Rip Van Winkle
BY WASHINGTON IRVING
After retreating to the woods on a hunting trip, Rip Van Winkle drinks a mysterious potion and falls asleep for 20 years, during which the American Revolution passes him by. When he awakens, he finds that his friend Dan, who can be a real asshole sometimes, has written “Balls” on his forehead. Then Dan tells everyone at school about it.
The Invisible Man
BY H.G. WELLS
A mysterious scientist named Griffin discovers a chemical formula to turn the human body invisible, but is dismayed to find that he is permanently stuck in his invisible state. He then goes over to the high school and just sits in the girls’ locker room for, like, five hours and probably sees Dan’s older sister showering.
This is the tale of a Greek warrior, Odysseus, and his journey from Troy back to his homeland of Ithaca, where he left his wife and family during the 10-year expedition. Except, when Odysseus arrives back, he finds that one of his friends (ha!—more like one of his ex-friends, Dan!) made out with his wife, Stacey McLellan, at a party over the weekend, even though his friend knew how much Odysseus really liked her.
Oedipus, after being cast out of his hometown of Thebes in ancient Greece due to a fateful prophecy proclaiming that he would kill his father and marry his mother—the king and queen of Thebes—is adopted by the king and queen of Corinth, whom he assumes to be his true parents. However, after hearing the prophecy, Oedipus leaves Corinth and the king and queen, whom he believes the prophecy is about, in order to protect them. On his expedition, though, he does unknowingly encounter and murder his true father, and later he marries his mother, who bears his children. Upon realizing his real parents’ identities, Oedipus stabs himself in the eyes with needles to blind himself forevermore from his sins, proclaiming, “Why couldn’t it have been my friend Dan’s mom? She’s such a MILF! Yeah, I went there, Dan.”