Ah yes, this skull was once the head of Yor-ick? … Yo-rick? … York? … My guy!—that’s what I would call him whenever I would introduce him to people. Not because I didn’t know him, but because we were so close, I felt like we had moved beyond a first-name basis.

Why else would I be touching his skull right now—because I saw a human skull and thought it would be cool to touch it? Sick.

Holding the skull of some random deceased person you don’t know is disgusting. Holding the skull of your dearly departed friend, on the other hand, is the most meaningful way to express the close bond you once shared.

He was a good friend, and I have only fond memories of him. The guy I remember was … a jester … Yes! That’s right—he was a jester! A real jokester of a character, I think …

Okay, I’m just now remembering that he was actually the accountant to my father, the king. Whatever his official job was in the kingdom, he was around the castle a lot, and every time he would open his mouth to speak to me, I would laugh—that part is absolutely true.

So that’s what’s happening right now: I walked up to this grave, and I saw the grave keeper unearthing the remains of my father’s former employee, and I thought to myself, “I should pay my respects to this funny man and touch his skull so that people know that I cared about him and not because touching a human skull is something I’ve always wanted to do but never had the chance until this moment.”

You have this look on your face right now like I’m lying to you, and I think that says more about you than it does me. I didn’t want to bring this up, but when he was dying, I remember him saying to me, “Hamlet, you’re going to visit my grave—right, old buddy?”

I said, “Of course, my guy. I’m going to visit your grave all the time, and I’m going to make sure that nobody ever messes with it or tries to touch your skull.”

He said, “Are you kidding? I want my skull to be touched.”

I said, “By who?”

And he looked up at me with tears welling in his eyes and said: “Only by the people that I love, Hamlet. That means you.”

Then he died right there, so he never had the chance to put any of this skull stuff into his will.

Look, I don’t have to justify any of this to you; I’m the prince of Denmark! If I want a grave keeper to dig up someone’s remains so I can touch a skull, all I have to do is ask.

Now that you’ve completely ruined this sacred moment between me and my late lamented friend, I’m going to take this skull home with me and put it on a mantel in my living room so I can have it on display when my friends come over.