Those fuckin’ Danes, yah know, all they are’s ah bunch’ah fuckin’ fightahs. I mean yah got this tiny little fuckin’ country way up there past Germany n’ 1000 years ago it’s so full’ah fuckin’ fightahs that yah got mohr firewohrks goin’ off up there ’en yah do at the pops concehrt on the fuckin’ fourth’ah July. N’ so what d’yah think happens when all these guys got no one left tah fight there in Denmahk? What these guys do is they all fuckin’ get in a boat n’ they sail off tah England tah pick on those poorh Anglo-Saxon bastahds ’cause those guys they got ah lot’ah good fahmin’ land n’ shit yah know, the Danes they like tah fuckin’ fahm.

So now these Danish guys they staht goin’ ovah tah England in numbahs that make Mexico look like it’s the sohrt’ah place that no one evah even wants tah fuckin’ leave, n’ so what yah end up with is this huge fuckin’ prahlong’d period’ah immigration where it just don’t seem to tah evah fuckin’ end. I mean it’s like fuckin’ summah construction on 128, this shit just don’t fuckin’ happen ovahnight n’ when it’s finally fuckin’ done, yah just know the lay’ah the land’s not gonnah be lookin’ the same as it was n’ so what yah end up with in this pahticulah case is that yah got mohr Danes livin’ in nohrtheastuhn England ’en cows in Vahmont n’ so ah’couhrse this leads tah some real fuckin’ intuhrestin’ legal developments.

Now this Danish paht’ah England, it’s not fuckin’ Suffolk Law ah Hahvahd Law ah BU ah BC Law ah some othah shit like that. What it is, is the mothahfuckin’ Danelaw. N’ the Danelaw, it’s not ’bout these Danish guys goin’ n’ fohrkin’ ovah shit tons’ah money just so they can go tah fuckin’ school n’ dick eachothah ovah on study notes n’ shit n’ then maybe get some sohrt’ah job suein’ people aftahwahds if the economy evah fuckin’ recovahs. Nah what the Danelaw is ‘bout is it’s ’bout the Danes fuckin’ bitch-slappin’ the English so fuckin’ hahd that now they fuckin’ rule that nohrthuhn paht’ah the country where they been livin’ n’ so natuhrally that all ends up worhkin’ out pretty good fah this Danish guy King Svein Fohrkbeard fah when he decides tah go raidin’ ovah in England in the 990s ’cause now he’s got half the country watchin’ his back.

But I befohr I get too much fahthah intah that, I guess I oughtah make clear fah yah that the Danelaw, it kind’ah goes back n’ fohrth between who’s really in chahge’ah it ovah the years ’cause yah know sometimes it’s the Danes, but then sometimes it’s alsah the fuckin’ English. I mean most’ah the time it’s sloppi’ah ’en a couple’ah drunks fightin’ it out on Saint Patty’s Day but these guys sometimes they get intah some real great histahric matches. Fuckin’ like, the Great Heathen Ahmy vs. Alfred the Great in the 870s, now that was a great fuckin’ match, I mean don’t even get me fuckin’ stahted on that one. But the whole point’ah me talkin’ ’bout this is that this Svein guy, when he does go raidin’ it’s one’ah the times the Danelaw is actually undah English rule, but yah know still mostly lived in by Danes who fuckin’ like him.

So now the thing ’bout Svein doin’ all this raidin’ is that he’s just kindah doin’ it fah the fuckin’ hell’ah it, yah know, like it’s just what Danes liked tah do back in those days. Tah him it’s kind’ah like takin’ his Hahley up tah Laconia with his buddies only he’d alsah buhrn the whole town down, take all the money, n’ then they’d all go steal a boat n’ prahceed tah get fuckin’ shitfaced on Winnipesaukee.

Now as yah can prob’bly damn well imagine, these English kings they don’t fuckin’ cahr much fah these Danish guys, n’ they especially don’t cahr fah guys like Svein who isn’t there fah the fahmin’s sake n’ instead’s just makin’ ah bunch’ah fuckin’ trouble fah the English. So in 1002 this guy Ethelred who’s the English king at the time, he goes n’ he fuckin’ declahrs that every Dane livin’ in England ought tah be fuckin’ slaughtah’d. N’ so what yah get is this tehrrible fuckin’ massac’ah n’ next thing yah know news’ah it’s spreadin’ ‘round like fuckin’ wildfi’ah.

N’ if that ain’t fuckin’ bad enough, tuhrns out one’ah the victims’ah the massac’ah tuhrns out tah be Svein’s own fuckin’ sistah n’ so now he gets wind’ah this when he’s back home up there in Denmahk n’ he just fuckin’ loses it. I mean he just fuckin’ blows a fuse, he’s punchin’ holes in the walls of his mead hall, throwin’ his fuckin’ drinkin’ hohrns clea’ah ’cross the room, tuhrnin’ ovah tables n’ benches n’ shit. When he finally calms his livah he takes his seat n’ he looks at everyone who’s starin’ at him scared shitless n’ he’s like, ”Alright guys. I’ve fuckin’ had it. We’re gonnah go back tah England n’ this time we’re gonnah fuckin’ come down on the place like Cam Neely on a goddamned crippled midget.”

N’ when a Dane talks like that yah just know that shit’s ’bout tah hit the fuckin’ fan.