3.8 – Rajon Rondo’s assists per turnover when the Wilmette Times runs 3 or more articles about wildlife preservation in a week (vs. 3.5 when they run 2 or fewer).

81.5% - Russell Westbrook’s free throw percentage when the opposing team’s bench is being polite (vs. 53.6% when the opposing team’s bench is performing a rousing ballet depicting a young southern boy’s struggles with gender identity issues in a tight-knit, conservative community).

9.3 – Manu Ginobli’s average field goal attempts per game in games where he believes himself to be a basketball player (vs. eating grass and running real fast when he believes himself to be horse).

32.5 – Lebron James’s Player Efficiency Rating (PER) in the 2012 NBA Playoffs (vs. 0.0 in the 1992 Olympic Games).

26.8 – Kevin Durant’s average points per 36 minutes in games scored in points (vs. :) ;) in games scored in emoticons).

47.9% - Dwyane Wade’s field goal percentage when he does a traditional pre-game warm-up (vs. 53.8% when he simply walks onto the court before anyone gets there and says, “Thou might find me repulsive now, basket, but by the conclusion of these 4 quarters, thou shalt not know me as anything but thy sweet darling lover.”)

9.9 – Kevin Garnett’s average rebounds per game in the playoffs since he joined the Boston Celtics (vs. 12.8 when he was a member of the Minnesota Timberwolves [vs. surviving when he was not an NBA player at all but an actual wolf]).

57.1% - Tim Duncan’s true shooting percentage in games where he is defended primarily by the opposing team’s power forward (vs. 12.5% in games where he is defended primarily by a meteor shower).

225 – Udonis Haslem’s total minutes played in the 2012 NBA playoffs thus far (vs. 2,394,759 totals minutes spent explaining, “Udonis. No, not Adonis. U-donis. Like, You-Don-Us. Yes, it is my real name,” in his life thus far).

4.0 – Paul Pierce’s scoring average in the final 5 minutes of games where neither team leads by more than 5 points (vs. crying in the opening 10 minutes of Pixar’s Up).

108.5 – The San Antonio Spurs’ offensive efficiency in games where they wear their traditional jerseys (vs. 68.9 in games where they’re in their “Howdy Pardner” throwback uniforms, which include cowboy boots with real, authentic spurs).