23:14-15 And the Lord spoke to Bezos, saying: On the twelfth day of the month of July, gather all thy Alexa devices and mark them half off so that every household should come to own one. Let Alexa spy on all the people, so that I can take a break from being omnipresent.
23:16 And the Lord continued: Taketh for thy members nesting baskets, odd-shaped string lights, and a cat scratching post in the shape of a pirate ship and present it to them at an irresistible price so they may fill their houses with more junk.
23:17-21 Payeth no heed to the gas prices; go forth with more packages, for the Earth is mine. I plan to destroy it anyway, and I can use thy help with more pollution. Also, placeth extra trucks on the road so that people get stuck in traffic jams. I like messing with people’s plans. Especially when those plans involve trying to make it to the New Kids on the Block Mixtape Tour. For I am the God of the Backstreet Boys.
23:22-23 And the people shall observe this day and make it holy by refraining from all work. Instead, they shall sit by a computer the entire day and hit refresh.
23:24-25 And in the warehouse, thy employees shall work without bathroom breaks to pack and ship an epic amount of shoe rack organizers destined to be ordered on this day. And if they are happy serving you, after seven years, thou mayest pierce their lapels with a service award in the form of a cheap pin.
23:26-28 Thou shalt offer insane deals only to the chosen who have tithed $139 for Prime membership. To those who have ended their memberships because the price went up this year and could not afford it any longer—they are abominations in the sight of the Lord. As punishment, they shall have to pay full price for their Ninja ten-in-one pressure cooker.
23:29 And it shall come to pass that thou shalt mark the Apple Watch at its lowest selling price, and the Canaanites will fight with the Moabites and the Americites to bag the deal before they sell out.
23:30-31 And on the thirteenth day, these Prime deals should continue, much to the behest of Satan. And by Satan, I, your Lord thy God, actually mean small business owners.
23:32 And then thou shalt prepare a Lightning Deal half the price of the previous day’s Lightning Deal so that the people might bang their computers and break them in annoyance, and then thou shalt increase the price for a new computer once these holy days have passed.
23:33 Now the Lord said to Bezos, do not charge shipping, for I am a vengeful God, and I’m mad at UPS for losing my Holy Grail.
23:34-38 And to the people the Lord commanded: Present to me a burnt offering of My Little Ponies, purchased at a steal. Place it upon an altar you make out of logs you chop yourself in the backyard with that ax you bought on impulse. Do not get lazy and use those Duraflame easy-igniting ones you ordered at 2 a.m. for practically nothing. I am your God, for heaven’s sake. And serving me should not be that easy.
23:39-43 Now UPS came forth and said unto God: “Bezos pays us so little for our efforts. Prime Day is going to kill us.” And the Lord said, “Hush.” And UPS said, “Can’t you get a replacement Grail on Amazon for super cheap?” And the Lord said, “Just for being smart with me, I’m commanding Bezos to offer free returns too. And you shall pack them and print the labels and seal the boxes, for days and nights you shall work and be cursed until the end of days.”
23:44 And the Lord appeared once more to Bezos while he was on a yacht in St. Barts and said: This Day of Prime shall be a statute forever in your generations or at least until I decide to bring forth a competitor so big he swallows thou whole like that fish I created to eat Jonah.