Where to even begin? I mean, first of all, we killed a guy. My general rule of thumb is this: if I have to witness someone’s death, you’re not getting above three stars (exception: my four-star review of Lee’s Ten Pin Lanes).

You can’t expect luxury on public transit, but the seats were very uncomfortable, and we were packed in so tight that I had a guy basically sitting in my lap. Also, the brakes failed, and we began barreling uncontrollably down the tracks toward several innocent people who had been inexplicably tied to the tracks. Maybe the uncontrolled barreling made the seat seem more uncomfortable than it really was, I can’t say for sure.

It’s not just that we ran over the guy (it happens, I get it). But on the return trip, and every subsequent trip I’ve taken on that trolley, there is always a slightly different combination of people tied to the tracks. Sometimes it’s a relative of the person trackside who is manning the lever. Sometimes it’s a scientist, or an older person, or a kid.

That brings me to my next issue. I’ve taken plenty of bus rides where people constantly pull the string, causing the ride to take forever. But I’ve never, in my life, been on a form of public transportation that can suddenly be diverted to a different set of tracks by some random passerby. I don’t want to act like I know all there is to know about the trolley business, but it seems like the trolley route should fall only under the purview of transit authority employees. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t think they should have a lever that allows any old idiot to divert the whole group of us to Westport on a whim.

When people hear about the trolley problem, they only consider the folks tied to the tracks. They don’t think for a moment about us, the passengers aboard a runaway trolley who are about to have the unsettling experience of listening to, and passively participating in, the bone-crunching death of another human, and on top of that, also ending up hours from our intended destination. It’s not like we can just get off at the next stop and transfer to the M line. If we can’t stop before we hit a human being, then we’re surely going to blow right through the Reynolds Street stop and careen on until we reach the end of the line at Northampton.

Again, not to sound like I think I’m the king of trolley mountain, but if someone has enough time to tie six different people to two sets of tracks before the next trolley comes through, then I don’t think we are making efficient use of the taxpayer-funded trolley rails in this town. Old Western villains could barely get one woman tied down in hopes of getting the deed to her father’s ranch before a train came along. To tie one person down, travel to a different set of tracks, and tie FIVE more people down must have taken hours. How is it possible we were the first train to come along in that time? It’s just not an efficient use of resources.

This is probably for a separate review, but where is the law in this town? A madman is tying several people to trolley tracks, and not a single cop is around?

All in all, the ride was bumpy (especially during the part where we ran over a man’s body), it was crowded, and we ended up miles from our intended destination. I give this trolley one star. I do not recommend it. If you are looking for a more reliable method of transportation where every outdated piece of equipment has been replaced with a new part, please see my five-star review of the Ship of Theseus.