Hi, Mom!

I hope this email finds you well. Sorry I haven’t been able to call lately, but I’ve just been so busy working my new job at Amazon! Or I’m a Scientologist. I can’t say for sure. It’s been going great! They really push you here. Sometimes, they actually even shove you. I’m working on a lot of projects to improve the company and/or humanity. That’s what Karen, my coworker and new friend says! I just had my business review audit, and I got some really useful feedback.

My auditor said I’ve been doing well at following our principles: dive deep, earn trust, psychiatry is bullshit — stuff like that. They’re helpful at work and with life. We insist on the highest standards to achieve greatness. To break through your limits, you have to use your analytical mind to make sure defects don’t get passed down the line. Emotional, reactive thinking just gets in the way. For instance, remember my fiancée Andrea? Me, neither! I haven’t seen her in a month. She just doesn’t get Amazon! Or Scientology. Whichever one this is.

We call this vigorous work-life balance being “peculiar,” and there are definitely some peculiar folks here! Karen wept openly at her desk today. Naturally, I made sure my supervisor heard about it through the Anytime Feedback Tool. I thought her crying was a little disrespectful to the team’s hard work. We’re trying to become a bar raisers, here! Or we’re trying to become Operating Thetans and eradicate the fourth dynamic engram. Again, not entirely sure.

Here, it’s all about the science of knowledge through data-driven metrics. We have a lot of internal competition, which fosters creativity and growth. Coming up this quarter is the Organization Level Review, and I hear we get a chance to move up the ladder while our managers fight over who gets to keep who. Maybe I’ll move up a floor and get a new job title like “digital media analyst” in the Prime division, or maybe I’ll pay $2,750 to get a fresh causative view of Matter, Energy, Space, and Time. No matter what, I’m delivering results!

Back at Amazon headquarters or the trailer inside Gold Base, they really care about you. My auditor asked me a lot of questions about my work habits, my life, and family. As it turns out, I need more bias for action. Compromising for social cohesion only stymies progress. Oh, also, I have to disconnect from you. It’s okay, Jeff Bezos says you have to “maintain the culture,” and my auditor said that you are “antagonistic and suppressive to our tenets.” Either way, I guess this is goodbye!

Don’t worry too much about me. My new job at Amazon, or deep inside the Church of Scientology, is working out great. Dog-friendly offices, great nearby coffee shops, and a continual performance improvement algorithm insure that I’m operating at higher and higher levels of productivity. Data is liberating! I usually average about 82 hours per week, including nights and weekends. I’ll be crossing the bridge to total freedom before you know it! Well, you won’t know it, but you get what I mean.

Okay, well, so long forever! I’m really looking forward to my future with Amazon. Or my position within SeaOrg. It’s still murky at this point. One thing I know for sure, they only pick the highest performers, and that’s what I want! I’m excited about which city is getting HQ2, and my five-year plan is all about achieving OTIII. I’m hoping to become a regional operations manager with Amazon.com, or I’m going to sign a contract of secrecy as I break through the wall of fire. The jury is still out on that one. What matters the most is that we’re a bunch of peculiar overachievers, and I like it here!

Hail, Alexa! Or Xenu. I’m pretty mixed up about which one is which.