Chelsey Chelz here. Are you running out of things to watch on Netflix and Amazon Prime during the pandemic? Watch me, Chelsey Chelz, this evening at 5:55, when I am going to do a Facebook Live on how to measure alkaline water to boil handpicked, hand-milled grits, which I just became aware of. I will not boil them because I do not know how to cook, heat, or boil anything; I will save that for tomorrow when Aunt Willie Mae is here, but I think I can’t call her that anymore. Then I’m doing an Insta Live of my feet at 6:55 to show you how I file and groom the corns on my fourth toes before I get a pedicure — Dr. Scholl’s drops burned off the color after I wore those Valentino’s too long at the protest and I am being sponsored by Pumice International, Walnut Grove — but even so: Is anybody’s fourth toe as cute as mine? I will follow with a Zoom meeting about the proper T-shirt to wear to the grocery store to raise consciousness and awareness and not get your ass killed. Hardly anybody notices the BLACK LIVES MATTER shirts because they are now passé. My WHITE AS F*CK T-shirt just arrived and I’m wearing it to confront the Karens at Chrysanthemum’s Gourmet Market when I pick up my prosciutto, artichoke, and roasted black garlic pasta. Tune in, please, because I just took a writing class — me! And I will do a sentence-crafting session on white, ruled paper, which is apparently what they used back in the diz-zay. I will spend the first 87 seconds looking to see if you are looking at me trying to look at you looking — and I will be looking at the lower third because I don’t know where to look and I am trying to figure out how to write with an instrument. At 7:55, I will do Facebook Live of me harmonizing to D-Nice samples of Starland Vocal Band — did you know “Afternoon Delight” won a Grammy for Best Vocal Arrangement? Cannot figure out if that one woman is Mexican or Filipina and where they got her. At 8:55 I will return to FB live because I know you cannot resist seeing me show you how to open the refrigerator ever so gingerly and de-pit a watermelon — I prefer the expectoration method and Auntie Willie Mae picks them up, anyway. No fuss, no mess. I cannot help but bring up the 25-cent grocery cart fee at Chrysanthemum’s. Meet me there. I will be boycotting in my PROUD TO BE (7%) BLACK T-shirt I ordered off Amazon because it is a simple fact that the carts should be free, even though poor Black people cannot afford the quarter. The grocery carts don’t cost in Germany and I will fight anyone who tries to tell me to move there. OK, that’s it, y’all. Remember, all platforms matter. Chelsey Chelz, and I’m out. Right now, I will be moving to TikTok; follow me for more compelling stuff to watch. #allplatformsmatter
The Believer is coming home
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July 9, 2020
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