Hello, I’m Ajit Pai, the head of the Federal Communications Commission, and I am trying my hardest to end Net Neutrality and bring about the future I’ve dreamt of ever since I was a little boy longing to pay the necessary fees to grow into a man. Since a few people (less than twelve, according to my reports) have vocally denounced the repeal of Net Neutrality, I wanted to share with everyone my vision of the future that can only be achieved by getting rid of this silly piece of legislature.

First and foremost, the internet of the future will be better. Currently my internet provider lets me visit any site I want without any added costs. Insane. How do I know which sites are better if they’re all free? When I go yacht shopping, like we all do, I know the more expensive yacht is better, so I buy that one with the money Verizon and Comcast have given me without wanting anything in return. Easy. When Net Neutrality is gone, your ISP will hand you an itemized list of what sites and services are the best and just how much better they are in dollars than other sites. Now I know what you’re thinking, “This sounds amazing and I’m sold, Ajit!” You’re so very right.

However, my vision doesn’t just stop with the internet. Getting rid of Net Neutrality will usher in a renaissance of charge! I mean change. Not charge. Change.

Imagine a highway where you can pay a few hundred dollars a month to use Premium roads without traffic! Too much money? Pay a little less to use Value roads with some traffic! Still too much? Pay nothing and use the Default roads, but watch out for the roving gangs of murderous marauders that ransack your car as you idle in bumper-to-bumper traffic for days on end! If one of the marauders looks just like me, that’s a coincidence!

Imagine schools where parents can boost their children’s success with a monthly fee allowing them to access the computer lab, their desk, and the water fountains! $50 a month is a small price to pay to give your child the edge they need and to prevent them from dying due to dehydration. Actually $50 is too small, so I’ll make sure it’s $200 a month.

Imagine a public library where the good books are behind a paywall, so when you read them, you make sure to retain the knowledge and get your money’s worth! A smarter America is a better America. Also, if you don’t return books on time or pay your bill, murderous marauders will come and find you!

Imagine a health care system with insanely confusing costs and prohibitively — actually we already have this, so I’m happy with it.

Imagine a land with a gigantic castle inhabited by a lord that owns all of the nearby properties where you and your fellow serfs work in fields, growing crops for Lord Pai the Benevolent, and fighting the Lordship’s endless battles against King Bezos and Duke Zuckerberg until you can’t even remember that only ten years ago you were an office manager for a startup that sold hats for dogs.

We won’t have to imagine this glorious future once Net Neutrality is repealed, because we’ll be living it, you worthless peasants! I mean friends. Not peasants. Worthless friends.

Thank you for your time, and I’ve already sent you a bill for being allowed to read this.

— Ajit Pai
Head of the FCC / Future Lord and Marauder