What’s the history?
Several years ago, Boris Johnson, a man many believe to be a long-running satire of the upper classes, was made prime minister after promising to be tremendously rude to everyone else in Europe.

What happened?
Crikey. Where to begin. Lies, corruption, incompetence, drunkenness, sexual deviance, wallpaper abuse. That sort of thing. We’ve had quite a time of it.

He was forced to resign as prime minister.

What! Forced? So, you had a coup?
Not really. Several men who speak like they live in Downton Abbey went to see the prime minister and shook their heads at him whilst quietly tutting. Utterly humiliated, Johnson resigned.

Okay, so you have an election now, right?
Don’t be vulgar.

We don’t have an election to choose a new prime minister; we have an election when we’ve got a prime minister who thinks they can win an election.

How do you choose a prime minister then?
We don’t. The party in power does. In this case, it’s the Tory Party.

What’s the Tory Party?
The British version of Republicans but less obsessed with wombs. Think fox-hunting is the God-given right of all men. Don’t really trust anyone who didn’t go to one of four incredibly expensive public schools. Despise Europe.

But you’re European.
Shh. We don’t talk about that. The Tory Party is the Government of the day. They choose a new leader, and that leader becomes the prime minister.

What about the Queen?
Leave her out of it. The women’s 96. She’s been through enough.

How does this Tory Party choose its leader then?
To begin with, several Tory MPs nominate themselves to be leader and then protest that they didn’t really want to be leader, but after pressure from their colleagues to stand, they have reluctantly put themselves forward.

They then spend a week or so being incredibly passive-aggressive to the other candidates and leaking the most appalling and scurrilous lies about them to the press.

Like what?
Could be anything. You know what the British press is like. So-and-so is a people trafficker, that chap got caught performing oral sex on himself, she married her horse, his success was only secured through an unholy rite of sacrifice to Satan.

Wow. Is any of that true?
No. But it’s early days. That’s the sort of thing we can expect over the next week or so.

Who are the candidates to watch out for?

  • Liz Truss – Foreign Secretary. Spent the last seven-eight years cosplaying Margaret Thatcher. Terribly good at Instagram. Very, very stupid.
  • Rishi Sunak – Ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer. During the height of the Covid pandemic, he introduced a scheme to encourage people to go to restaurants. Literally responsible for tens of thousands of deaths.
  • Penny Mordaunt – Very army. Can drive a warship. For some reason, this is seen as quite a boon when it comes to leading the country.
  • Suella Braverman – Currently the Attorney General. Quite mad.
  • Jeremy Hunt – Pleasant enough bloke. Sensible sort. Everyone hates him because he’s not angry enough about Europeans.

What is it with you guys and Europe?
Goodness knows. It’s the Tories. They’ve always had a bee in their bonnet about the rest of the continent. Unclear why. Maybe they had a traumatic experience with a croissant in early life. Perhaps someone’s spouse ran off with a bullfighter. Frankly, it’s best not to ask. Otherwise, you might get caught with an hours-long diatribe about Belgians being appalling.

What happens next?
Daily votes from other Tory MPs. The person with the lowest number of votes each day is eliminated. Like American Idol but with less Whitney Houston covers.

And when there’s one candidate left, they become prime minister, right?
No, of course not. The daily votes continue until there are two remaining candidates. The membership of the Tory Party then decides which of these two is to become leader.

Wait. Who are the members of the Tory Party?
Several hundred elderly racists who live in beautiful English villages and hate everything. The final two candidates spend the summer attempting to convince these people that they’re going to abolish income tax, bring back hanging, and invade France. The candidate who is the most persuasive is voted leader of the Tory Party and consequently prime minister of the country.

So, you’re telling me that the next prime minister of Britain is chosen by a handful of old people?
Mother of democracy, my friend. Wish us luck.