TO: All Staff
RE: Recent passage of the ‘Arm the Teachers’ bill

Hi everyone,

I trust you know I don’t begrudge anybody their success—ultimately, it’s about the students—but I think it’s absolutely unfair that the quality of weapons we get is tied to standardized test scores. I understand that the Science Department’s Regents numbers are through the roof, but do you think it’s right that I’m stuck with a pistol because my kids don’t care about Shakespeare?

To be frank, I’m just not sure why the Math Department should be getting laser scopes for their M16s. Not to be petty, but they just got those new graphing calculators. I’ve been teaching the same worn copies of The Sun Also Rises for eight years. Can I at least get a silencer or some night-vision goggles?

This is undoubtedly a difficult situation, and that means we should be coming together, not breaking apart. The freaking senate managed to collaborate on bipartisan gun legislation. What are we doing here, people? We all got into teaching for the same reasons: to inspire the next generation and show up to work every day armed to the fucking teeth. Let’s try to remember that.

You all know me—you know I’m not a busy body; however, I have noticed that some teachers are not routinely cleaning and oiling their service weapons (see Chancellor’s Regulation 11-b). Will this be enforced, or are we as a staff just okay with dirty guns now?

As stated in my last email, I am in favor of the latest guidance re: mandatory Rambo-style bandoliers. Still, I believe that the warpaint and cigars send a negative message to the kids.

Let’s face it—some lines need to be drawn. Which brings me to my next question: What role can/should our guns play in classroom management? What’s permissible here? Brandishing? Racking an empty shotgun? Where do we stand on shooting at the floor and yelling, “DANCE!”?

Also, and I know I’m not the only one who has been wondering about this, but will the teacher’s lounge be doubling as an armory? Because I don’t want anyone taking my bullets. If it’s anything like the Naked Juice saga, no amount of sticky notes will stop people from taking my shit. Looking at you, Larry. Those things are like five bucks a bottle.

On the topic of money, I’m still waiting on an answer from the DOE about whether or not they will be providing holsters. When our Business Manager Ron returns from Command and Control training at Fort Drum, I hope he can shed some light.

The city is really nickel-and-diming us on this stuff. That’s why I was so pumped to hear about the initiative to supplement our municipally funded arsenal with homemade ghost guns 3-D printed by our wonderful science team. Shout-out to Meg for securing the blueprints off the Dark Web!

Per our recent professional development cycle on racial justice, the lack of BIPOC representation on staff here remains troubling. How can we distinguish ourselves from other primarily white, heavily armed groups? This is quickly starting to feel like an offshoot of the Oath Keepers. What are we thinking? Festive T-shirts? More progressive hiring practices? Let’s circle back on this when we return in the fall.

Lastly, we still need a few volunteers for the high-capacity magazine drive. Looking at you, Larry.

Concerned in the English Department