Dear Mr. Fawcett:

I would like to extend my thanks for the thoughtful and heartfelt suggestions you expressed in your April 29th letter to Hit Parader. Because the success of our publication depends on the satisfaction of you, the reader, we are always open to your comments and/or constructive criticism so that we may provide for you the best coverage in rock journalism. We feel it’s the least we can do for somebody who is willing to spend his hard-earned $2.50 on us every month.

By this token I am pleased to inform you that the editorial board at Hit Parader has enthusiastically embraced your suggestion, as expressed in your letter, that we re-name our publication “Shit Parader.” In fact, the resolution passed in a unanimous vote following the presentation of your letter in a meeting on June 11th. The editors, myself included, simply could not disagree with your astute and brutally honest arguments, including:

It’s okay for a metal mag to show pictures of rock stars in tight pants, but how many times do I have to look at Dee Snider’s package through a piece of spandex?
All this punk bullshit has got to go. You’re a magazine for metalheads, not limey pink-haired fruits. Less Ramones and more Priest, man!

Frankie Sanchez of Fresno wrote last month that Def Leppard were rock gods. Well, I got news for you, Frankie: Iron Maiden rocks ten times harder, and Bruce Dickinson would whip all those Leppard wusses at the same time, if he felt like it.

The band is called Van Halen, not Roth. Can I get a little more coverage of the guys who play the instruments and a little less of Mr. Pretty Boy?

What’s with all this Journey crap? Yeah, that’s hard rock. How about putting some articles about Boxcar Willie in your next issue?

Indeed, these were all valid points and were taken into consideration. But the editorial board felt that more than a few minor adjustments were necessary, and we decided that your closing idea — suggesting that we change the title of the magazine to “Shit Parader” — was the one that would result in the most positive change.

Therefore, I am pleased to announce that our September issue (featuring Gene Simmons from KISS) will be sold on newsstands across the country under the title Shit Parader. I will provide an explanation to readers in my column, in which I will pay tribute to your visionary ideas and thank you again for your suggestions. A free issue will be mailed to you.

I wish you many years of success and hope you continue to rock and read.

Best Wishes,

David Hash