids. I only included the part about your “You don’t have a Mommy!” taunt as a cautionary tale against hair pulling. Why that should cause tension in your job at Progressive Watch is beyond me.
When Trish Horowitz wrote that piece of drivel on AnotherCrappyDay about her twins Michigan and Stack, I felt compelled to weigh in about the challenges of parenting an only child. So in a sense, “Birth Control’s Lament” is all Trish’s fault. Please know that the post was written on a very dark day in my life, at the height of my addiction to opiate lozenges.
For the record, I embellished only slightly on Mommyinquest. The part about you mistaking the black man at Trader Joe’s for Lebron James is true. But no, you didn’t chase him into The Container Store calling out “Lebron, Lebron!” I felt entitled to take a few liberties due to the importance of the subject matter. It was a commentary on the failure of the suburbs to integrate, but I am sorry if it has led to an argument between you and the new field support coordinator at Progressive Watch.
I want to tell you that the day I sent you to school with peanuts is one of my absolute worst memories. I’m sorry I ever wrote about it, or about how you merrily built a Lego dinosaur as Jaden was being injected with epinephrine. Jaden mentioned the incident on her Rhodes Scholarship application as the inspiration for studying medical anthropology. Did you know that?
In my day, anyone with a vague heartbeat could get a loan, so it’s vexing that the banks do such diligent research today. How was I to know, sweetheart, how your shoplifting those Mentos would be interpreted all these years later? It’s funny, because the only reason I wrote “The Taliban Tantrum” was because after you manipulated me into buying you that Kit Kat, I felt so darn silly. I would pre-approve you any day, darling. I hope that’s some comfort to you and Michigan.
“Maybe Joan Crawford had a Point” made a few people laugh, and doesn’t that make it all worthwhile?
I felt my reaction to your undistinguished middle school report card was noteworthy and so I shared it with world. Why is that so hard to understand? With time, I’m sure you’ll come to agree that the Rhodes Scholarship is an overrated distinction. You were better off getting that experience in traditional publishing as it took its last, wheezing breath.
KillTinkyWinky was the most popular site of its kind, and “My Nine-Year-Old Hates Fat People” was my only chance to get a post accepted. At a certain point, you have to acknowledge that I didn’t have a choice in these matters. Again, I’m sorry if it has affected your chances of becoming chief legal council. You might want to tell your Executive Director that “Portion Control” is a thing.
So too, “A Meditation on Thank-you Notes” was erroneously perceived as mean-spirited. I meant no ill will towards either Michigan or Stack or any kid whose unintelligible scribbles are meant to be taken as legitimate signatures. I do agree that having Thanksgiving with both families together this year would have made things a whole lot easier, but as we’ve already established that Trish is responsible for “Birth Control’s Lament,” who is really the villain here?
Finally, PowerofaSmileyFace, ExtremeVagina and MyEffingHouseisNeverClean were among the few sites that paid more than an honorarium, as opposed to SleepDeprivedandHomicidal and BudgetTipsofaFormerLehmanBrothersSkank, which offered link-backs only. I admit that “Why I Bought an Xbox” was a sponsored post, as was “Disney Addict” and “The Joys of Benadryl.” So I’m sorry if what I wrote on those various sites has led to—in no particular order—your adolescent panic disorder, the abrupt surge in the child-free movement, the widespread use of that ADD “nauseous” drug, and your unfortunate excommunication from the Children of Yeshurun Synagogue.
On the other hand, I will never apologize for my work on KneeJerkIsTheNewBlack. It was an honor just to be loosely associated with The Huffington Post. I remind you of these pearls of wisdom from the legendary Platformstilettomama blog, “In the end, everything always works out for the best.”
I can only hope that when you and Michigan have children of your own and share the intimate details of their lives on the blogosphere, you’ll understand my choices better than you do now.
All in all, my greatest regret is that I taught you how to read. I think we can all agree you’d be a lot happier if you were illiterate.