By the light of a phone screen, a little egg created a social media account.
One Sunday, the warm sun came up and — snap! — out of the egg emerged a very thirsty caterpillar, who posted an artfully disheveled selfie #wokeuplikethis.
It started to look for some followers.
On Monday, it posted one photo of avocado toast #brunch #grateful and got 5 likes but it was still thirsty.
On Tuesday, it posted a new pair of bespoke leather shoes standing pigeon-toed on a mosaic tile floor #notsponsored and got 7 likes and 3 new followers but it was still thirsty.
On Wednesday, it posted a picture of the members of Destiny’s Child #squadgoals, tagging itself as Beyoncé and two besties as Michelle and Kelly. It got 10 likes and 5 new followers but it was still thirsty.
On Thursday, it posted four photos depicting the before and after of a DIY kitchen renovation #kitcheninspo #DIY. It got a like from the star of a home-renovation reality show, but it was still thirsty.
On Friday, it posted a five-layer cake in the shape of a baby, filled with colored frosting for a friend’s gender reveal party. The baby looked like a melting Cabbage Patch doll #nailedit #genderreveal. It got a handful of likes and a few indignant comments about the retrograde nature of gender-policing an unborn baby. It was still thirsty.
On Saturday, it drank two whole bottles of rosé while watching season 7 of The Great British Bake Off and posted:
- One heavily filtered selfie with a clay mask on its face #selfcare
- One trite inspirational quote in white block letters against a coral background #breathe
- One video story of its cat chasing its tail and meowing at the wall
- One gif of Chrissy Teigen grimacing #itme
- One boomerang of its own hand holding a glass of rosé and cheersing Mary Berry on the TV screen #champagneformyrealfriends
- One photo of a spilled glass of rosé #partyfoul
- One dick pic that slid into its DMs, that it posted by accident while it was attempting to save the pic to its camera roll
- One accidental screengrab of a text message to its mom, asking for a loan to cover this month’s rent #helpmeimpoor
- One picture of its knees while sitting on the toilet #hotdogsorlegs
- One 15-second video taken by a takeout delivery driver, depicting the caterpillar eating an Impossible Whopper on the kitchen floor, David Hasselhoff style #blessed
The next day, it had a headache.
The next day was Sunday again. The caterpillar posted one photo of the half-eaten burger and fries still laying on the kitchen floor #FML. After that, it felt much better.
Now it wasn’t thirsty anymore, and it wasn’t a little caterpillar anymore. It was a big, fat, ball of insecurity and shame.
It built a small house, called a cocoon, around itself. It stayed off social media for two weeks, reading all it could about transcendental meditation from books it borrowed from the local public library. Then it nibbled a hole, pushed its way out, and it was a beautiful, self-actualized butterfly, fully in touch with its feelings and ready to cultivate authentic interpersonal relationships.