Mr. DeLucca,

I’m interested in receiving some feedback on my recent application for the marketing internship at your company. I’m sure you receive a veritable sea of applications from qualified young professionals, so just to refresh your memory, my application was the one taped to the back of an overweight corgi?

It was delivered by a team of breakdancing children, whom you may recognize from a Winter 2014 Gap commercial?

We snuck into your office disguised as window washers with the majority of the children tucked into a push cart and the dog dressed up as a bucket of rags?

I made that Taj Mowry look-alike read off my qualifications in a grandiose British accent, as if they were some sort of historical document, while I tried to light those roman candles in your office until I burnt my finger and your administrative assistant brought me ice?

I cried when I tried to rip off my window washer mustache for the big reveal?

I left that ham hock wrapped in my cover letter on your desk because I read in your alumni newsletter that you’re a big ham guy and you asked me to please take the raw meat out of your office and I tried but I dropped it on one of the Gap dancer’s toes and he started crying so they all started crying and we left in such a hurry that we lost both the fake Taj Mowry and the résumé corgi, both of whom are probably still trapped in your beautiful, spacious office, where I could totally see myself working and making a real difference?

Is this sounding familiar at all? I know you guys are probably swamped with applicants and it can be difficult to really make an application stand out against a competitive crowd!

Anyway, it’s been two weeks and I just wanted to send a follow up parade. This drum line was actually on Good Morning America and the beat they’re playing is morse code detailing my employment history. I brought the Gap dancers again because I think I might have accidentally adopted them.

I’d like to stress my experience as the flyer designer for my aunt’s ice cream stand and my role in managing social media accounts for my improv team. I’ve sent my résumé in the form of a piñata to your daughter’s elementary school and my contact information can be found on the embroidered silk robe I left under your pillow.

Please respond at your earliest convenience! Thank you!